his snubgun. “Where’s the face we shut.”
“This is who I am.” He drew a bead on Crocus. “And these beans want planting.”
“Four guns to one, Dumbo,” honked Moray from behind a cat face. At that moment, Sam “Sam” Bleaker tore off his horse mask to reveal that of a horse.
“Who the hell are you?” shouted Crocus as the pale horse aimed her gun. “What you do with Bleaker and Shiv?”
“You bore me,” said Lady.
“Tied up in a closet at the gang fort,” said Easy. “They didn’t come along on the bomb run, after all.”
“So it’s about the old man. We don’t got any gripe with you Easy but I’ll put you on a keyboard if I have to.”
“I don’t bluff empty armor, guys. Lemme ask you, is crime what happens when you miss the target, or hit it? I put glue in your masks.”
The three mobsters dropped their guns and began scrabbling at their heads as Easy and Lady Miss backed out of the vault. It was Ariel Hi-Blow’s molecular glue. A scream tore out as a face came away with a fake. An elephant never forgets.
IF ARMSTRONG WAS INTERESTING
If Armstrong was interesting he’d take the initiative on stepdown. He’d emerge from the moon capsule wearing Mickey Mouse ears. He’d confess to a major felony. He’d land lightly and trill, “Not bad for a girl.” He’d shout “Jeez Louise I could use a bacon sandwich” or “Praise be to Satan” or “More land to pillage and despoil” or “This is nowhere” or “Lock up your daughters” or “Who farted?” or “I’ve never been so bored” or “I’ve never been so hard” or “Looky here—a million strawberries” or “Kill the white man” or “I was brought here against my will” or “I can’t live a lie anymore—I’m gay.”
If Armstrong was interesting he’d phonetically blur his assigned lines—“That’s one small pecker, man—one tired leaker, and mine.” He’d slam from the capsule knee-walking drunk. He’d skip across the sands like a fairy. He’d pretend to meet aliens and narrate false thrills amid non-existent domes of tessellated gold. He’d plant the Chilean flag. He’d wheely and wreck that crappy car. He’d claim the whole thing was a movie set. He’d speak in seamless, uneditable profanity. He’d laugh without interruption. He’d rant bitterly against his mother. He’d scream at a pitch which blew the headphones off NASA control. He’d say everything in a thick French accent. He’d yell that his facemask was filling with snot and abruptly terminate transmission. He’d moan “Even here there’s pigeons.” He’d ask “If I’m the first man to walk here, who set up the camera to film it?” He’d pretend transmission was breaking into enigmatic fragments. He’d say “demonic” and “pants” and “fantastic” and “farewell.” He’d neigh and say “Woah, there.” He’d childishly mimic everything Houston said. He’d curse the Earth and claim the moon’s supremacy. He’d moon and decompress, exploding.
If Armstrong was interesting he’d emerge from the capsule riding Buzz Aldrin piggyback with a horsewhip. He’d ruthlessly probe Buzz’s sexuality. He’d slap a squid over Buzz’s visor, blinding him. He’d get him in an awkward headlock. He’d try repeatedly to run him down with the buggy, mouthing laughter in the vacuum. He’d snap a thousand contrary orders, dancing sarcastically to his own contradictions. He’d ask once every minute on the return trip “Are we there yet?” He’d emerge from the space toilet sweating, pupils constricted, and threaten the co-pilots with a blender. He’d draw them into his madness so that after splashdown they’d prance out of the rescue vehicle giggling and pushing each other into the bushes.
If Armstrong was interesting he’d attend a press conference wearing a hat made of a human pelvis fringed with the shrunken ears of his victims. He’d say the whole trip was a waste of time. He’d complain that his critical judgment had “turned to jelly.” He’d describe his own eyelashes as “a delight,” speaking at first in a stage whisper, then screaming into the mike and blowing eardrums like popcorn. He’d fall at every hurdle. He’d purse his lips to his fist and trumpet The Red Flag. He’d announce “I crave the company of morticians. You’ll be glad to hear I live in a ghastly dreamworld. And you can’t stop me.”
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