it. I’m the most un-distinguished person there is.”
She leaned closer. “So, Eddie, will you sit for me?”
“You’re very tenacious, Julia, I have no doubt that one day you’ll make some unfortunate young fellow a superbly nagging wife.”
“Eddie!”
“We’ll see, Julia, we’ll see.”
*
You Eat What You Kill
Jimmy Donovan, 50, a round-shouldered man with hangdog eyes, freckles and an advanced case of male-pattern-baldness sat slouched on a barstool, contemplating dark thoughts about his dim job prospects, slowly nursing a beer.
Ruthie left the Coat-Check, stole up behind him, ruffled his hair, and put her lips to his ear. “I’ve two important words for you, Jimmy, so listen carefully.”
“What’s that?”
“Laughter Yoga.”
“Huh?”
“Yoga improves your mental discipline and ability to concentrate.”
“I know, Ruthie, my wife does yoga.”
“And laughter brings oxygen into your brain which relieves stress and boosts your immune system. It’s all part of the Mind-Body connection.”
“I’m not in the mood to do much laughing right now.”
“No, not now, Jimmy, not here, but when you’re at home.”
“Huh?”
“Sit in the lotus position and force yourself to laugh when you’re alone.”
“Oh, Ruthie!”
“You see, Jimmy, your body can’t tell the difference between real laughter and fake laughter.”
“Uh-huh.”
“So you’re going to feel much better even if you fake it.” She rested her cheek on his. “I love you, Jimmy, but I must get back to work.”
“Thanks for your concern, Ruthie, it was sweet of you.”
“One more thing before I go.”
“What?”
“If I were you, Jimmy, I’d seriously consider becoming a Buddhist.” She released him and departed as quickly as she had come.
Arnie Stark brought him a fresh beer. The Bar Manager, a tall man with a turkey neck and a long rattail reaching down to his waist, had worked at the Bull & Bear for 21 years without ever taking a sick day.
Jimmy held up his not-quite-empty beer bottle. “I’m still massaging this one.”
“Cheers, it’s on the house,” Arnie said, speaking out of the side of his mouth as he always did.
“Since when does a cheapskate like yourself buy customers back after the first drink?”
“Since I heard about your trouble, Jimmy.”
His jaw worked back and forth. “News travels fast.”
Arnie nodded sympathetically. “It does and bad news travels much faster than good news.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes. It’s because people secretly enjoy gossiping about someone else’s troubles.”
“I see.”
“The krauts even have a name for it, Jimmy, they call it schadenfreude. It means pleasure which is derived from the misfortune of others.”
He nodded. “I learn something new every day.”
Arnie sprayed a bluish detergent on the bar’s surface and wiped it off with a damp cloth. “Don’t give up on yourself.”
“It’s easy for you to say; you’ve got a job.”
“We’ve all got our problems, Jimmy, you’re not unique by any means.”
He ran his hand over his face. “I’m sorry, Arnie, of course you have your own problems. Forget what I said, I was out of line, I apologize.”
“It’s already forgotten.”
“Thanks.”
“You can’t wait for life to make the next move, Jimmy, you need to take the Bull by the horns when it comes to looking for your next job.”
“I know; Tuck and me are going to try and figure that out tonight.”
“And choose wisely because at your age you only get one bite of the apple.”
“Has Tuck come in yet.”
“No.”
“What about Carl?”
Arnie picked up his empty beer bottle and dropped it into the recycle bin. “I’d stay away from him if I were you.”
“A man is considered innocent until proven guilty in this country.”
“I grew up in France, Jimmy, where the legal system operates under the Napoleonic Code. Over there, you’re presumed guilty until proven innocent.”
“Hmm.”
“It works better that way; they have much less crime and far fewer lawyers in France than we do here.”
“Are you going to return to France when you retire, Arnie?”
He shook his head. “Je deteste les Francais.”
“Oh.”
“It goes back to the war and the treatment of my parents.”
“I see.”
“There are some things a person can’t forgive or forget.”
“Has Eddie been in?”
“Yes, he’s here somewhere. But I’d stay away from him too.”
“Why?”
“Eddie is his own worst enemy, Jimmy, the guy needs to be protected from himself.”
“Hmm.”
He began to polish a line of brandy sniffers with a cloth. “It is very difficult to save people from themselves, Jimmy, almost impossible.”
“I realize that.”
“What Eddie needs is
