although maligned, is really quite ingenious.
Before the fellas commence howling at the insult, hear me out. Ignoring more is a clear path to an unperturbed, serene life. Ignoring the majority of life’s bedlam makes for an outlook that remains steady, unaffected by emotional upheaval. Men are masters at tuning out emotional upheaval. Unless it involves a sporting event, you’ll rarely see a man with his Granny Panties in a bunch.
Consider the following scenario, which no doubt played out countless times in your home when your children were young. A kid is on the phone talking to a friend, with dad three feet away at the kitchen table. At some point, the kid says, “Wait a minute; I’ll go ask my mom,” at which time the child proceeds to scream “Mom!” at the top of his/her lungs to ask permission to “go to so-and-so’s house, see a movie, have people over, etc.”
Mom, wherever she is (usually in the bathroom), responds by screaming, “What? What do you want? I can’t hear you! What is it?”
Following ten minutes of shrieking, communication finally ensues, the question is answered, and everyone returns to the order of business as usual. Everyone, except, of course, dad, who has yet to stray from business as usual, or from the newspaper he is reading at the kitchen table. Dad, employing his expertise at ignoring both his screaming child and shrieking wife, has remained dedicated to his own pursuits, unperturbed by the goings-on around him.
Men develop this expertise early on in life, beginning as young boys, when they conveniently “don’t hear” ninety percent of what their mothers tell them. Studies have been done which maintain that men genuinely cannot hear many tones in the female vocal register, a claim to which my husband has clung desperately since we met. This “fact” has allowed men everywhere to regularly employ what my husband has come to refer to as the “Sergeant Schultz rule.”
Sergeant Schultz was the notoriously dense German soldier in charge of policing a wily bunch of World War II prisoners in the 1960’s sitcom Hogan’s Heroes. Colonel Hogan and his crew continually undermined the Germans’ operations by spying, intercepting German plans, and spiriting prisoners to freedom. Through it all, Sergeant Schultz would seemingly miss the machinations taking place directly under his nose, all the while proclaiming, “I see nothing. I know nothing,” in a clipped German accent.
While we women have spent our lives consulting experts, comparing personal strategies with our friends and reading instructional manuals on everything from child-rearing to how to handle our in-laws, our husbands have spent their lives studying the behavior of one Sergeant Schultz.
When the kids were young, Dave rationalized that whatever his response to a kid-posed query, mine would likely contradict it. He recognized that had he granted permission when permission should have been denied, general mayhem would have ensued and he would have found himself at the center of a maelstrom—thus, the activation of the Sergeant Schultz rule. If he sees nothing and knows nothing, he must therefore remain blameless before God and men, or more important, me.
Although I claimed to be exasperated by his routine, the truth is I was, and remain, envious of his cluelessness, be it actual or affected. If only I could ignore the goings-on around me instead of inserting myself into every situation within earshot. How I wish I could say, “I see nothing. I know nothing,” and mean it.
But I can, and so can you. My cousin, Valentina Bartolomeo, she of the wisdom born of South Philadelphia, has another way of putting it: Mind your own business. Once, while attending a family function, a relative cast a disapproving look at “Valli,” who was smoking a cigarette. In a manner unique to South Philly Italians, one that admonishes, but with a rough hug, Valli looked directly at the offended party and said, “Mind your own business!” as she continued to smoke, unperturbed. Case closed.
Remember the old lady on your street who was always peering out her window taking notes on the indiscretions of the neighbors? Remember how everyone hated that old lady? She wore Granny Panties. And if you want to stay out of them, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
There are a million small incidents in a day during which ignorance is the ideal response. Those boys walking down the street with their pants hanging down around their asses looking ridiculous? Ignore them; it’s none of your business. A commotion taking place at the neighbors across the street? Unless it sounds like someone is getting hurt, pull the shade and stay out of it. Workplace drama commanding undue attention? See nothing; know nothing.
Basically, stop looking for reasons to be offended. Because if you look for them, you’re going to find them, no doubt. Then you’ll waste precious time stewing over things that really have nothing to do with you. Things that don’t actually impact your life in any way, except that once you’ve internalized them and made them your business, they crowd your mind and sap your energy, leaving you talking to yourself and unproductive.
Further, keep what you know about someone else to yourself. Gossip isn’t known as a notorious time-waster for nothing. If you hear a juicy tidbit about so-and-so, keep your mouth shut and mind your own business. Put a little of the energy you’d expend hashing out someone else’s troubles into creating some joy and fun for yourself. Stay above the fray and ignore the swirling maelstrom on the outside.
Yet external goings-on aren’t the only things we should refuse to absorb. Perhaps the most important thing we gals have to learn to ignore is right under our noses and sounds borderline blasphemous: Our kids. Just like dad when the munchkins were small, it’s now our duty to turn a deaf ear, or more accurately, a highly selective ear, to their daily demands—for their sakes as well as ours.
It’s ridiculously hard to ignore our kids, especially when, from their births, it was our job to protect them and direct their every move. The problem is that we didn’t know when to stop, creating a culture of dependent adults who could probably function just fine on their own, if we only let them.
But we don’t. Many well-meaning moms (and of course I don’t mean me) entwine themselves so intricately into their kids’ lives that sometimes we can’t figure out where one thread ends and another begins, so we continue to do everything for them well past the time when they should be handling their own stuff. (Okay, I do mean me.)
It would be easy to cast the blame on them and bemoan our notion that they can’t live without us, but we created this. And unless we change the status quo, by first getting over our need to be the answer for everything and then gradually extricating ourselves from their daily junk, we’re assigning ourselves to a life in Granny Panties, eternally responsible (at least in our own minds) for everyone else, never having time for ourselves, and serving as perpetually whining sacrificial lambs—lambs in Granny Panties.
So, is your daughter fighting with her boyfriend? Murmur sympathetically, nod at appropriate intervals and ignore the entire thing. Odds are, she’s venting and anything you say can and will be used against you at a later date anyway. Is your son failing a class in his major? Tell him to get his act together; let him know he’ll have to pay for the class if he flunks, and then mind your own business. It’s his problem (provided you stick to your guns and hold him accountable) and he needs to take responsibility for his actions. Are your kids fighting with each other? Tell them to get over it and refuse to hear details. It’s highly likely they’re all in the wrong one way or another. Married kids having troubles? You really need to stay out of this one. Be empathetic, murmur, nod and repeatedly sing the alphabet in your head until your kid stops talking.
Again, if there’s a serious issue, by all means get involved. But generally speaking, sympathy is fine; adding your two cents isn’t. Ignore more; mind your own business and let everyone else mind theirs. If you stay out of stuff that doesn’t concern you, both outside of your home and in it, you’ll have more time for fun or learning something new or even a nice, long nap—the benefits of which
