the expression of anger does not have the same healing effect for them. Instead they simply create additional problems for themselves. If they consistently lash out at others in a school setting, they are called bullies. Bullies are not happy. Let me share another example which may help to illustrate this point.
Tony was an eight year old bully. He was always getting in trouble at school for teasing and tripping younger kids. At home he would go into his younger sister Kelsey’s room and take her Barbie doll and hide it in the back yard. Other times, he would take strings that had bells or forks attached to them and tie them to the cat’s tail in order to torment the poor old cat.
Once Sam, the family’s golden retriever who loved people food, had to be rushed to the animal emergency hospital because he had suddenly become deathly ill. After surgery, the veterinarian found a cactus spine in Sam’s stomach. Tony confessed that he had given the cactus spine to Sam covered in butter.
His parents were very concerned and did not know what to do. First I helped them to come up with rewards for when Tony was behaving appropriately, and use time out for when he was taking out his anger on others. Time out is a discipline technique in which the only punishment is lack of stimuli or boredom. This might mean standing or sitting in the corner for a period of five to twenty minutes without interacting with any person or object. Having his parents reinforce appropriate behavior at home, in addition to bringing him to therapy was very helpful.
Very shortly, Tony began to love coming to therapy, because here he and I had lots of toys and he could do whatever he wanted. He was free to express his anger, as long as he did not direct it at me. His favorite “toy” was my couch. He loved to throw things at it, jump on it, hit it with bats, etc. Unfortunately, he was a strong 8-year-old and I had to replace the couch when therapy ended. But therapy did end and his bullying behavior had ceased.
When Tony first came to see me his anger was a constant threat, boiling just beneath the surface. he was expressing his anger at people and animals, and his problems only snowballed. His self esteem was very low and he felt that nobody really liked him. He was ostracized on the playground because he had done so many mean things to his classmates that most of them stayed away from him out of self-protection.
In therapy he expressed his anger by directing it at inanimate objects and his life began to transform. He was now releasing his anger regularly, instead of letting it build up. Without all that repressed anger, he didn’t feel as many impulses to do mean things. He started playing appropriately with his peers, made some new friends, and began feeling much better about himself.
There was no magic in Tony’s treatment, only a free expression of his anger directed at inanimate objects. This simple method of healing works just as well for adults. Lesson number three from the children: Having an appropriate object for your wrath is essential to your recovery; acting-out on people will only take you backwards.
Another point on which we can learn from children is their natural propensity toward physical activity. The medical profession is constantly emphasizing the need for regular exercise; children are naturally active. Kids are always wiggling or running about, playing games of tag or soccer. In fact, teacher friends of mine tell me that it is not uncommon to see a young child running all around the playground during recess with no apparent direction, flapping her arms, screaming or making noises which are strange (to adult ears). If the child is questioned about this behavior, she will inevitably give a sheepish grin and say that it was nothing.
Imagine how you would feel if it were socially acceptable for you to take a break from your home or work place two or three times a day as needed, and work off your stress in a similar fashion! How cathartic that would be! Well, I don’t recommend that line of action; however, doing Anger Work can give you that same kind of release.
If you think about it from a historical perspective, it has not been long since our world was much more physically active, like our children’s world. In the past, people did more physically demanding work for a living. They spent 5-12 hours a day doing something physical, like chopping wood, harvesting fields, hand-washing the laundry or grinding grain. This type of work provided more natural opportunities for letting off steam.
Today our lives are often more sedentary. We need to be proactive in creating opportunities for exercise and include a healthy expression of anger at the same time. My young clients are almost always throwing, shooting, or hitting something during their sessions. In reading this book, you will see how often I combine physical activity with Anger Work. It is not only good for the body, but for the psyche as well.
There are other ways of doing Anger Work, but our bodies are meant to be active, not sedentary. By coupling Anger Work with physical activity we address both the psychological and physiological affects of stress. Physical activity promotes overall health and is one of the best means of doing Anger Work. Lesson number four from the children: Stay active and use your body to express yourself, especially when you’re doing Anger Work.
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