little rooms, one of those narrow passages, something fluttered. I felt a feather tickling my throat. A dense bank of darkness concealed the open door that led into the first small passage, off which was the musical instrument room. I looked into that darkness, and the flutter came again.
Of course. The birds. I longed for others. I thought it would be nice to be in the company at least of those cheerful white birds in the back room. Even the pop-eyed fish would be better than nothing. Surely Tim would be here soon. I took up the lantern very carefully and walked step by step towards the darkness, which retreated gracefully before me. Strange and beautiful, a dragon’s face appeared, a golden throat gleaming for a second. I turned a corner to the right and felt the left-hand turn open a gaping mouth upon my back. Down there were the tall Ali Baba jars, the vases from Nineveh, the fierce curved blades and delicate sets of china with cups with such tiny golden handles you couldn’t imagine anything but a fairy holding one. Before me were demons and idols, carved gods and sacred gongs, bamboo pipes, poisonous darts. My light threw up the tremendous horns of a buck. Left at the top and I’d reach the good old birds, but I must take care as I turned the corner not to look to the right where I knew I would see the suits of armour standing to attention with their visors hiding God knows what.
Just before the turn, I saw a ship. The raised lantern revealed a painting of a curious vessel that reared up tall out of the sea at either end, a high-shouldered, many-turretted, floating castle of a ship, a thing upon which in a dream you might embark and sail away to the ends of the earth.
The light went out.
I did not panic. I stood there holding my darkened lantern in a void so full it licked me all over like a cat washing a kitten. For a minute or so I just let it. Then I panicked. I turned and ran. All the devils of hell followed after, clutching at my back. I crashed into a wall, turned, ran again, stopped, holding onto the wall and gasping. My own scared breath was loud. The wall beneath my hand held steady.
I would feel my way like a blind boy.
I stilled my breath and set off, feeling my way back in mortal terror every step of the way, till I came to an open doorway, an unseen gaping mouth breathing coldly on me. I couldn’t get past. God knows what lurked silently inside. How long did I stand there? Time froze, I froze, the universe froze. How long until I felt my soul leave my body like a ribbon of smoke and float loose and free through the air, thick with a million other lost souls all hoping for a landing. I floated past the door and found myself once more on earth in Jamrach’s pitch-black shop in the middle of the night, groping my snail-like way along the wall towards where I knew I must find the right turn into the passage that led to the front.
I found it and hauled myself around it as if reaching the top of a mighty mountain. Something touched my ear, a mere flicker, the breath of a fly or a gnat.
I crossed Sinai, inch by inch, fading in and out of myself, and when there were no more walls to hold onto, launched out across the void. I walked slowly, arms before me. Something caught me in the soft part just under my knee, pain pranged through me, sharp and sickening. I went flying and hit my head on something.
I was lying full stretch against something soft that jingled and jangled softly.
So tired.
I cried. Not a trace of light from the shutters. There was no point in getting up again. When I put up my hand to feel, there was a large lump swelling hot on my forehead. The rest of me was icy. I cried, drew up my knees and hugged myself. My brain swirled with all the colours of all the things from every part of the world, all brought here by the sailors and the captains, come to rest at last. As I began the slide down to sleep, there arose before my eyes the tall ship upon the wall, the last thing I’d seen before the light went out.
Did I sleep? It was more of a floating in and out of the real; a pitching, drifting, endlessly renewing progress through a night with no limits and no friendly striking hours. And at some point, some sudden peak of wakefulness, my mind cleared miraculously and stood watching and waiting at full attention. Then something lay down next to me and put its arms round me from behind. True and solid, it cleaved to the length of me and hugged hard.
It was as real as anything I ever felt, but then again, since that night I know that I have taken for true things that were not.
Of course, it could not have been human, because it would have had to put its arm through the floor in order to hold me. The feeling I had was beyond fear. It was a giving in, a swift plummet, a death.
I don’t remember anything else.
The morning assistant woke me up, the turn of his key in the lock. The light found me lying by a sack of shells that jingle-jangled as I sat up, squinting at the glare.
‘What the devil are you doing here?’ the man said rudely. ‘You the new boy? You been here all night?’
I tried to tell him what had happened, but he couldn’t be bothered to listen and shooed me out. The sun was above the house tops and I was late for work. I’d missed Spoony’s. I ran straight to the yard. Cobbe was hauling hay. ‘Gor, what you done to your noddle?’ he said. Tim was on the ramp, but he jumped off the side and ran straight up to me.
‘Sorry, Jaf,’ he said, smiling as if it was nothing. ‘Couldn’t help it, could I?’
‘I’ve lost my job!’
My skin crawled with weariness.
‘Well, it wasn’t your fault, was it? They can’t sack you for something that wasn’t your fault, can they?’
‘How do you know? You did it on purpose.’
My eyes burned. I ached all over. I hit him in the chest.
‘Oy!’ he cried, backing off with a hurt look in his eyes. ‘What’s up with you? Wasn’t my fault.’
‘You locked me in!’
‘I know. Only twigged when I seen you come in the gate just now. And there were the keys in my pocket.’
‘You knew!’
‘I didn’t. I met a couple of friends, you know what it’s like. I thought you’d finish up and go home. What you done to your head?’ He reached out but I jerked away.
‘I fell over,’ I said. My voice caught and my eyes overflowed. ‘The lamp went out.’
‘Baby,’ he said, smiling, ‘don’t cry.’
My nose ran.
He had the cheek to try and sling an arm round me. I hit him again and we scuffled futilely, falling under the ramp. Cobbe barked a warning from the end of the yard.
‘I hate you!’ I screamed.
Tim held my wrists and I kicked out at his knees.
‘Look, Jaf,’ he said in an infuriating, reasonable voice, ‘you won’t tell Jamrach, will you?’
‘I will! I’ll tell him!’
I looked around for the big German but there was no sign of him. ‘Fucking hate you, Tim Linver,’ I said, and kicked and pulled free and ran towards the door to see if Jamrach was in the office.
‘No!’ Tim ran after and grabbed my shoulder. He was pleading
