12 shillings (£133/12/-), which in 1959 was not bad bread and a whole lot better than “don’t give up your day job!” We’re off to Melbourne tomorrow and I’m going to meet a lovely girl called “Mouldy Marlene”.
THE ONE YOU MISS...
The Silver Top taxi weaved precariously through the mid-morning Melbourne traffic on our way from Essendon Airport to the Melbourne Town Hall for a lunchtime concert. We sat in the cab excitedly talking about the differences between Melbourne and Sydney, like the silly right-hand turns, the trams and the safety zones that go with them, and the really tarted-up looking girls.
“Tell us, is that Dick Richard really a poofta?” Now this is one of the standard cab driver questions along with “What’s Johnny O’Keefe really like?” and “There’s a lot of pooftas in the entertainment business, isn’t there?” Maybe we’ll get around to answering these questions for you later on, guys! Meanwhile, keep your eyes on the road! Fortunately Dig was in the cab in front and we satisfied the inquisitive cab driver with “No, he’s as normal as you and I mate!”
“Well y’never can tell with these types can yers?” he said as we bumped across the tramlines.
There was a large queue of Melbourne’s finest waiting to get into the Town Hall. Some of them screamed, “There he is, there’s Dig!” and “That must be the R’Jays!” Some of them broke away from the queue and started to chase the cabs but we turned into the back of the Town Hall and lost them. I kind of wanted them to catch us but I knew that we could easily lose some clothing or anything else they could get their sweaty little hands on for a souvenir.
We found out there were two shows to do. Supporting us were two local bands the High Marks and the Hi-Fi’s (most confusing) and Frankie Davidson who was a pretty big star in Melbourne at the time. “Hi,” said Frankie. “You guys certainly caused a bit of a stir out the front!”
“Not nearly as much as we’re going to stir up out there, Frank,” said Dig, pointing towards the stage. We did stir them up a little as well! The lunchtime concerts were always grand occasions and they became the inspiration for the so-called “live” EP Dig Richards At The Melbourne Town Hall. Well I think the applause was “live” anyway! Melbourne Town Hall is a bit like Sydney Town Hall in that the acoustics are lousy but the atmosphere is great. You certainly don’t have to use much echo there, which was lucky because we didn’t have any! Echo was a luxury in sound that was strictly reserved for the recording studio. In fact, at that time, our equipment compared to that of Melbourne bands was sadly lacking. But what we lacked in equipment and band size (The Thunderbirds was about a ten-piece band) we made up for in popularity which did tend to make those Melbourne bands a little pissed-off.
Show over, we headed off to our hotel, the London, for well-earned drinks, relaxation, food and, hopefully, SEX! Some of the girls had found out (or maybe we told them?) what hotel we were staying at and they followed us back. Hotel policy definitely did not condone girls in the rooms and in those days they enforced the rule pretty heavily. Undaunted, we led some of the girls up the fire escape and in through a window to our rooms.
“You can’t do this!” said our Melbourne tour manager Chris Diprose. “You’ll get us thrown out.” Panic, panic! “Shut up,” I said. “There’s one for you too!”
“Well get them into the room quickly before someone comes down the hall.” More panic, panic!
It’s interesting to note at this point the method we adopted for culling out the less broad-minded of the female fans. This was accomplished by a series of “party tricks” each one guaranteed to get rid of a certain percentage of guests. These were as follows:
DANCE OF THE FLAMING ARSE HOLES, which consists of sticking the local newspaper up your arse and lighting it, then dancing around the room. In some towns the local rag is a little small, which results in a burnt bottie. Deterrent value: 50% at least.
ERIC BAUME: For all of you that do not remember him, Eric Baume was a rather bad-tempered current affairs expert of the time on TV and radio who later was the Beast on Beauty And The Beast. He had thick horn-rimmed glasses and a very thick moustache. To perform the trick, all one has to do is place a pair of horn-rimmed glasses on top of one’s genitals. Preferably, one should have dark hair and be past the age of puberty. Deterrent value: 25%
W.O.W!: This one is performed by borrowing lipstick from one of the remaining guests and painting a large ‘W’ on each cheek of your arse. When you return to the room you may not be good-looking but when you bend over ...“WOW!” Deterrent Value: 25%.
The inventor of the first two tricks had all of these attributes plus the horned-rimmed specs as well! He is none other than the famous (or infamous!) John Bogie of the Joy Boys who later made an instrumental record of The Dance Of The Flames. He is the inventor of many famous party tricks, some of which we weren’t even game enough to perform, such as DOCTOR BEAUJAIS’ ANATOMY TEST and the BUM LAMPSHADE. If ever there was a lull in proceedings, Peter Baker would exclaim in a loud Shakespearian voice: “Oh for the joys of SEXUAL INTERCOURSE!” This was usually followed by a couple of nervous girls scurrying for the door while the more stout-hearted ones remained.
Sometimes the party tricks would all go wrong and ALL the fans would be horrified and leave but “that’s show biz!”
Meanwhile, back at the London, one room as usual was designated The Party Room. It’s a good idea not to let it be your room because not only do you have all the mess in the morning, but you have to take your bird, if you get one, into someone else’s room (decadent party hint No.1). Well, in the party room there were about six girls remaining. Two of them were Jackie and Marlene. Jackie came from Collingwood. I went to her place on a later trip. Marlene was given the rather unkind nickname of “Mouldy Marlene”, by one of the guys in the band. Marlene was not “mouldy” as such but more slightly tarnished ... a fallen angel. There was also one Melbourne DJ known very appropriately as “Haines the Hound”. Unwanted Disc Jockeys were noted for turning up at after-show parties. Why not? Free piss, plenty of chicks and loads of name dropping on the radio the next day. And, who knows? Maybe if they’re feeling generous, they might even play your record! The party careered on into the night with copious amounts of grog being consumed. After a while, I figured it was time to go to my room and lie down before I fell down. I was woken about 4 a.m. by a whimpering sound outside my door. It was Mouldy Marlene!
“I can’t get into any of the rooms and I can’t go home because I haven’t got any money,” she sobbed.
“Okay, I guess you better come in then, eh?” said I.
She got into bed with all her clothes on and started getting really aggro, saying, “Don’t touch me, don’t you dare touch me!” I looked meaningfully into her eyes in the half-light of the Melbourne dawn and said, “Marlene, this is my bed, in my room and if you want to stay here things better start getting a bit more pleasant!”
Well I guess that was all she needed because things started to hot up right away. From then on, every time the band came to Melbourne, Mouldy Marlene would be waiting for me at the airport. She even came to Sydney and stayed at my place for a week with another girlfriend who later married our piano player, Jay Boogie. Marlene and I enjoyed what you might call a good sexual relationship, probably my first.
As the taxi meandered its way to Essendon Airport, Peter uttered the immortal line, “You’ll all rot in Hell!” As I pondered whether or not I should have let Marlene go to sleep with all her clothes on or not, the thought came to me: “THE ONE YOU MISS ... IS THE ONE YOU’LL NEVER GET AGAIN!”
5
