understand them; art will destroy Europe. That is why the Jews forbade the presentation of images. Those lousy painters, those producers of illusions, wishing to represent reality, expressing themselves through their ridiculous senses, they will make reality unreal. They will teach generations to observe the world with eyes trained by their pictures. Indeed, the day will come when a house in the distance will look small, quite small. Sire, I really cannot believe that. I know that the world will meet its demise, but that houses where people live can look smaller than a man, I cannot believe that at all. That doesn’t surprise me. You are not here to believe or not believe, but to write. You will gain eternal life for that. But this business with perspective, it will be precisely as I have said. Artists will shrink people. They will shorten distances. They will draw the New Europe. Let me go farther than the time in which my thoughts will be read like artistic fiction, in which all of this will be a chapter in an insignificant novel, let me tell you a secret. In the end of all things, when time nears its end, Europe will turn into an enormous library and an endless gallery of pictures. My poor Grossman, long before that apocalyptic twilight, everyone will have their own picture, down to the last busboy in the tavern. At the moment that is the privilege of the kings and high nobility. In those days, the kings will already be in museums. I won’t be. Did you write the history of the sect of Two-Wheelers? No, Sire, I did not have the time. What do you mean, didn’t have the time? I’m either writing down your words, or I’m down there by the throne. But why don’t you write the history at the same time you are writing down my words. I’m sorry, Sire, but that’s absurd. Never mind, just keep writing, the time will come when that will cause no one to wonder. Now, where was I? Oh, yes! In the year nineteen fifty-th…
(Remainder of the manuscript destroyed)
Majordomo Grossman
A HISTORY OF THE DIABOLICAL
TWO-WHEELER
Anno Domini 1347, Monsignor Robert de Prevois, the Inquisitor of Paris, received news from the mouths of honorable citizens that master Enguerrand de Auxbris-Malvoisin, obsessed by the Unclean One, had left the saving grace of the Christian faith, turned to incantations and magic, and built a demonic device that he rode through the streets terrifying people. Not wishing to act drastically, Monsignor Robert ordered Brother Guillaume of Poitiers to clandestinely inquire as to the truth of the rumors. Two months later, Brother Guillaume made his report to the Inquisitor confirming that the news about the devilish dealings of master Enguerrand was true, but that it was incomplete. In his home, Auxbris-Malvoisin regularly gathered a company of witches and wizards whose heresiarch was a schismatic monk named Callistus and whose secular leader was a certain Josephus Ferrarius; this Satanic society met regularly at black masses where they broke mirrors and spoke unfathomable blasphemies about God.
The machine which master Enguerrand publicly and shamelessly rode through the streets of Paris, proved that he was inspired by Satan who is the author of all evil things. Frere Guillaume describes it like this: “Instead of two wheels connected by an axel, one next to the other like on a normal cart, master Enguerrand has built a vehicle where the wheels stand one behind the other connected by a beam which is topped by a seat. It is clear to everyone that such an apparatus cannot stand upright, and it certainly cannot be ridden. And yet master Enguerrand, obviously with the aid of the powers of darkness, accompanied by the great noise of frightened children screaming, rides down the steep streets on this hellish contraption and scandalizes all those who pass there.”
Despite the irrefutability of the evidence, guided by the lessons of our Savior on tolerance and forgiveness, Robert de Prevois wrote a letter to Enguerrand, counseling him to leave his heresies behind, his sinful ways and bodily pleasures, and to return in humility to his mother Church, which forgives all sins and every blasphemy, except for blasphemy against the Holy Ghost. Master Enguerrand, obviously under the complete control of demonic possession, not only showed no intention or wish to repent, but rather haughtily replied, calling the Inquisitor a servant of Satan, saying that he himself was indeed sinful but that he did not know why he would be more sinful than he, Robert de Prevois; he said that he, Enguerrand, possessed evidence that Holy Father Sylvester II (may God protect us from the very thought) had become the Pope thanks to a deal with the Devil; he said that he repented everyday, but saw no reason to do so in front of the Inquisitor. Left with no choice, Robert de Prevois ordered the secular authorities to capture and shackle the heretics.
However, Satan, who is the Prince of this world and the Master of darkness, and who has the power to see some part of the future, found a way to inform his servants Enguerrand, Josephus and Callistus of what was awaiting them, so the three of them snuck out of Paris under the cover of night and went to find sanctuary with the Marquis de Rocheteau, an evil and perverted man. Feeling safe, from there they began sending letters to the honorable Inquisitor, letters full of insults and inconceivable rudeness, to the extent that it is troubling to read them and impossible to reproduce them. Completely overcome with the insanity of their conceit, steeped in irrationality, they began making as many of those demonic two-wheelers as possible with the insane intention of, when the time came, riding off on the path to heaven on them, never dreaming that they would be tumbling out of control into hell. At Rocheteau castle the scum of the earth, thieves, drunks and loose women began to gather, and the Marquis and Enguerrand gave a whipping to Isabelle de Monmoranse, a virgin whose virtue was known far and wide, for they said that no one is virtuous in this world. And so the rumors of the infamous atrocities of the demonic society, who called themselves the Order of the Little Brothers, reached the royal throne. Desiring to maintain peace in the kingdom and quiet among his subjects, the King ordered the Knight, Dagobert of Lourdes, to capture the Rocheteau castle and turn the transgressors against God’s and the King’s authority over into the hands of justice.
With God’s ministration, on Good Friday of Anno Domini 1348, the knight Dagobert overcame the heretics’ resistance, killing the scum, and taking the culprits – Callistus, Enguerrand and the Marquis de Rocheteau – in shackles to Paris. Using the cover of night, Josephus Ferrarius, followed by a small band of the heretics, escaped the hands of justice. From the righteous flames that engulfed the Rocheteau castle, Dagobert temporarily saved the manuscripts of the heretics so that they could serve as irrefutable evidence of their service to Satan. However, when the Inquisitor and Guillaume of Poitiers, having prayed to God, began to research the manuscripts, they found that, except the first page, all the pages were filled with complete nonsense, random series of letters, drawings that imitated texts, which indicated that the Devil was attempting to cover their tracks and save his servants. In vain. The first page was enough to send them to the stake. The parchment read:
THEOLOGIA FRATERNITATIS
and beneath that stood the emblem of their heresy – the cross stuck into some kind of pagan symbols.
At the bottom of the page, moreover, there were verses bursting with heretical ravings:
When you fall asleep, die
to this world. Then arise from your corpse and go
Straight ahead regardless of the apparitions.
Know that those unfortunate beings exist only
When they trick you into believing that you exist, too.
Withstand, you must, the burden of death.
The interrogation of the heretics was carried out immediately after Easter. The Inquisitor, Robert de Prevois, warned them that he had the means to torture them available and that it would be better for them to admit their intercourse with Satan outright, which the Devil’s servants refused to do, and which was, after all, expected of them. Then the Inquisitor began the interrogation of the
