style="font-size:15px;"> •Do be prepared that tensions will be high and the environment will be uncomfortable due to the mixture of personalities and hidden agendas. True colors and fangs will be revealed during this process, so don’t be surprised when this occurs.
Dividing possessions can be among the most contentious experiences in our adult lives. There is no way to completely eliminate family squabbles, but you can learn to minimize them. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Keep emotions from smoldering into flames that will never be totally extinguished, once unkind things are said and hurtful actions are done.
Every Heir Should NOT DO the Following:
Here are some don’ts to consider as you step into the role of being an heir in order to keep peace, build collaboration, and expedite the division of the estate.
•Don't take anything or give anything away until you call in a professional and all has been valuated.
•Don't include in-laws in the division process. Immediate siblings come first and in-laws should respectively stay out of it.
•Don't take things just to take them.
•Don't take items in anticipation of what your children will want.
•Don't be a victim and be suckered into giving things to acquaintances. Give what you and your siblings agree on.
•Don't help yourself to anything in the estate without the executor's approval.
•Don't use your key to go in the house and take what you feel entitled to.
•Don't start taking things while your parents are still alive without your siblings’ or other family members' knowledge. Even if mom or dad gives it to you, always be forthright and inform the others.
•Don't do or say anything that might hurt another heir intentionally.
•Don't be part of the problem.
•Don't be impatient. This is a very tedious process fraught with emotional expectations. Everyone needs to do their best to work together.
•Don't expect to get everything you would like to have.
•Don't believe that just because it's old, it's valuable. Get the facts from a professional.
•Don't badger the executor. Certainly it may appear as if the executor is procrastinating and in some cases, they might be. Understand that this process is time consuming. The executor must wait for certain timetables and events to take place. Sometimes they have to wait for answers from other professionals and are at the mercy of someone else’s schedule. Also, each individual state has its own timetable of what has to take place and when.
•Don't be a martyr. If you want something, ask politely. No regrets or bringing it up later.
•Don't rush your decisions on what you would like to have from the estate.
•Don't break up sets if you can help it, for example, china, crystal, silver flatware, etc.
•Don't confuse sentimental value with monetary value.
Ethics and Etiquette
Following these simple rules of etiquette and ethics will help you and your family to keep the peace, love, compassion, and trust flowing throughout the process:
•The Executor should set the expectations and share the overall process with the heirs present during an initial meeting. If they cannot all be physically present due to distance, arrange a conference call. At the very least, all heirs should be emailed or sent letters detailing the process, and all documents should go out at the same time to each heir.
•Agree that everyone will do everything they can to keep the peace while being fair and honest.
•Always seek to take the “high road” in any given situation, which will make it a win-win for everyone.
•Agree that all potential treasures or unique finds discovered during the cleaning and dividing process will be fully disclosed to all heirs for determination of distribution and proper valuation appraisal.
•Understand any laws that dictate how personal property is to be handled within your state, especially if there is no will or no specific bequests associated with the will. Sometimes probate can take quite a while and in some cases, personal property division can be held up until that is sorted out.
•Be willing to forfeit an item you really wanted in order to keep the peace. (But keep it equitable -- no one should get the lion's share)
•It is best when this only involve siblings -- no in-laws, no grandchildren -- no matter how well-meaning they are. Keep it simple. The more people that are involved, the more complex become the issues.
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