and toasted, because she brought up the subject of having babies without even being prompted by the mother hens. They were sitting there looking over the top of their eyeglasses, as if somebody farted and they were looking for someone to pin the blame on. I was safe out of earshot so the ladies could have the run of the kitchen. Besides, I am the official taste tester, and it is a position of honor and it is always held by the most senior male in the family. I knew my official duties didn’t begin until the fixins were almost ready to eat and I took my responsibilities very serious. So, I sat in the living room, with the remote firmly fixed in my hand and dozed off and on during the football game.
“Yeah baby...So when you all think you all gone do that?”, teased Ma. Black.
The mamas were winking their eyes at each other like big time cheaters in a Bid Whist championship.
“Do you want me to give my boy a pep talk to get him ready?”, gibed Ma Sweet.
“No Ma Sweet, that boy of yours is something else. He got mo’ get up and go than I know what to do with,” Terri quips with slightly slurred speech.
“Well, if you know like I know, you better be able to get up and git all of his git up and go, if you want to keep him in the door,” snaps Ma Sweet.
Those two old ladies were cacklin’ like a coop full of hens, and giving high five like the L.A. Lakers.
“You know, Sister Sweet is right. Girl, you got to get waxed while the candle is burning hot. Ain’t no telling when these young men gone die. Hell, at least if he dies, you’ll have some memories to work with at night, if you know what I mean.”
“Honey, I know what you mean. Cause ain’t nothin’ like a real good memory and some fresh D-batteries on a cool rainy night. That’s what keeps me goin’.”
The chatter of the two old hens made Terri scream out loud.
“I can’t believe you two.”
“Why? We weren’t born old. I bet we could teach you young girls a trick or two.”
Ma Black could hardly contain herself.
“I bet the married ladies today don’t even know the wonders that Betadine can do for a relationship.”
“Child...Not even vinegar and water.”
They were hoopin’ and hollerin’ so loud that I had to come into the kitchen to see what was the matter. I stepped into what seemed to be a scene from The Color Purple. There were two old hens and a drunken chick sitting at the kitchen table. Terri slid over next to me and began to pinch me on my butt.
“Honey you should hear what these two ole bitties are trying to put into my head.”
I got a good whiff of Terri’s breath. “Are you alright?”
Terri put her finger to her lips. “Shhhush...Come with me.”
Ma Sweet, with her lip pursed. “Chile, after the conversation we just had, the question is going to be, are you alright?”
“I know that’s right...Whoo Lawd...Have mercy on that young man.” Ma Black just couldn’t keep quiet.
Terri grabbed me by the hand and led me to the door of the kitchen. I resisted a little because I did not know what was on Terri’s mind.
“We’re going to finish snapping these string beans.” Ma Sweet assured.
“ ... And we don’t hear anything.”
Ma Black just had to ease her two cents in as Terri and I left the kitchen. Letting go of my hand, Terri began to run towards the bedroom door. Stopping just at the hall side of the threshold, she looked back at me just long enough to issue a challenge.
“If you want some, you better come and get it now before the two hens get up off those eggs they’re tending to.”
I was shocked, but pleased. I couldn’t believe my ears. “It must be the wine talking for Terri,” was my first thought. And the next thought was, “Damn who’s talking, I like the conversation.”
I quickened my pace to the end of the hall.
When I entered the room I closed the door gently behind me. I did not want my mom and Ma Black to think Terri and I would have sex right under their noses, even though they believed we would. We were in our own house, but I am not as open as Terri when it comes to talking to my mother about my sex life. Terri was already under the comforter when I made it to the edge of the bed.
“What are you waiting on?”
Can you believe it, I was actually a little nervous about making love to my wife in our own house. The thought of my mother hearing me hit it, just freaked me out, but it didn’t faze Terri. Granted, she had the benefit of about a half of a bottle of wine in her system. I kicked off my shoes and lay back on the bed. Terri took no time jumping into the driver’s seat. She tossed my old fraternity shirt she was wearing from under the covers, followed by my sweatpants and the pair of purple and gold thong underwear she bought when she attended her sorority’s national convention in New Orleans last summer. She began to work me like an S.A.T. math problem. Pretty soon, she almost had me figured out. She laughed out loud for no apparent reason. That spontaneous laugh thing was just kind of creepy to me, especially while holding the covers up and looking at my surprise package. As she held my firm want in her hand, she came close to my right ear, nibbled on my earlobe, slipped her tongue into my ear before she whispered a nice naughty something. She made me blush.
“This thing is as hard as Chinese Arithmetic.”
I laughed and the tension in my body just faded away. I rolled to my right and gave her a kiss that was as juicy as an overripe mango; just before we both disappeared under the covers. We got lost in each other. We had one of those rare moments, when soul mates connect like two cars in a high-speed head on collision. This quickie had to be one of the most intense in our history together. The afterglow was upon us and I was easy like a Sunday morning. We needed to get back to the kitchen if we were going to pretend nothing happened.
“You go out first.” I coaxed Terri.
“Negro please! After all of that trash they have been talkin’ to me.”
“Well, we can’t stay in here forever.”
“It’s our house; we can do whatever we want to do. You be the man and go out first. They won’t dare say anything to you.”
“What do you mean, be the man? Are you insinuating that I have been something other than a man prior to this opportunity to step up?”
“Chapman, you know what I mean.”
“No...I don’t...Don’t worry about it. I’ll do what I think a good woman’s good man would do. ‘It’s amazing how much of an expert women are on what a good man looks like, smells like, talks like, dresses like, provides like, makes love like. But ask her what a good woman should be and she doesn’t have a clue’.”
* * * * *
Chapman rose from the bed and took a quick bird bath. His intentions were to come back to the room when his mother and Ma Black began to mill around in the kitchen and in the
