you observe in another a particular negative behaviour that you either do not possess, or do possess but have forgiven in yourself, then you would not respond with upset, but rather with non-judgemental compassion for the other person. You would simply know that their negative behaviour is caused by fear and that they are doing their best to cope with something they find difficult; their behaviour would not be perceived as an attack upon you, but as a call for your help. They would be allowed to be, and you would be happy and willing to help if asked.
If you extend forgiveness to others, you automatically extend this forgiveness to yourself, too. What you give to others – whether in love or hate – you also give to yourself. Why? Because our actions reinforce the thoughts in our mind. If we act lovingly, we are reminding and reinforcing in ourselves that we are loving. Similarly, to attack another increases the hate and therefore guilt in our mind.
The behaviours in the 'dislike' column may not apply to you in an obvious, direct way. Maybe you listed anger, yet you never get angry with the person whose name you mentioned initially, nor do you consider yourself characteristically 'angry'. But what if you do carry suppressed anger that makes you feel ashamed, and this is what you are being reminded of? Rather than directly expressing your anger back to them, you may withdraw and act remote around this person.
Perhaps you dislike a person drinking alcohol because you virtually never drink. Try to look at your thoughts and feelings when you are in the company of this person. Why does it bother you so that they drink? Are they perhaps drinking to escape from the pain in their life? Do you also seek to escape from the pain in your life but use other means, such as overeating, or excessive viewing of TV or browsing of the Internet?
Take a few minutes to look again at your ‘negative’ column on the list you made earlier.
Do you feel there is some truth in what it says about you? Our egos hate this type of exposure! We prefer to deny what is in our subconscious and project it out onto the world instead. Rather than look at ourselves, we blame everyone else: our mother, father, partner, employer, the government, this dictator, that religion, and so on. To start the process of forgiveness we need to take responsibility for what is in our own minds, and in the next chapter we will explore more fully our ego’s story of denial and projection.
In every situation in which we lose our peace, we have found a reflection of what is unhealed, what we have not forgiven ourselves for. We all walk around in a hall of mirrors, the world constantly reflecting back what is in our minds. When we are upset the world becomes a messenger, drawing our attention to what we have tried to ignore or even failed to recognise. Instead of killing the messenger, we now have an opportunity to work with forgiveness – of ourselves.
You may agree with some or all of what you’ve read so far, but may have serious reservations about whether this applies to events on the world stage such as war and genocide, murder and rape. How can we forgive such atrocities? This is an important question and will be explored more fully in the next chapter.
I will end this introduction with a letter I received from a friend; it illustrates well the fact that we don’t have to change other people to feel at peace around them.
I built up a strong hate relationship with the man who owns the town’s hardware store. I often had to go in there and found him the rudest, most overbearing rip-off merchant I'd ever met. After eight months or so, I vowed never to go there again, though it meant a lot of trouble for me. I also decided to put anyone else off going there.
One day, I urgently needed photocopying done of some children's sanctuary songs for a group the next day. Songs like ‘The more we are together’, ‘You are beautiful’, etc. Of course, he has the only photocopier in town so I went in hoping to slip down to his photocopy room and do it myself but, instead, he came with me and proceeded to do the photocopying. As he did, he got interested in the songs and asked me how they went.
I very reluctantly began to sing these very spiritual songs. He joined in, in a gorgeous baritone, rich and full. I think we sang our way through every song! This transformed everything. I didn't intend to 'forgive', we just joined, and it happened. His voice was so beautiful that I was transfixed and the ridiculousness of the situation appealed to my nature.
I adore the man now and see so many sides of him that were invisible before. Although I still end up buying three things I don't need whenever I go into his shop, I can admire the fact that he is the only thriving business in the village.
I feel so much joy when I remember this incident. I think it should be on a film. Importantly to me, he didn't change at all; he didn't have to. I wish I could do this as easily with all the other people who annoy me!
Krissy,
New Zealand
CHAPTER SUMMARY
•Facts are neutral.
•No event in the world produces the same response in everyone.
•We always choose our reactions to situations.
•What upsets us about others reflects what is unforgiven in ourselves.
∞
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