various doctors to discuss the number of medications Mom and Dad were taking every day which obviously needed to be pared down. I was to find quality help for them—people who could be trusted. Last, but certainly not least, they created a detailed list of expectations for me, including errand running, grocery shopping, and anything else they could think of that ran on for pages and pages, typed and single spaced.
After reading bits of the sisters’ drivel, I decided not to waste any of my time with their trivia. I tore it into dozens of pieces and left it in the trash. The sisters felt relieved by the wisdom of their words. I felt nothing but irritation and loneliness.
…
Reflection
Lists
Write things down. Write everything down. Make lists… lots of them. If you think that you will remember, I can absolutely confirm that you will not. I say that not to discourage you but to give you a preview of the complexity of managing the life of someone else, as well as your own. The line between the two fades and keeping track of even the most basic activities may become impossible to keep inside your head.
Decide where you will write your lists. If you don’t decide, scraps of paper take over your life. You may not notice that life has filled to the overflow, until one fateful moment when you can’t find what you need. Failing to retrieve the right scrap of paper containing a bit of vital information, can melt you into a puddle of frustration in the middle of the scraps. Even if it’s right in front of you, don’t count on being able to see it.
The answer? Get yourself a snazzy organizer notebook where you can write everything. It needs to be snazzy so you can find it easily. And it needs to be something that you can grab quickly with one hand. Multi-tasking becomes a familiar way of existence and your list-containing notebook just might save your sanity.
Take a moment.
Get an organizer. Do it NOW!
…
Chapter 5
Finding Help
In my search for competent help, I spent hours conducting interviews with agencies as well as self-employed individuals before hiring a variety of people to assist my parents. After settling on a tentative caregiving schedule, the holidays were upon us, so I waited from Thanksgiving until after New Year’s Day before implementing the system of retired medical (former nurses) and non-medical (companionship/helpers) personnel.
As new people assumed some of my mom’s responsibilities, she felt relieved. Although no one approached tasks the way she did, Mom realized how much easier it was for her to have their help. She also enjoyed a side benefit of developing relationships with the staff of caregivers, particularly the college students whom she liked to mother. She learned about their families, what they were studying in school, their hobbies and anything else she could think of. In turn, they doted on her and tried very hard to do things Mom’s way.
Dad tolerated the intrusion into their privacy for the sake of my mom and he was glad when each helper’s shift was over and the two of them could be alone again.
Most of the time Dad was capable of managing his daily activities by himself. He kept exercising several times each week and continued dealing with their financial affairs, just as he had always done.
A few weeks after the new routine began, Dad decided that I was to be the designated person to take over when he was no longer able. Dad, still well aware of his surroundings, contacted his attorney and asked him to draw up the necessary paperwork. Once the papers were in my dad’s possession, he told me of his plan—one that I wasn’t at all enthusiastic about. Dad was insistent, and so to pacify him, I eventually agreed, never imagining the implications of his decision.
Within a few weeks of starting the new schedule of helpers for my parents, I realized that I had hired too many caregivers. I made adjustments several times and everything remained fairly constant for a while. We all enjoyed a false sense of security allowing me to believe that everything was under control.
Everything is tentative,
but you have to start somewhere...
…
Reflection
Looking
When you don’t know how to solve a problem, take a look around. It’s surprising how many resources are right in front of you.
Have you ever needed to replace your refrigerator because Old Faithful suddenly gave up the ghost? You look in the ads to see if any store might happen to have a sale on refrigerators because you certainly don’t want to pay more than you have to for such an unglamorous, yet necessary item. Good Fortune has smiled on you and multiple stores chose that week to sell refrigerators at a discounted price. How great is that!
What you don’t realize is that those same stores frequently sell refrigerators at a reduced price. You never noticed before because you weren’t looking.
Life seems to work like that for most anything you need. Give it a try. I bet you’ll realize that resources for helping you and the person you care for were there all the time! You didn’t need them, so you hadn’t noticed before.
Open your eyes and keep looking.
…
Chapter 6
The Hospital
For the first time in our entire married life, my husband and I lived alone. Our life together spanned more than 30 years and we were, for the first time, without children! My stepdaughter had married and was busy with her own family, while our son’s focus remained on designing his life and career.
During those first months after our son left home, my husband and I spent our time getting acquainted with each other, learning to play, and experiencing what it felt like to put each other ahead of everything else in the world. On a whim we could take off for a weekend, enjoy a drive anytime, or talk for hours without interruption. We grew the colorful, wonderful relationship that I had wanted throughout our entire marriage but always had to set aside because of someone else’s needs. Exploring new hobbies, working together, and complementing each other’s skills, cemented a closeness of which we had only dreamt. Finally, each of us had a soft place to fall and life had become exactly what we wanted it to be—just the two of us.
My husband and I took a vacation in September, the eighth month of my parents’ new routine. We drove a few hours to a state lodge where we enjoyed a 3R vacation—rest, relax and refuel. It felt great! Reflecting about our life together, gratitude filled our hearts. Our son’s life was on track. My husband’s business was doing well. My parents were relatively stable and I was busy building my own lucrative design business and teaching lots of classes. Life felt pretty darn good! As long as it lasted, the illusion of smooth sailing was intoxicating.
Only a couple of weeks after returning from our vacation, my bedroom phone jarred me awake in the pre-dawn hours. With my heart pounding wildly, I listened as the unemotional voice from the emergency monitoring service reported, “Your father, suffering severe chest pains, is being transported to the hospital by ambulance and your mother is remaining
