for the goal. Why? Because people who fall back on this model tend to concede everything to everyone. But that’s not all – not only do they make unnecessary concessions, they make excuses for doing so: ‘I’m a nice person – it’s just so easy to hurt me!’
When does a negotiator turn into a ‘mouse’? When they lack confidence in their cause; when they are unsure of their own position. If this person values courteousness they will become a ‘mouse’; if not, ‘teenagerhood’ awaits.
I am often asked questions like: ‘How can I sell something I don’t completely believe in?’ or ‘How can I change a supplier’s terms if I find the new ones unfair?’ I get thousands of questions like these. The answer is simple: sell it to yourself first. Find the strength of your position. Regardless of what the situation is, it is crucial to convince yourself first, and only then go into negotiations.
A manager gives his subordinate an assignment: ‘Go and tell the client that if they don’t pay us today, we won’t do business with them any more.’ His subordinate nods in response. The negotiations go as follows:
‘I’m asking you, please pay us. We need the money by tomorrow.’
‘No, that’s not going to happen.’
‘Well, my manager said that if we don’t have the money . . . You know, it’ll be hard for me to get him to authorise future deliveries.’
‘So what, you don’t need clients? We get lots of offers like yours. And you keep on making all these demands.’
‘I’m asking, not demanding. I would really like to keep our relationship, but—’
‘Then go tell that to your crazy boss.’
Not only did the negotiator not defend his own interests, he also conceded his benefit, lost face in front of his opponent and threw his manager under the bus. So who is to blame here, and what can be done? Both are to blame: both the manager who didn’t see his subordinate’s lack of confidence, and the employee who couldn’t justify his position and so started delicate negotiations in the position of a ‘mouse’. As for what can be done: proper negotiation preparation, which in this case is finding solid ground to stand on.
Under no circumstances should you enter negotiations if you don’t truly believe in your cause. When a negotiator doesn’t believe in the strength of their own position, they are doomed to failure.
If this sort of behaviour feels like your default, then now’s the time to be honest with yourself. It’s important to acknowledge that this model simply leads to you making excuses for your own failings and not seeing your own areas for growth.
This isn’t the only shortcoming of the ‘mouse’ behaviour model. The second is compliance. A negotiator like the one in the example will almost always be forced away from their initial plans and make concessions. Of course, an almost new, well-kept car is always going to be easier to sell than a rusty piece of scrap metal. But, as you’ll see later, even the latter has USPs to be found.
Once I witnessed negotiations being held in the office of the chief engineer (CE) of a construction holding. A contractor had sent a representative (CR) in for negotiations.
CE: So, what do you want?
CR: Well, I’m sorry, but we have . . .
CE: What’s all this mumbling? Are you as bad at building as you are at talking?
CR: Oh, no . . . We would like to review these deadlines. I would very much like to find a mutually beneficial outcome here.
CE: What are you trying to tell me? Nothing changes. But now I’m starting to think maybe it isn’t worth continuing this project with you.
CR: Wait! Well, if you can’t agree to these terms, we’ll do all we can to meet the old ones.
CE: Yes, you do that. Oh, and I’d like you to do something else for me, too.
CR: Yes, of course, we value your business.
The following anecdote nicely encapsulates where trying to please everyone can often get you.
A father, his son and a donkey are travelling along a dusty city road in the sweltering midday heat. The father is riding the donkey, and the son is leading it by the bridle.
‘Poor boy,’ says a passer-by, ‘his little legs can barely keep up! How can you just laze around on that donkey when your son is clearly exhausted?’
The father takes this man’s words to heart. As soon as they turn the corner, he gets off the donkey and makes his son ride it.
Very soon, another person passes them and loudly announces: ‘Has he no shame? The little one riding the donkey like a sultan, while his poor old father’s left trailing behind!’
These words pain the boy, so he asks his father to sit on the donkey behind him.
‘Good people, have you ever seen such a thing?’ a woman in a hijab starts to cry. ‘Tormenting an animal so! The poor donkey’s back is practically breaking from the weight, while these idlers simply lounge around. Poor, unhappy creature!’
Without a word, father and son get down from the donkey, shamefaced.
They have hardly made it a couple of steps when an acquaintance of theirs comes up to them and starts ridiculing them:
Why are you just walking that donkey around town? It’s not carrying anything, and neither of you is riding it!’
The father shoves a big handful of straw into the donkey’s mouth and puts his arm around his son’s shoulder.
‘No matter what we do,’ he says, ‘there’ll always be someone who disagrees. From now on I think it’s best we decide how to travel for ourselves.’
We can see that it’s impossible to please everyone all the time. So not only is it important to know how to keep your eyes on your goal, it’s also important to know how to assert yourself. Courteousness alone just isn’t going to cut it. Confidence in the position you hold is key. Take heed of the old rule of thumb of any good lawyer:
If you’re right, act, and if you’re wrong, you simply haven’t put enough time into crafting your argument.
If you can’t find a reason to believe in your position, then you need to admit what you’ve got wrong. That will be your strength.
Now, for a bit of light relief, here’s an advert I took the trouble of re-writing in full (maintaining the style and spelling of the original):
