both greeted me warmly and told me that they were there to take care of me for the next few years, and I wasn’t to worry about a thing. They were happy to help me. I felt great warmth and caring coming from them. Was this a dream I could really believe? They seemed so demanding and difficult to please in real life. Could I trust the dream?
Now began the most taxing part of my career. I was running two offices with an average of twenty-five employees between them and a gross annual income of approximately $750,000. I was earning enough of a percentage of that to finally feel financially secure. I was also active with the birthing and growth of the Women’s Community Fund. My marriage was good. We were planning Zack’s B’nai Mitzvah. And because of our status in the community, we were invited to attend many galas, grand openings and cultural events in Cleveland. Could life get any better?
Yes it could and it would. But first I had some other grand adventures to live through.
Chapter 13
An Epiphany
My life seemed to be on a wonderful trajectory. My marriage was solid, the children were thriving, work was going well, we had many friends and I was active in the philanthropic community.
I had had many moments in my life when it would have been lovely to have a palpable connection with God or some benevolent spirit. This certainly would have been helpful when my parents and Carolyn had died or when I was so miserably alone each time Barry left me. But now I was fine and I really wasn’t in need of comfort or any special sort of epiphany.
But in the autumn of 1984, I awoke one night from a deep sleep to find myself floating in a tunnel of luminous golden-white and blue light. I was suspended in space even though I also could see and feel I was lying in bed. I was in bed, but at the same time, I wasn’t. The feeling was, and is, beyond description. Back then, I had no words that I could use to describe what I was feeling. Some now call it an “out of body experience.” But I wasn’t just out of my body. I was both. I was in and I was out.
While I was suspended above my sleeping self, I felt a sense of love pouring through me that I have never known on Earth. I had also never known the complete sense of peace that was filling me as well. Life was supposed to be a struggle, and that feeling of struggle had permeated all my interactions. I knew this in that moment because there was a complete absence of a sense of struggle in this cylinder of beautiful Light.
I also sensed a presence and thoughts came to me from that presence that affirmed that I was loved and all was well. I had not gone to sleep requesting this information. I had not had a troubling day. On the contrary, I had felt very positive and happy; this information was not deriving from any need or desire for help. I had already felt complete, so I was rather surprised and curious to sense these thoughts.
But now I could see that what I’d previously thought was a feeling of completeness was nothing at all compared to what I was feeling in this moment. The message I was receiving was simple. But I felt deep within me that it contained a truth I’d never consciously allowed myself to feel before.
My own mind liked to flood me with thoughts about how I could have done something, anything better. And here was this Light telling me that I was doing everything perfectly! I had made no mistakes.
The presence continued to tell me that all was going well, that I should just continue doing as I was doing now. In a way I felt that this presence was simply congratulating me on a job well done and asking me to trust that all would continue to go well. Then the presence began to encourage me to return to my human form that was on my bed. The message had been delivered, and it was time to return.
Although I could sense my husband lying next to me and knew that the children were sleeping nearby, I had no desire at all to leave this presence. I had never felt such a feeling of being completely loved before and I wasn’t going to let this go. The love I’d felt from my husband and children was wonderful. But it was nothing like the love I was feeling from this presence. I wasn’t about to let this go. Besides, I had questions to ask. I wanted to know what this was and why it had come to me.
I resisted the movement back to my body that appeared to be sleeping on the bed. I protested. But this loving Light would not allow me to stay in the cylinder of Light. It continued to assure me that all was well, that I was loved and should allow myself to return to my body. I struggled to stay. I could feel myself being pushed back into my body as I strained to remain within the cylinder of Light. In spite of my protests, I found myself completely back inside my body. As I felt a heavy thud at re-entry and a sense of shock at being in my body, I realized that I hadn’t been dreaming. I had been conscious the whole time.
The encounter seemed to only take a few moments. It was all too brief. I struggled to keep the wonderful, blissful feeling within me but it was no use. I was back in my body and feeling very separated from whatever had just engulfed me.
I did not try to wake my husband and ask him if he had experienced anything. Somehow, I just knew he had not.
Sleep eluded me for quite some time as I tried to understand what had just occurred. My mind could not make sense of this. But I continued to try. I had not read, heard, or seen anything in my life that could have prepared me for what had just happened. I simply had no frame of reference. No one had ever told me of having such an experience. Something indescribable had happened. I knew it wasn’t a bad thing. I had felt completely loved in a way that I had never ever felt loved on Earth. How could that have been a bad thing? I knew I had to keep this experience alive within me. I knew I had to understand what had happened. But how could I when I didn’t even know what had come to me and what had just happened? How was I to fit this experience into my life? I wouldn’t be able to forget it. How would I live my life as I had after this wonderful feeling had filled me and I had felt such an unearthly love?
Chapter 14
Making a Fool of Myself -- Repeatedly
We now enter the stage of my life that, in hindsight, I have ruefully called the “blithering idiot” stages I and II. I have had many opportunities to experience this condition, some lasting longer than others, but those were the first blatant examples and, as I look back, have become the most noteworthy.
Here is how it started: I finally fell into a fitful sleep on the night of that extraordinary encounter, and when I awoke the next morning, I tried to explain what had happened to my husband. He listened politely and intently. His eyes opened wide during some of my explanation and I knew he was wondering what possible response he could give that would not leave me in an even greater state of agitation than I was already exhibiting.
Of course, nothing like this had ever happened to him, but I asked anyway and immediately felt a chasm open between us that I somehow knew would never close. He knew from past experience that when I became interested in something, I would exhaust the subject until I had learned everything about it I possibly could. Would he be able to understand this? Would he even want to try?
Feminist art, helping to start a foundation, working as a manager for a large corporation, raising children that were not his own – those were things he could understand. Those were quantifiable areas that he could relate to on some level. But just as I had no frame of reference for what had occurred here, he had none either. How do you relate to something
