by Allen Berger, PhD
Chapter Three Men, Relationships, and Trauma
Chapter Four Manly Feelings
Chapter Five Creating Healthy Relationships
Chapter Six Staying in Healthy Relationships
Chapter Seven No Man Is an Island: Men and Asking for Help
Chapter Eight Shame and Vulnerability
Chapter Nine Violence and Abuse
Chapter Ten Sex and Sexuality
Chapter Eleven Separating the Men from the Boys
Chapter Twelve Codependency
Chapter Thirteen Healing Trauma
Chapter Fourteen Final Thoughts on Men and Relationships
Appendix A Eight Agreements on Males, Trauma, and Addiction Treatment
Appendix B The Men of A Man’s Way through Relationships
Additional Resources
The addiction field has been slow in integrating gender-informed treatment. The early pioneers in this area argued that in order to produce better outcomes for women, the unique issues women faced in recovery needed to be incorporated into the therapeutic milieu. In the 1990s Dr. Terry Davis and Dr. Stephanie Covington were two names that stood out in creating female gender-informed treatment protocols. What happened next in recovery paralleled what happened in our society. The first focus of making treatment gender-informed for men emphasized helping men break the cycle of violence affecting families and communities. While a very necessary step, this unfortunately reinforced the stereotype of men as predators, bullies, and lacking in empathy. We were typecast as aggressive and obsessed with power. I am not denying that these are important issues to address in helping men, because they absolutely are; I am saying that we are much more than this. In fact, this focus was quite unfortunate because it stopped short and failed to address the plethora of other issues that men struggle with in accepting help and embracing recovery.
It wasn’t until 2009 when Dan Griffin published A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps that we started to step back and really understand the experiences of men in recovery. This was a very important piece of work and eventually led Dan, Dr. Stephanie Covington, and Rick Dauer to develop the first trauma-informed protocol to help treatment programs become more aware of the issues that men encounter and struggle with in recovery. In this new book, Dan is now extending his work to focus on men’s relationships.
When men in recovery open up their souls to other men, they grieve. They grieve the loss of a connection to their fathers and mothers, to their wives, to their siblings, and to their sons and daughters. They grieve the loss of a part of themselves that they could not integrate into the rigid gender rules for men. They grieve the loss of their ability to connect to those they love.
Relationships are an integral part of our psychological imperative to strive toward self-actualization. This basic need, as Abraham Maslow called it, is a powerful force in our lives that, when honored, moves us toward wholeness and maturation. Relationships are people growers. If we are honest with ourselves, and this is a big if, we will learn who we are and, even more importantly, who we aren’t in our relationships. In order to do this we need to be willing to endure discomfort and learn to tolerate the feedback from our partners.
Our partners know us better than anyone else. They see who we are and who we aren’t. Who we aren’t creates trouble in our connections. Trouble does not mean there is something wrong with our relationship; quite the contrary. The trouble we encounter means that something is right. This is how relationships grow people. If we honestly face the trouble we are having in our relationships and remain open to seeing the next step in our emotional development, we will mature. We will grow up and learn how to be a better partner and support ourselves in the context of a committed relationship. Earnie Larsen called this Stage II Recovery. Dan and I call it emotional sobriety or emotional recovery.
I have heard many men say that they wish their relationship came with an instruction manual. Well, now you have one. A Man’s Way through Relationships: Learning to Love and Be Loved will provide you with a map of the topography of relationships. Dan’s message is that we cannot reach our full potential if we don’t critically examine how the rules of manhood are affecting our lives. He encourages us to challenge ourselves and develop an awareness of these rules so we can actually choose the man we want to be. But Dan doesn’t just preach this message; he shows us the value of this approach by sharing with us his own struggles openly and honestly. I was inspired by his vulnerability, his insight, and his willingness to share those things that most men won’t dare discuss.
What I love about this book is that Dan speaks to us like we are sitting with him at Starbucks and having a cup of coffee. He doesn’t come off as the all-knowing professional, but rather as a fellow traveler who is sharing with us what he has learned along his journey. Men help men become better men, and if you let him, Dan will guide you to become a better partner, a better father, a better friend, and a better son. This is an important book, and not just for men in recovery. I encourage you to read it, do the exercises, and share what you learn with those you love.
Allen Berger, PhD, Clinical Psychologist
Author of Love Secrets Revealed, 12 Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery, 12 Smart Things to Do When the Booze and Drugs Are Gone, and 12 Hidden Rewards of Making Amends
Very special thanks to Rick Dauer, with whom I have shared much of this journey the past four years, who has taught me a lot and helped me expound on a lot of these concepts, and whose support in writing and editing this book has been invaluable. Thank you, Rick.
Thank you to Stephanie Covington for helping to open the doors for this message.
Special thanks to my good friend, colleague, and mentor, Dr. Allen Berger, for taking the time to read through my drafts and offer me invaluable feedback.
Thank you to all my family: the Griffins, the Dietls, and the Robsons. Love and thanks to my mom, Sherry Griffin,
