of his memories, did not want to explore this issue with anyone and considered leaving the workshop. He visited the local doctor and was given a course of antibiotics.
During the start of the second week of the workshop, David asked me for a private healing session. After a period of relaxation and laying on of hands, I decided I would try to get him to explore and accept the hatred he was experiencing in his solar plexus. The Course states "There is an advantage to bringing nightmares into awareness, but only to teach that they are not real, and that anything they contain is meaningless." (T159; T-9.V.3:1) If David could uncover his ‘nightmares’ of self-hatred and guilt without judging them, he would then have an opportunity to change his mind about his seeming ‘sins’ of the past. My own feeling of acceptance and non-judgement of him, which I experienced as I gently guided him on this journey, would also help this process.
To help him undo his state of repression — what the Course calls ‘denial’ — I asked him to explore the sensation in his solar plexus. Previous experience had taught me that important messages are locked up in our areas of pain. I asked him to describe how large the area of discomfort was, its shape and depth, its colour and texture, and whether it felt hotter or colder than the rest of his body. As it is impossible to resist and explore the pain simultaneously, I was encouraging David to undo his denial about himself. When clients follow this approach, they are describing the ‘clothes of the messenger’ and this can lead them into deeper levels of their mind where the ‘nightmares’ are to be found.
David discovered a hard red ball in his solar plexus. I asked this ‘messenger’ how it was feeling and David replied that it was angry. He experienced a strong resistance to his discovery. He could not accept it in his body and hated it being there. He said it felt like a foreign object which needed to be attacked and thrown out. Feeling his strong resentment towards this part of his body, I went within and asked for help in what to say or do. What came to me was to ask him how this hard, red, angry ball had served him all these years. After all, it was his creation and he was holding on to it with great determination. Not surprisingly, he objected strongly to my question and reiterated he did not want this ball inside him. I felt guided to continue gently exploring this issue with him without any investment on my part in trying to bring about changes in him that I thought were necessary.
Slowly David began to receive insights on how this ball of hatred was serving him. He realised that he had created it as a protection against his fear of opening his heart to people and acting more spontaneously in life. He saw himself as a person dominated by his mind and rigid control patterns. To let go of his investment in his self-hatred and guilt was to free himself to relate more lovingly and openly to people. This opportunity was now before him. He could hear two parts of his mind counselling him: the ego and the Holy Spirit. His ego told him that it would be very dangerous to let go of his control patterns, as he would not be able to predict how people would behave to him if he related more from his heart than his head. The Holy Spirit part of his mind counselled him in the opposite direction.
He had nothing to lose but an illusion of sacrifice. The new way of relating would bring him renewed energy and joy. David could also sense a suppressed part of himself he called the ‘joker’ and felt it would be fun to let this joker out. As he struggled with these two voices, I asked him if he would try to see if he could give away his angry red ball. I reassured him it would be okay if he could not, but he could lose nothing by the experiment. I suggested he visualise a pair of loving, gentle, golden hands outstretched before him awaiting the gift of his angry red ball. I told him that these hands wanted his pain, not his love, as a gift. The hands were only interested in "removing the blocks to the awareness of love’s presence" (Intro., Text) in him. David decided to give his pain away to these hands. As he did this, he started to laugh and cry at the same time. A lightness of being came over him and a strong energy entered his body, so much so that after the session he went off to run and literally jump in the nearby woods. Although he had been on the point of leaving the workshop, he now felt happy to stay and complete it.
The Course lists a number of reasons why we choose sickness and we shall explore these in Chapter 4. We are not usually aware of these decisions, as our ego immediately denies having made them. Thus it appears we are innocent victims of circumstances beyond our control. We say to ourselves that our body is sick and our body needs healing, forgetting that the causative level of disease is in our mind.
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