Be More Vlad
Eye contact is an easily forgotten basic. If you find yourself dealing with a touchingly naïve individual who’s been elevated far above his ability level, earn his trust by first giving him the chance to check you have a set of anatomically sound irises. Propping your eyelids open with a couple of matchsticks can help him get a really good look and confirm that you’re not hiding anything suspicious under there.
‘And our new school committee member is Victoria with, it says here, four billion votes.’
DON’T LEAVE VICTORY TO CHANCE
Only one man, Progress party leader Alexei Navalny, is a conceivable rival to Putin in the polls, and he’s banned from running.
But even in an undisputed contest, Putin leaves nothing to chance. According to election monitoring organisation Golos, tricks used in the 2018 election included ballot-stuffing, preventing people from entering polling stations and blocking official webcams with balloons and other objects.9
In largely Muslim Chechnya, turnout was 37% at polling stations attended by observers, and a hugely impressive but unlikely 99% elsewhere.
Be More Vlad
You can use similar belt-and-braces tactics to make sure of victory at your family’s Christmas Scrabble game. Step one is to wait until your aunt the English teacher is too drunk to play. Step two is to replace all your rivals’ letters with Es, Is and other one-pointers every time they leave the room. Step three is to give yourself an extra ten points every move for being so clever.
Some might call this cheating. You and Putin know that, as with democracy, it’s just how the game is played.
‘I won’t play you but I’ll take on your dog.’
CHOOSE YOUR OPPONENTS WISELY
Putin is so good at quashing domestic rivals there are often none left for him to run against. Not a good look in a young democracy.
In a seeming bid to create the semblance of an open contest, the Kremlin appears to have drafted in minor, sometimes geriatric, opponents.
Alleged examples include Sergey Mironov, whose election campaign included an impassioned plea to vote for Putin, not himself; Andrei Bogdanov, a freemason who is associated with more than thirty new political parties; and Ksenia Sobchak, an old family friend of Putin’s rumoured to be his goddaughter.10
Be More Vlad
If, like Putin, you hate not winning, pick your opponents with care. Say you’re a keen runner in your prime. Don’t just enter any run. Find one with an over-90s age category. With a small tweak of your birth certificate and a convincing grey wig, you’ll have access to a significantly weaker field of competitors. And trouncing them will be all the sweeter, knowing you were smart enough to all but guarantee your victory.
‘My cousin is friends with the brother of the drummer from Coldplay so if you want them to play at your birthday party I’m your man.’
LEVERAGE INTERMEDIARIES
Knowing people who know people lets Putin get secret business done at arm’s length. When there was an opportune moment to offer dirt on Hillary Clinton to the Trump campaign, for example, his people apparently got in touch with Uzbek crooner, Emin Agalarov, whose publicist Rob Goldstone happened to know the Trumps.11 At the pop star’s request, Goldstone orchestrated a meeting at Trump Tower between a mysterious Russian lawyer and members of Trump’s shady coterie. Questions as to the level of Kremlin involvement are keeping
investigative reporters busy to this day.
Be More Vlad
If you wish to make an illicit approach to someone you really shouldn’t, it’s time to use your intermediary network. Try asking your dentist’s niece’s guitar teacher to ask the unavailable person you fancy on a date, maybe through their patent attorney. If they say yes, great, you got what you want. If it’s a no, just tell them your intermediaries got their wires crossed and you actually just wanted to borrow a dinner plate.
‘Before we start the weekly catch-up, here’s a calculator watch for each of you as a little gesture of my appreciation.’
BE MR GENEROUS
If you’re a shepherd’s son, tending to the flock in the Republic of Tuva, and you wait long enough, you may see only shooting stars. But if you’re lucky, Putin will appear out of nowhere, tanned and glittering, and give you the watch off his wrist, as happened to one lucky young farmhand when Putin visited the region in 2009.
He has a track record of handing out highly priced timepieces on a whim to grateful serfs, favouring the venerable Swiss brand Blancpain. He gave another to a millwright during a factory tour, and has thrown others into wet cement at opening ceremonies.12
Be More Vlad
If you’d like to demonstrate your largesse in a slightly more cost-effective manner, ask a local street hawker or loitering student if they’re interested in a mutually beneficial arrangement. For the price of a sandwich, they’ll gratefully accept a donation of a knock-off watch (to be returned later). ‘A Rolex Submariner? Thank you, oh charitable stranger,’ you can have them loudly exclaim, every single time you pass.
‘Guys, leave a few sausages in case Obama comes.’
HOLD A POWER BARBECUE
Putin loves to grill for Russia’s industrialists and oligarchs, especially when he has a message to send them.
Soon after he first took the presidency, he brought them all to Stalin’s old dacha to serve up shashlik (probably) and let them know what kind of premier he intended to be.13 Another time, he presided over a BBQ at his retreat in Novo-Ogaryova to advise them not to meddle in politics if they wanted to stay on his good side.14
Be More Vlad
Holding your own power barbecue could also be an effective tool if someone is trying to put the moves on your significant other.
Set up your grill at a Significant and Threatening Location. Think graveyards and derelict gas towers. The sight of you in your apron sternly burning your love rival’s sausages, and the realisation that you have not invited another soul, should be enough to scare them off for quite some time.
