were simple and straight forward, and they offered to bring me healing of my anxieties and mental state and so I started to put them into practice. Simple teachings, ‘ let go and let god’, ‘ keep an open mind’, ‘ one day at a ‘ and many more. I clutched at these like straws, I meditated on these simple teaching and tried to incorporate them into my life.
I learnt time and time again during this time that the darkest days were just before the dawn. I lived one day at a time, one hour at a time and sometimes one minute at a time.
The fear that I felt was often overwhelming, all consuming. I had many panic attacks, was incapable of making a decision even a simple one for myself. In time I came to understand that to experience and feel the fear was to release it, it was stuffed in my body in my being, it felt like a never ending pit of fear, anger and anxiety. I moved through it slowly, one day at a time, year after year. Every time a situation arose I slowly realized that I was releasing more fear, more anger and allowed it to move through me. In this way I was slowly cleansing my body and mind.
Feeling is releasing.
Go deeply into your fears, angers, frustrations etc. feel it deeply and sometimes you will drop through to the sweet point of understanding and peace, you can’t hear or talk to your heart when you are in fear. Sometimes too though, you just have to allow the emotions to work their way out of you which happened for me mostly at this time.
I soon realized that I had a pattern of happily handing responsibility for my life and my decisions to anyone who would take it. I had turned it over to my husband, my father, a fringe mediation group, the Catholic Church and god as I understood him then, and I had always been let down, abandoned. The only person who was responsible for my life was me, I needed to listen and learn to trust myself and my own inner guidance. This was a frightening prospect for me at that time and I very gradually started baby steps in this direction. This is an extremely important step, we have a tendency to look for others to teach us, and that is OK but there is only one teacher we can absolutely trust, that is the one inside, the one that will guide you through the valleys and hills of the journey of life to realization. Others may point the way but they cannot replace your own inner knowing. It takes time and a willingness to listen and to trust your wise inner being, years in fact. I know absolutely if you do you will never be led astray.
At this time I had no idea I was on the path to Realization that would come later. For the present I was dedicated to becoming whole or ‘normal’ whatever that was.
One goes through a beautiful process after Awakening, and starts to discover that there is more out there. I experienced feelings of great love and nurturing when mediating or in contemplation, a love that was so deep and healing I cried for what seemed hours, not in a sad way but crying almost with joy. There was a great yearning inside me to ‘come home”.
I was fired up with my new found passion for growth and so excited about where I was headed. For most of us there is a period following awakening that can last for a year or more, a period of great euphoria where you want to share your newfound realizations with others, a time of great hope and joy. You have opened from the constraints of limited mental experience into the new, there is a great sense of freedom and expansion.
Following this period however the real work begins and life will bring up many challenges which you are not expecting to work through. It can come as a shock, the body and mind have to be purified, healed.
I started a new Al Anon group and learnt so much. When we opened up and spoke of our shortcomings and problems others could relate and found strength in our honesty. I had always been an extremely private person before this, putting on a show to save face and I found this such a relief to express who I truly was with other like minded people.
The road to Realization is not for the faint hearted. The road to wholeness is long and there is much to be brought up for release on the way. If you can relax and know that whatever is ready to be released, will be at the perfect time, you are on the right track. I used to think my life was like a river, I would be in a fast moving stream and there were rocks and rapids along the way, then I would end up on a beautiful beach, exhausted but at a new level of awareness and happiness. I would be given a reprieve, a rest for some time, a few months or a year or more and then I would be flung into the water again. Sometimes I went willingly, sometimes life tossed me in. In retrospect it was all perfect. Each time I landed on a new beach, it was wonderful; I experienced a new level of happiness and understanding, a new level of enjoying life. Over a long time I learnt to trust that every time I went through issues either in the world or inner world it was just more clearing taking place and a new level of grace was emerging.
I started to feel that I had done all I could with Al Anon and a fortuitous move took me to another part of the country and disconnect from the group. I found at times, I was being pulled back into drama with some of the members who really wanted to just talk about how miserable they were and not prepared to put in any work to change their attitudes or beliefs. They were feeding off my energy and it was exhausting. While I didn’t have the sense or maturity to disconnect from them at the time, at least I had the knowing that I was done with Al Anon and a new journey lay before me.
I believe it had taught me all I could learn from it at that point.
My husband was sober and in AA and we reconnected again in a loving way, I had a son after 7 years of marriage and life was good, I counted my blessings.
About 2 years later and prior to the birth of my second beautiful son my husband started drinking again and I was desperately hoping that the new baby would bring us together as it did with the first child. This was not to happen and I went into a period of deep anxiety and depression for a few months after the birth of my second son. I believe now I was suffering post natal depression. I carried on as best I could.
About a year later I found myself with incredible stomach pain, too sick to go to the doctor he came to me but was unable to an internal examination as he had forgotten his gloves. He told me to relax and see how it went. I spent the night under a hot shower, feeling intense pain and offering that pain up to the universe! I look back and am amazed that I didn’t want to trouble anyone with how much pain I was, I didn’t realize consciously that I had a serious problem, I just put up with it. Thank god a friend rang in the morning and I told her how I was feeling and she told me to ring the doctor straight away, it turned out I had an ectopic pregnancy. I came close to having it rupture and to death. Coming close to death is so confronting it hits you at your core. I also realized I had great fear about dying – this was something I would have to address later. It took me a few months to really absorb the experience and be willing to move forward into life again.
As soon as I made that decision a new path was presented to me. A new teacher arrived.
There was a local spiritual bookshop that held meditation classes one evening a week. We listening as a small group to a channel called Lazaris and for me it was an absolute godsend. The meditations were deep and beautiful and awakened a new enthusiasm for balance and peace. The meditations took me to many beautiful realms and opened my heart to receive more. I was back into it and again read every self help book I could find as well as any spiritual book that caught my eye. The Human Potential movement was the buzz word at the time and I explored it all. It was another time of discovery. Another layer was slowly peeled away.
I felt that I was drawn at that time, compelled on this spiritual path, it was a very strong energy. To me it felt almost like being drawn by forces outside my conscious mind, like a scene from the film’ 2010 space Odyssey’ released in 1984 where thousands are drawn by aliens to this one point on earth. They had heard the call.
I think my husband sensed that I no longer held him on a pedestal, I still loved him but could no longer give everything I had, I was on my own path to healing, I think he saw it as a betrayal.
