the meditation, couldnae concentrate again. Ah wis tired and everythin that had happened ower the weekend so far wis churnin away inside me; the new folk, the stuff ah couldnae unnerstaund, Vishana and they fuckin carrots, and ah felt weary in ma bones. Ah’d taken Vishana’s advice and sat on a chair insteid ae tryin tae dae the cross-legged bit, and ah fund ma fingers drummin on ma leg in time tae the rain’s rhythm. Ah stopped and pit ma haunds on ma legs, just rested them there and listened. The prayer room had a glass roof and you could hear every drap; some plip-ploppin, some squelchin and some thumpin doon as if they were gonnae break it. And somehow ah fund masel followin the raindraps as they landed on the roof, no really listenin, no anythin, just sittin. Sometimes it got a bit heavier and sometimes the wind would blaw it soft, makin wee skittery noises, like an animal scratchin.
And it wis like the rain wis alive, know, and everythin in the prayer room seemed tae disappear, couldnae hear anybuddy or see anythin; it wis just me and the rain.
Frosty. Very frosty. Liz, ah mean. Anne Marie wis neither up nor doon. Ah could of been away at a footie match for all the notice she took.
‘Hiya, Da.’
‘Hi, hen. D’ye miss me?’
‘Were you away somewhere? Oh aye, ah thought ah hudnae seen much of ye this weekend. How’s the yogic flyin comin on?’
‘Very funny. Get you a spot on The Fast Show wi patter like that. Where’s yer mammy?’
‘Cleanin the bathroom.’
Ah should of known it’d be hard gaun by the smell a bleach. It’s funny but when Liz is really really mad aboot sumpn, she goes mental wi bleach. The place is honkin – you just follow the smell and there she is, rubber gloves up tae her oxters, scourin away round the edges of the plughole wi an auld toothbrush. When we were first merriet ah thought she was just dead hygienic. Took me a while tae clock ontae the fact that efter the mad bleachin there was a big, big silence then an explosion.
Anyway, ah poked ma heid roond the bathroom door.
‘That’s me hame noo.’
Silence. Except for the scourin. Christ, the enamel’d be aff the bath at this rate.
‘Ah’m away tae make a cuppa tea. D’you want one?’
Nae answer.
She’d thawed a bit by tea time, thank God. It was weird bein hame though. The hoose felt dead wee compared tae the retreat place and everythin seemed different, all the wee things you never even look at. Like there’s a calendar in the kitchen wi pictures of animals, and September’s animal is a polar bear. I mean why a polar bear for September? But ah’d never noticed it afore.
‘This is great,’ ah said, gettin wired in tae ma dinner.
‘It’s just chicken cacciatore.’
‘Least it’s no veggie cacciatore.’
‘Was the food rotten at the retreat, Da?’
‘Naw, hen, it was quite nice really. But no as good as yer mammy’s.’
‘Did they have a cook?’
‘Naw, we all mucked in. Vishana gied us chores. Ah’d tae chop the carrots. Mountains of them.’
‘Who was all there, Da?’
‘All sorts. Ah was sharin wi a coupla guys called Gary and Jed. Jed was awright. Gary was a bit, you know, kinda spaced oot. But OK.’
‘What did you dae all weekend? Meditate?’ It was the first time Liz hud spoke.
‘And chop carrots. Ach, there was a few talks and we’d time tae get oot in the fresh air – it’s beautiful round there, dead quiet. Yous should come next time. There’s another weekend comin up next month.’
‘Ah don’t think so. Wan member of this faimly wi his heid in the clouds is quite enough.’
‘Can ah come, Da?’
Ah was aboot tae say aye when Liz drew me a look.
‘We’ll see, hen. We’ll talk aboot it nearer the time, eh? Now how about you and me dae these dishes and we’ll all sit doon and watch a video?’
All the time Anne Marie and me were washin up, ah fund masel gettin mair and mair worked up inside. This wee voice kept runnin through ma mind; can she no just gie it a chance, does she have tae gie it this ah know best stuff. Ah’ve always kind of looked up tae Liz, no looked up exactly but she’s aye been the sensible wan oot the two ae us. Maisty the time we just get on wi it – we’ve known each other that long and ah’ve kind of bowed tae her judgement on the big things. Ah mean, she was the wan that wanted tae buy a flat, years ago. Ah’d have just kept on rentin – why gie yersel the hassle, but naw, she wanted tae buy. Worked oot the money stuff and went tae the buildin society. And she was right. We started oot in a room and kitchen an noo we’ve got a nice big three-bedroom flat and the mortgage is less than whit ma sister’s payin in rent tae the cooncil for a hoose in a street that’s no exactly brilliant.
But it’s went on that long that noo she thinks she knows best aboot everthin. And she knows heehaw aboot this. No aboot meditation or the folk at the Centre. Which is fine. She doesnae have tae take an interest if she doesnae want, but why the hell can she no just let it be? How come she’s got tae act all superior aboot it?
Ah managed tae hide ma feelins, kept it in for Anne Marie’s sake. We had a quiet night in, watched a video, had a cuppa tea, as usual. But later, when Liz and me were on wer ain, the cracks started tae show. Ah felt awkward. Ah’ve no been away fae hame that often, the odd weekend at a match wi the boys or that, but ah’ve aye come back ready tae tell her all aboot it, lookin forward tae bedtime as you’d expect. But ah fund masel hingin aboot the bathroom efter ma shower, spendin ages brushin ma teeth and footerin aboot, kind of hopin she’d be asleep afore ah got intae bed. But of course she wasnae.
When ah got in beside her the frosties reached sub-zero. Ah wasnae feelin much like it anyway but thought ah’d better make a bit of an effort, but when ah reached ower her she rolled away as far as she could the other side. So ah turnt on ma side and said, ‘Night.’ And she done the same.
The next week we were daein a job in a big hoose, workin late every night tae get it finished. The guy was a pop star – his band had been big a couple a year ago – but it was his girlfriend who was in charge. He didnae gie a toss, was just puttin up the dough for it. Anyway he seemed tae have plenty brass tae chuck aboot.
It’s funny – work. Everybuddy goes on aboot how they want tae win the lottery and chuck in their jobs but ah sometimes think that ah’m happiest workin. And ah wis glad tae have sumpn tae get on wi, that ah could dae wioot thinkin. That weekend at the retreat – ah enjoyed it, but it kind of done ma heid in. Aw they folk. Aw that flamin meditatin. Or should ah say, tryin tae meditate. The only bit ah really enjoyed wis thon night ah sat listenin tae the rain. Just sittin.
Just as well ah wasnae around much that week: by the time ah did get in at night ah was knackered and there was only time tae get a bit of dinner and flake oot in fronty the telly fur an hour afore bed. Gave things time tae settle doon between me and Liz. We just kind of forgot aboot it: there was nae time fur it tae become a big deal. On the Friday night we’d arranged tae go fur a drink and a meal wi Paul and his wife.
