also having strange feelings I never had before.”
“That’s just old age creeping into your brittle bones.”
“I’ve been old a long time, Letitia, and this is different.”
“Don’t worry, sugar, my daddy had the same feelings. You’re a normal, horny man who enjoys sex with women.”
“I sure hope so.”
“You need to go to bed with a black woman like me. I promise you, the sex will be so great it’ll curl the hair on your neck and give you a whole new outlook on the world. Then you’d know for sure you ain’t gay.”
“You’d probably give me a stroke.”
She gently nudged his arm with her elbow. “Yeah, sugar, but you’d die with a Colgate smile on your face, I guaranty it.”
He reddened. “No offense, Letitia, but I like my women like I like my fish; white and flaky.”
She shrugged. “It’s your loss.”
“Thanks, anyway, that’s the best proposition I’ve had this decade.”
She sniffed the air with her widely flared nostrils. “Are you wearing a new cologne, Eddie?”
“No, I never wear cologne, I can’t afford it.”
She sniffed him. “You smell very fresh today.”
He shuffled his sneakers. “This morning I ran out of shaving cream. So I improvised, I used my mint toothpaste to shave with instead. You’re smelling the mint. That was resourceful of me; wouldn’t you say?”
“It’s pathetic, if you ask me!”
“Gee, I thought you’d be impressed.”
Her mood grew more serious. “Tell me, Eddie, I’m watching the TV about all those debt problems they got in Europe. You worked on Wall Street for a load of years; should I be worried?”
“I don’t claim to be an expert, Letitia, but, yes, in my opinion, you should be worried.”
“What happens if Europe goes bankrupt?”
“Then the United States could go bankrupt too.”
She chewed it over in her mind. “What happens if this country goes bankrupt?”
“Then Mars will go bankrupt.”
“Mars?”
“I mean, Letitia, the whole world will go bankrupt; there’ll be a worldwide depression the same as we experienced in the 1930’s, possibly worse.”
“Holy shit!”
“Yeah, I’d say that sums up the situation nicely.”
“I’ve got $23,000 saved, Eddie, it’s all I got in the world. I don’t trust those banks. Should I take my cash out and stuff it under my mattress?”
“No.”
“I keep hearing those TV guys talk about what the smart money is doing.”
“Hmm.”
“Who exactly is the smart money, Eddie, and what is it they’re doing with their own money?”
“You’re talking about sophisticated investors such as Carl Icahn, Wilbur Ross, and Bill Ackman.”
“I heard of Icahn; my aunt used to work for TWA until it went out of business and she lost her stewardess job.”
“They are a step or two ahead of the curve in calculating the direction of the stock market.”
“So where are these rich guys putting their cash to work?”
“It’s hard to find out. There are analysts known as whale-watchers who spend all their time trying to figure out the answer to that very question.”
“That’s a funny kind of name.”
“In Las Vegas the high-rollers are called whales, Letitia, and on Wall Street the large investors are also called whales.”
“Gotcha.”
“Anyway, these rich guys are very secretive and it’s not easy to discover what they’re up to. They are required to file quarterly reports with the SEC on their holdings, however, by the time this info becomes public, it is stale and could be misleading.”
“So you can’t actually find out what the smart money is doing?”
“No, you can’t, Letitia, not unless you work there.”
“Then what should I do, Eddie, where should the dumb money like me be investing today?”
“I’d put it in gold if I were you.”
“Why gold?”
“Because Governments can print dollars but they can’t print gold.”
“Hmm.”
“If the U.S. Government prints so much money that our paper currency becomes worthless, Letitia, at least you’ll have a precious metal which will hold its value no matter what happens.”
“Come hell or high water?”
“Yeah.”
She straightened up and threw back her broad shoulders. “Eddie, I’m gonna take your advice and do just that, I’m going into gold.”
“Fine, Letitia, I’ll show you how.”
“Do I got to buy gold bars?”
“No, you’ll buy an ETF backed by gold bullion stored in a vault in London.”
“That’s fine with me since I wouldn’t have nowhere safe to store the bars in my crummy neighborhood.”
“Not a problem.”
“But London is so far away and it’s in another country.”
“If the shit hits the fan here, Letitia, it might be best to have your assets in another country so the U.S. Government can’t confiscate them.”
“Washington would just grab my savings without my permission?”
“It might if the situation gets really desperate.”
“Ok, Eddie, I don’t like what you’re saying, but I hear what you’re saying.”
“It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
“Let’s get back to your sleeping situation. I’ll give you a second chance, come stay with me out in Bed-Stuy and stop squatting.
