For I’se still goin’, honey,
I’se still climbin’,
And life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.
INTRODUCTION
Free men make decisions; slaves obey orders.
The heroine’s mission is to protect her life and eventually find freedom and independence, as well as an emotional balance, after dealing with all her nightmares – which are many, as many are the physical and psychological barriers she has to face, and which take their own terrifying shape.
The book first presents a very shy protagonist who runs away when in front of her monsters. Only later on does she begin to fight – still with the occasional flight if the situation is particularly dangerous. At the end of her complex inner process, though, there will be a distinct prevalence of fighting over fleeing.
This change clearly implies a personal evolution: she will always and only act in order to protect herself and what she believes is right.
Some people will help her, others will hinder her.
But now please, read on and enjoy.
PART 1
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.3
ESCAPE AND FLEE
Life is a long lesson in humility.4
I was running up the stairs to fetch the key that would finally free us. I instinctively knew that there were fifty-five steps to go up and fifty-five more to go down. Behind me, doors, gates and ancient grates were closing; I could only see darkness and despair all around.
I was growing troubled and distressed, short of breath; walls were fading in colour from honey to cream... I knew I was entering hell, but I couldn’t slow down. As soon as I reached the last step, I sprang toward the room where the key to the last door must be.
In this rush, the key was everything. It was salvation, the symbol for liberation, our deliverance from darkness; but I knew the clawed monster would defend it fiercely: it wasn’t going to be easy.
He had been a man in his previous life, a strong, powerful man; an abuser.
Facing him required in fact every bit of my strength. I could only feint to the side at once and attack with a wooden chair I found nearby; a mere chair against a monster that had been an icon in life. A life of excess, of drinking until early morning, of cocaine, women – millions of women – and child abuse, up to the day he was gruesomely burnt alive.
Having always been particularly sensitive, though, even now I could perceive his weakness.
And then I suddenly attacked: with a feint, I smashed the chair on his head. The wood cracked and broke, leaving only two of its legs in my hands. Deeply distraught, I used them to angrily spear the monster’s chest and neck.
The hideous, burnt figure lay now on the ground; I guessed I could try to burn him to ashes once and for all. My attempt would certainly slow him down: he was terrified of fire, which would finally cleanse his envy of beauty and innocence. It was the only thing he had nurtured in a life of manipulative, psychopathic tendencies.
Yet, although I was practically certain of his obsessive fear, I couldn’t feel any pity for him; I had to defend myself first, and neutralise him in any way.
In his life, knowing that envy and resentment were not socially acceptable, he had disguised them as charm and intellectualism, but his thoughts had always been dark and malicious. Hunger is said to be sharper than a sword: I believe envy is even sharper, and throughout history it has caused discord, wars, and endless mourning.
I was then fortunate enough to find a lighter on the ground; it was surprisingly the one from my youth, which I called ‘the Zippo of my sweet sixteen’ – when I smoked secretly from time to time. I moved quickly, threw the burning Zippo at him and, once found the key, I took it and ran toward the staircase.
Fifty-five steps. I was young, and I flew up the stair. My knee hurt but I endured the pain: every step meant life, so I counted each one over and over again.
Once on top, I finally bypassed the banister and quickly handed the key to my companions – some sought the light, others wanted to pursue the abyss in the opposite direction.
The lock clicked open, but I could feel the monster starting to approach after a brief pause: he was trying to retrace his steps. We needed to leave that place and run toward the light, the same I had always sought.
The elaborate, white-painted gate in front of me was the last hindrance, but it also reminded me of purity, since its grating was sturdy and thick, and protected me as the light did, so that the monster would stay away.
But what could this protective aura ever be? Mere light?
And what was this light? God Himself? Or Lucifer, as in ‘light-bringer’?
Questions, questions... The answers were elusive.
The monster was furious, cursing in his daunting, throaty voice. The gate in fact had been closed and locked again, and everyone had escaped; the key was left for whoever chose to challenge him.
I didn’t think there was anything else to do, so I ventured further, to a dark and gloomy church. Attempting to unravel its mystery, I found myself suddenly alone in the pitch dark of that dusty, crumbling place. I proceeded along the hall that probably constituted the right aisle and found a curious kneeling-stool at the foot of a statue.
How bizarre, I thought. What will it ever...
It was completely covered in blood.
A shiver; then a voice.
“There does not exist one and only one Death!”
What? Won’t death actually be the end of everything? Won’t we slowly vanish like smoke?
Will we go back or move forwards in time? To a recent or remote past, or a parallel dimension altogether?
__________
I realised to be already on the outside of the mysterious church, wandering among ferns. Majestic chain ferns, with shiny leaves that smelt of wildness and reminded me of my childhood country house by the lake.
The old house was now within reach, it seemed, but I was too curious to stop here; I longed to cross that green expanse, in the inquisitive attitude of early youth. My candour actually demanded: “explore!”, my wisdom: “think!”, my heart: “feel!”. So I went on, following my audacious nature.
And then a scene from my past suddenly occurred: a fierce clash between tyrannosaurs.
I fled – although I can attest that, before running away, I was offered a close-up view of the sharp teeth of the two animals – and noticed their stance changing
