a recycle: different face, same place; different house, same hurt; different relationship, same result. The irony is that we wind up reliving the patterns we were trying to end; repeating the cycles we wanted to change; reconnecting with the same types of individuals we were trying to leave. Often, we find ourselves being attracted to or attracting the same types of people and habits; the core reason is familiarity. Subconsciously we are driven to that which is familiar, though consciously we look for that which is new and different. But by the time we are able to recognize that we've just recycled the thing we dreaded most, we have already invested time and emotions. That's when the dysfunctional element of that relationship begins; not when the negativity is revealed, but when it is received and accepted! Some dysfunction has existed so long in our lives that it is all we've known. This is what I coin "Acceptable Dysfunction". It is the dysfunction that we've grown accustomed to; dysfunction that we've lived with or around, sometimes for generations. Thus, it has been accepted, and because we have co-existed with it for so long, it is no longer seen as dysfunction. The dysfunction then becomes the "normal"; it has become the familiar, while the sane, functional things become abnormal. It then becomes easier to repeat the patterns of the past because we've learned the language of dysfunction. Once you speak the language of dysfunction, the cycles become the sub- culture, making it easier to relate to and communicate to those who now speak your language!
Think about the many items we have lying around our homes that have missing pieces or substituted parts. It could be an end-table with a prop of cardboard placed underneath a leg to balance it because of a broken base. Or perhaps there are layers of tape where screws and brackets should be. Maybe shelves only have plants instead of books because the weight capacity was compromised due to faulty installation. Yet we've lived with that item functioning far beneath its potential. Though it will never operate at its optimum, we are okay with that. As long as we don't disturb it to reveal its defects, then everything is fine! The only thing worse than living with dysfunction is relocating it! That's what a recycle does. It relocates a cycle of dysfunction, from one relationship to another. It would be akin to taking that broken end-table with its cardboard prop and using it in a new home; or taking down that poorly installed shelf that could only hold plants instead of books, and re-installing it in your new home without any repairs or adjustments. You would simply be transporting and relocating defective items from one location to another. That's what people do in relationships. They give themselves no time to make personal repairs and adjustments, dealing with all of the changes and issues that caused the demise of their prior relationships before they jump right into another. Perhaps, like the relocated faulty furniture, a person believes it is better to fill a new place with defective pieces than to leave it new-yet-empty. I believe this type of thinking to be a misnomer, because we have always equated emptiness with loneliness. Emptiness has always been perceived as being impoverished, just as singleness has always been perceived as being unwanted! An empty room means having to start all over again, and not many people are willing to take the time and energy needed in starting over. So they remain in a dysfunctional relationship where at least there is somebody there to hold and to give them some pleasure and satisfaction, than to be alone. But I would rather be alone and be functional, than to be with someone else and remain dysfunctional. When somebody tells me, when asked about their relationship status, that they are "taken", I ask them "Where?" You may have somebody with you, but where are they taking you? Because if you are going anywhere and everywhere except forward, then you are just being taken! The only ship I know that occasionally remains docked yet continues to increase in passengers is a relationship. It could be docked in dysfunction and ported in a place called pitiful, yet people remain onboard. At least when you are by yourself, you don't have to carry the excess weight of somebody else's baggage. I've discovered that being alone isn't synonymous with being lonely. Just because your bed is empty doesn't mean your life has to feel empty. You can be in a relationship and still feel empty. There is a difference between company and companionship! Emptiness isn't measured by the amount of people or activity you have or don't have in your life, but by the level of fulfillment you have. What is often perceived as emptiness could just mean a vacancy for new things. The problem with many people is that their lives are so filled with clutter. Having clutter in our lives is like living with a sign that reads "no vacancy", wherein nothing positive can "check in" because you won't allow negativity to "check out". Our lives could be cluttered with unprofitable relationships and unfruitful activities. Our minds could be cluttered with negative thoughts, or our hearts cluttered with issues. Oftentimes, that's what makes moving so tedious, making the transition into other places in your life difficult. For it isn't until you start packing that you realize how much clutter you have accumulated over the years. Somehow, we collect items and find a way to store them where we live. And the whole time we're packing, we are amazed at how much we've hoarded, and how many valuables were misplaced because they fell through the creases, cracks, and crevices of furniture. How many times have you driven in neighborhoods and saw people with their garage doors open, displaying mountains of boxes which were piled up everywhere? So often, people can't park their vehicles in their garages because of the lack of space. The irony is most people admittedly collect items that they really don't need or use. But often, because of sentimental reasons or the fear of throwing away something important, we hoard and store. That is how we do in life. We let inner fears interfere with moving forward. Thus, we hoard emotional clutter from our past experiences; emotional baggage from each stop made in life. And it's not until we prepare to move out, that we realize how much we have accumulated and stored psychologically. We then find that the most important valuable thing had fallen through the creases, cracks, and crevices of past relationships; that is, our identity! The only thing that clutter does is take up space, preventing opportunities for new and wonderful experiences. But what's worse is that we take all of that clutter with us when we move, thus relocating and recycling the same issues. The only way that where you're going will be better than where you've been, is if you refuse to take where you've been into where you're going! Except you move on, moving out won't matter. Issues must be settled, not relocated. And unlike moving out in the literal, you cannot have a yard sale to liquidate the issues you've accumulated emotionally. In this case, your trash will only be another person's treasure if you freely offer them the wisdom of your experiences!
Sentiment was never meant to be like cement! It wasn't designed to hold you back from making new memories, as if you were somehow being unfaithful to the past ones. You can be connected without being tied down. You are not a cheater, having an affair on your treasured memories because you choose to treasure the new ones! So get to that new place in your life! Get to where you've never been before. Yes, it is unfamiliar and somewhat strange, but it can be the best move you've ever made. You won't know what's up ahead, except you're first willing to leave what's behind! Now, you can start from scratch. Just like in relocating defective furniture, you don't want to fill your new place in life with defective emotional pieces. That's the beauty of moving into a new home. The room is empty, open to new horizons; to new colors; to new furniture. That is how it is when moving into a new emotional place in your life. It is an arrival. But remember, there can be no arrival until there is first a departure. Getting to where you've never been usually involves leaving where you've always been.
Arriving at a new place means departing from the old, and that involves releasing those negative things that perpetuate the cycles and recycles of your past. I was recently at an airport in order to take a trip, and I mistakenly drove to the arrival area of the terminal rather than the departure area. (This wasn't hard to do because the arrival and departure shared the same terminal at this airport) Much to my surprise, I saw very little difference between the activities involved at the arrival area, and the ones involved at the departure area. Although they were diametrically opposed to one another, their similarities were eerily undeniable. In both instances, ground transportation was coming and going. In both areas of that terminal, people were carrying luggage. In both cases, people were hugging and kissing. But what distinguished arrival from departure, outside of the visible signs, was first of all, the embrace. Those who stood curbside at the arrival curb embraced with joy. They were smiling and welcoming their loved ones. There was laughter and celebration at the sight of their loved ones. At the departure curb, there was also long, emotional embracing. Except in this case, the mood was the opposite. The body language and facial expressions told a different story. There were tears and good-byes; clinging and
