wrong? Didn’t the doctors say everything’s going to be okay?”
“They don’t know,” she said carefully, trying to maintain control. “They can’t make any promises. I’m just so scared.” Now she turned toward him, hoping for some comfort.
Eric was now completely engrossed in the baseball game. He seemed oblivious to her worries. She looked at him tenderly, but the tenderness was quickly replaced with frustration.
“Did you hear what I just said?” she asked. The irritation was heavy in her voice. He looked at her, confused.
“What?” Now he sounded irritated too.
“Never mind,” she murmured, convinced he wouldn’t understand. She really thought that keeping her true feelings from him would help, that somehow it would protect him and make things better. Thus the pattern was set. Set in stone.
The doctors sent her home when the contractions had stabilized enough for their criteria. The only way the contractions would be be stable enough for Annie, was for the doctors to give her a signed and sealed guarantee – which she knew they couldn’t provide. So she went home, scared to death. The elevator ride was a nightmare. There she was, new moms all around her, bringing their babies home, and she had no idea what her future held. Would she be one of them someday? She could only hope and pray. She found it painful to even look at them, all sweet and rosy in their newborn glow. Would she ever know that joy? She desperately wanted to believe that she would, but a tiny place in her soul held the truth.
Eric had opened up the hide-a-bed sofa that was in the den for her to use for her bed rest. He thought it would be better than having her secluded upstairs in the bedroom away from everything. He’d put clean, crisp sheets and a light blanket on it, and had fluffed and arranged the pillows in a cozy heap. It looked so comfortable and inviting, she wanted to climb right in and hide for the next seven weeks straight.
“It looks great,” she crooned, “It’s so sweet of you to get it all ready like this.”
Eric looked up from the stack of mail in his hand and smiled. “It’s the least I could do.”
“Well, I appreciate it,” she said as she reached over to give him a hug. His attention was now riveted on the pile of bills and the smile that had just been there was replaced by a frown. Worry gnawed deeper in her gut once again when she saw his expression.
She knew he was worried about how they were going to pay the bills, with her suddenly not being able to work. They hadn’t been able to save much money to live on during her maternity leave, but they’d managed to put some aside. This unexpected bump in the road would use that up and more. Tears burned her eyes again. Would this never end?
“I’m sorry.” She felt like it was all her fault. His silence wasn’t helping her feel any differently. He turned to look at her, his expression guarded.
“It’ll be okay,” he said as he squeezed her shoulder, “Don’t I always take care of you? I’ll figure something out.”
She wanted his assurance to comfort her, but it didn’t. All she could think about was the money she wouldn’t be making for the next three months. If she went full term, she’d be on bed rest for seven weeks. She’d be lucky if she could take the minimum six weeks of maternity leave at that point. Annie knew she’d feel compelled to cut it short for the sake of their budget. All of these worries stacked themselves neatly upon her shoulders as well as her heart, and she felt as though she were made of lead.
Eric helped her get settled into her new accommodations. The hide-a-bed was positioned exactly in front of the T.V. and a stack of current women’s magazines sat on the end table next to the bed. A tall glass of ice water sat nearby, tiny droplets of condensation running down its sides, forming a ring on the table below. The phone was placed within close reach. She climbed into her new nest.
“This is really comfy,” she said to him as she sank back into the mound of pillows. “I hope I still think that a month from now.”
“Why wouldn’t you? I’d give anything to be able to lie around in bed and be waited on for weeks! You’ve got it made!”
Annie knew he was just trying to be jolly and keep her spirits up, but really - who was he kidding? Did he really think this was great? That she was lucky? She didn’t want to think about it or talk about it now. She just wanted to fast forward to her due date and deliver their healthy little baby.
“Are you hungry?” Eric asked. “It’s almost lunchtime.”
“No, not really. Maybe later.” She pulled the sheet up under her chin. “I think I’ll sleep for a while.” Now that she thought about it, she was exhausted – and besides that, she wanted to escape. Sleep worked well that way.
“Okay,” he started, “Well, if you’re going to sleep, I think I’ll go in to the office for a while. There’s a ton of work I need to get caught up on.”
“That’s fine.” She snuggled down under the covers and looked up at him. He leaned down and kissed her forehead lightly before he turned to leave. “Why don’t you give Sally a call and ask her to come and stay with you?”
“Did you forget? Frank and Sally are on a sabbatical in India for a month.” The thought of the aunt and uncle who were her only family, being so far away, made her feel especially lonely. She needed them now, much like she did after each of her parents had died, so many years ago.
“Oh yeah, that’s right. Well, you’ll be fine. Who knows? By the time they get back, we’ll probably have a baby!” And with that, he kissed the top of her head, and left for the office.
Annie wondered what happened to being treated like a queen and being waited on hand and foot. They had only been home a half hour and she was already on her own. Then she berated herself for being so self-absorbed. Of course he needed to go to work – they needed the money more than ever now. She closed her eyes before the tears could start because she knew that Eric needed to escape for a while too. The thought that her husband needed to get away from her and their baby, from the fear and uncertainty that engulfed her, made the pit of her stomach sting with despair.
A day and a half later, she had an appointment at the clinic to see how things were going. The baby had been less active, but she attributed that to the fact that she was less active as well. The appointment was with Dr. Hayes, a doctor she’d never heard of, but he was the only one with time available. The nurse midwives she’d been seeing at the clinic considered her too high risk; she needed a “real” doctor now.
He strode into the small exam room with the self-assurance of a movie star, a quarterback, a god. Later on Annie couldn’t decide if these were qualities that she gave to him or if he was really like that. At any rate, he exuded confidence. The confidence faltered a bit when the Doptone couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat.
“I’ve always hated these things,” he said, his face reddening with every syllable. “I’ll get the stethoscope.” He untangled a goofy looking contraption with tubes and metal earpieces from a hook on the wall. It also had a strange metal headband on it, which Annie would’ve found amusing if it were another situation. It looked like something from Dr. Frankenstein’s laboratory.
Dr. Hayes placed the bell of the instrument on her belly and listened carefully. You could’ve heard a pin drop, but all that they listened for was a heartbeat. It seemed that everyone was holding their breath. He frowned and repositioned the stethoscope,
