Ben as a person, but I thought that perhaps in time my attitude may change. I was not aware of what was to come.
As time went on I began to feel more uncomfortable with Ben and noticed he became moody and awkward. So to keep him in a pleasant mood I agreed with him on most things but I felt very confused. Incidentally, I never saw my girlfriends anymore. I missed my dancing at the Palais and my cinema nights. All Ben and I did was go to the Working Men’s Club with his friends and drink beer. I did not like Ben’s friends at all. They were loud-mouthed and whispered things about me to him. I felt hurt that Ben would never stick up for me. He just laughed along with them. I lost all of my confidence and felt very insecure. Ben and his friends all had motorbikes and on the odd nights he did not see me, he went out with them. I stayed at home feeling very lonely.
We didn’t go to Ben’s house very often. I had always tried to make excuses not to visit them, but on one occasion all the family were there and I actually had a lovely time. I felt guilty afterwards for feeling like I had in the past. It must have been my imagination. Yes, maybe they were a nice family after all.
One night shortly after this, we went back early to Ben’s house for a change instead of mine. I was looking forward to seeing his family again but they had all gone out and left a note saying, ‘Will be back later’. Much to my dismay I had no desire to be alone with Ben nor did I want to encourage him. Of course, he seized the opportunity and started kissing me. I tried to stop him by changing the subject. I talked about the photographs around the room.
‘Who is that?’ I asked, and ‘When was this one taken?’
‘What a lovely picture. Where are you in this one?’ But he was not listening. He just forced his unwanted kisses on me. I pleaded with him to stop, but to no avail. The situation got out of hand very quickly. I tried fighting him off but my efforts were useless. There was no way I could stop him...
The rest of my frightening ordeal is still a chaos of blurred memories. I’m not sure how long it really went on for but thankfully for me now it seems it was only seconds before I managed to break free. Embarrassed and distraught, I left the house without a word and walked the short distance home. Thankfully, my parents had gone to bed so there were no questions to answer. I had a bath, went to bed and cried myself to sleep. There was no way I could face him again. I stayed at home except to go to work.
A couple of months went by and I began feeling unwell, plus my period was late. I made excuses to myself but my gut was telling me something else. I searched desperately for any reason rather than the obvious one. I went off tea. It made me queasy. No, it couldn’t be! I just did not want to believe it. I denied it to myself, trying to convince myself that it did not happen. But I could deny it no longer. I was well and truly in a terrible state and I didn’t know which way to turn. I was terrified but knew I had to tell my mother. By this time I was already throwing up secretly.
All I’d ever wanted was to dance at the Palais with my friends, and go to the pictures. It was not fair, I hated Ben and I didn’t want a stupid boyfriend. I’d only kept going out with him to keep Mum and Stan happy and keep the rows at bay. I just wanted to be part of a normal family. Had they accepted my dancing at the Palais this situation would never have happened. What was so wrong with going out dancing? My own mother admitted that she went to many dances when she was young. In my eyes it was their fault, but they blamed me. They were wrong and I didn’t hold back in telling them. The rows were terrible and the blame that was directed at me became more and more unbearable.
I felt alone and miserable. Being pregnant was not how I imagined it to be. I always thought it would be a wonderful and loving experience but I was hateful towards Ben for putting me into this situation. I was certainly not mature enough for sex and I knew very little about it. It wasn’t discussed so openly in the fifties. Ben was my first boyfriend but I have no doubt he had slept with other girls before me. At his age, shouldn’t he have known better? Ben and I never talked about what had happened at that time. Our lives were now in the hands of our parents. There were only two options— marriage or a mother and baby home. I didn’t want to go to a home. Marriage seemed to be much more socially acceptable and I wanted to give my baby a name. It was now nearly the end of March and arrangements had to be made.
Chapter 8
Mum and Stan met Ben’s parents and settled on a marriage date as soon as possible. It was arranged for April 2 1953—the soonest date available at the registry office.
Our honeymoon was in Brighton. After the entire trauma of having to organise a quick wedding, our families seemed alright together. Ben and I tried to put the strain between us aside. I guess we suddenly felt more grown up now we were married. While on our honeymoon, I surprisingly began to feel more secure and happier about having a husband. Just like my childhood holiday with the ladies in black, I realised I had to try and make a bad situation better. On returning, we rented two rooms in my new mother-in-law’s friend’s house. Luckily, I’d always had to put the dinner on for Mum so I could cook. On the other hand Ben’s mum, Ivy, liked to cater to him. The relationship was not too bad between us. In fact, I felt quite happy. At least I was away from my mother and Stan with their constant arguing and nagging. I enjoyed looking after our two little rooms, and having a husband.
It wasn’t long before problems started to occur in our relationship. Ivy’s friend Gladys didn’t like me very much because I did things differently to her. I also wasn’t spending any time with her because I felt we had nothing in common. She started causing trouble by telling Ben things I was doing wrong. He always seemed to take this woman’s side as she was older, and his mother’s best friend. He started criticising me and this made me cry. I always tried my very best in the house but no matter what I did, she would find some fault and tell Ben. Eventually Ivy even started having a go at me. I think she secretly wanted her son back for herself.
Ben and I would go out Saturday evenings to the club where his mates had saved seats for us. I always felt uncomfortable because his mates passed snide remarks constantly throughout the evening, stirring him because he had to get married. They remarked about he can’t spend his money on beer anymore because it was for baby clothes. I know he hated it and he would get back at me later. Soon after I stopped going out. Ben deeply resented the whole situation. He made good money so there shouldn’t have been a problem but he just didn’t want to use it to keep ‘unwanted baggage’—me and the baby. He confirmed that by giving me the bare minimum of housekeeping money.
Ben had to sell his motorbike to help towards the costs of the baby. What made things worse were the nights when he continued to go down to the club with his mates and they started cracking their jokes about him being ‘tied down’. I didn’t know Ben sold his motorbike, I certainly never ask him too. He never talked to me about the financial affairs. Once I found out, it was obvious he blamed me and never forgave me. He should have thought about the consequences before he forced me on the floor that night.
One morning I woke up feeling unwell. I had stomach pains and felt feverish. I was a few days past my due date but I didn’t think it was anything to do with being in labour. It just wasn’t how I thought it would feel. As I headed off to the kitchen to prepare a snack, Gladys came into the room. She looked at me strangely and asked if I was alright.
Instinctively I immediately thought, ‘What have I done wrong now?’
‘You look like you’re in labour’, she said.
The next thing I remember is an ambulance arriving to take me to hospital. Indeed I was in labour. Luckily, I had packed my suitcase a month before my due date as I was instructed by the clinic. At the hospital, I was giving a pubic shave, an enema and a bath. I felt violated.
