you worry. You’ve got my personal guarantee.’
‘You hear that? George Duncan’s personal guarantee.’
‘Which means exactly what?’
‘It’ll be here tomorrow, Paddy, I promise you. If I have to drive to St Ives–’
‘Your printer’s in St Ives?’
‘If I have to drive to St Ives and pick it up myself.’
‘That’s a twelve-hour round trip.’
‘You’ve done it? I’ve found the A30 not too bad if you–’
‘Just . . . By tomorrow, please. Spelled properly.’
‘You have my word.’
‘. . .’
‘. . .’
‘. . . Well, he was a grouchy one.’
‘Stop winding up the customers, Mehmet. There’s a recession on.’
‘Ah, see, another good point. With the recession on, Patty, does the misspelling of one’s name really amount to so very, very much–’
‘What do I keep saying? Customer service. It’s not something I’ve just made up to punish you.’
‘They only do that stuff in America, George. Can I Help You, Sir. You Look Fabulous In That, Sir. Can I Get You Some More Iced Tea, Sir.’
‘. . . so you’ve never been to America then.’
‘Television. Exactly the same thing.’
‘Please, just call St Ives, tell them we have an urgent correction. And while you’re at it, ask them where the Brookman Stag Do t-shirts are. The boys are leaving for Riga tonight and they should have been here by–’
‘Brookman?’
‘. . . Oh, what’s that look, Mehmet? I don’t like that look. Please tell me–’
‘The Brookman ones have already gone out. He came by when you were at lunch.’
‘Oh, no. No, no, no. I checked the order myself and all that had come in were–’
‘The light blue ones with the kittens on the front.’
‘Those were the O’Riley Hen Night! Why on earth would light blue kittens be for a stag do? They even said Hen Night–’
‘We don’t have hen nights in Turkey! How am I supposed to know the difference?’
‘You moved here when you were three!’
‘What’s the big deal? They’ll all be so drunk, who’s going to notice?’
‘I suspect ten soldiers from Her Majesty’s Coldstream Guards might notice that a light blue cartoon kitten with a hand over its genitals isn’t quite–’
‘Paw.’
‘What?’
‘If it was a kitten, it’d be a paw. And what’s it supposed to be doing, anyway? Pleasuring itself? Because how is that a theme for a hen night?’
‘. . .’
‘What?’
‘Call Brookman, Mehmet. He obviously hasn’t opened his box of t-shirts yet for whatever reason–’
‘Yeah, he did seem in a bit of a hurry. Not even enough time to look at them.’
‘. . . You’re smiling.’
‘I’m not.’
‘You are. You did it on purpose.’
‘I did not!’
‘Mehmet!’
‘You accuse me of everything! It’s racist!’
‘Call him. Now.’
‘I don’t see why I have to do all the crappy jobs around here. All you do is moon around in the back making your precious little cuttings. Like what’s that one even supposed to be?’
‘What one?’
‘The one you’ve been carrying this whole time. The one you just hid behind your back.’
‘This? This is nothing. This is–’
‘Looks like a goose.’
‘It’s not a goose. It’s a crane.’
‘A crane.’
‘A crane.’
‘. . . like the kind that builds buildings? ’Cause, George, I hate to break it to you–’
‘Go. Now. Now, now, now, now, now–’
‘I’m going. God. Slavery was abolished two hundred years ago, you know.’
‘Yes, I know, by William Wilberforce.’
‘And you wonder why no one asks you out. I really don’t think women get turned on by William Wilberforce references. Not that I’d know, I’ll admit–’
‘I have had no problems with girlfriends, Mehmet.’
‘You mean like the last one? The secret girlfriend no one ever saw who didn’t have a name? Did she live in Canada, George? Was she called Alberta?’
‘I don’t even begin to understand those sentences.’
‘Musical theatre reference. Like a foreign language to you. Which reminds me, I’ve got an audition–’
‘Yes, fine, whatever, just put it in the schedule and make the call. And don’t spend a half hour twittering before you do.’
‘Twittering. Was the world in colour yet when you were born, George? And gravity all the time?’
‘Do you honestly think you’re a quality enough employee for me not to fire you?’
‘Oh, here we go. “It’s my shop. I own it–”’
‘I do.’
‘Fine. I’ll leave you here alone with your goose.’
‘Crane.’
‘Well, I hope you’re gonna label it, because no one is ever going to think “crane” when they see that.’
