for celebrating attractive women in this book, but I really couldn’t care less. If a beautiful woman, French or otherwise, smiles and thereby makes the world a slightly happier place for me – an overweight myopic diabetic 50-year-old single man with high blood pressure – she deserves to be mentioned in my book. And if she’s a waitress, to be given a decent tip.
I’ve long enjoyed the finer things in life, especially fine food and wine. In the past two or three years I’ve enjoyed sublime meals at two of the best restaurants in England. Raymond Blanc’s Le Manoir aux Quat’ Saisons (to celebrate my mother’s 80th birthday), and Heston Blumenthal’s The Fat Duck (a generous 48th birthday present from my second wife). Paul chauffeured on both occasions, so I was free to drink more than my customary single small glass of wine. I’ve kept the menus from both meals, and they’re reproduced in the appendices. Both restaurants are expensive – of course – but terrific value for money. Go if you can. You really do only live once.
Which brings me naturally on to one of the great comic writers of our times, John Mortimer, creator of the immortal Rumpole of the Bailey. At the time I’m writing this (February 2009) he had only recently died, at the age of 85. He managed to work both as a barrister and as a writer. Starting his writing at 5am may have helped. Mortimer had an admirable philosophy of life, and coined the term ‘champagne socialist’ to describe himself. Surely the only socialist ever to hold down two demanding jobs at a time. Most socialists can’t manage even one demanding job, in my limited experience. And as for 5am starts . . .
One of the great bons viveurs of his generation, Mortimer once announced, ‘I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth foregoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.’
I suggest we all take Mortimer’s philosophy on board and prize quality of life over length of life. Let’s stop trying to be immortal. Let’s celebrate our good fortune at living in Britain in the early 21st century, and having France as our closest neighbour. And let’s follow the biblical instruction – St Luke, ch.12, v.6, if my memory serves me right – to take our ease, eat, drink, and be merry.
TABLE 0.1 – THE BUSINESSMAN AND THE CHAUFFEUR
| MIKE BUCHANAN | PAUL CARRINGTON | |
| Background | Solidly middle class. Father worked in the Foreign Office. Public school, university, career with blue-chip organisations. Has run a consultancy since 1999. Author. | Solidly working class. Brought up on a houseboat in Stanground, near Peterborough. Left school at 16, worked in brickworks, the Army, security. Self-employed chauffeur since 1983. |
| Age | 50 | 57 |
| Health and physical attributes, current marital status | 5’9’’ tall, 235 lbs (107 kg). Highly unfit and averse to physical effort of any kind, hence his chauffeur, cleaner and gardener. This, combined with his fondness for good food and wine, has led to him being overweight for many years. Myopic and diabetic. Currently single, surprisingly. | 6’1’’ tall, 210 lbs (94 kg). Interested in keeping fit even after suffering several lung collapses due to emphysema. 5th Dan in the martial art Moo-duk-kwan-tang-soo-do. Six false teeth, and psoriasis on his head. Currently single, surprisingly. |
| Marital record and children | Two ex-wives (British). Two daughters, Sarah Mercedes (23) and Kerry Portia (22). | Three ex-wives (Yugoslavian, Italian, Ugandan), three children, Louise (37), James (35) and Kristien (33). |
| Personality | An introvert until the wine kicks in. Tries to respect opposing views to his, on complex issues. Invariably fails. Relishes variety and the finer things in life. | An extrovert, and highly opinionated. People call him arrogant, he prefers ‘over confident’. A creature of habit, even with respect to his choice of biscuits. |
| Politics | Right-wing except on law and order issues. | Left-wing except on law and order issues, where he’s to the right of the Taliban. Hanging is invariably ‘too good for ‘em’. |
| Daily newspaper | The Daily Telegraph. | The Express, occasionally The Sun. |
| Favourite magazine | The Economist. | Bike (a motorcycling magazine). |
| Interest in sports | Interest limited to ladies’ tennis – especially the Russian and East European players – and ladies’ beach volleyball. The latter is rarely seen in Bedford, the town being a long distance from the sea. | Very interested in many sports. |
| Interest in fine food and wine | Substantial. Drinks comme un trou (‘like a hole’) as the French say. Helps makes life under the current Labour administration a little more bearable. | None. Has rarely been known to drink more than one glass of wine in a day. |
| Leisure pursuits | Live guitar-based music, reading, comedy, travelling in France. A good guitar owner. | Live guitar-based music, exercising, motorcycling. A good guitar player. |
| Attitude towards France and the French | Lifelong admirer of France, the French, their food, wine, language and . . . well, almost everything, to be honest. | Before the first holiday: ‘I love France, but I hate the French.’ After the second: ‘I love the southern half of France, which is scenic and warm, and the French people, but I’m not a fan of French food.’ |
1
OUR FIRST WEEK WITH ANNE AND MARK PHILLIPS
I refuse to grow up, on the grounds that I might not like it!
Paul Carrington (1950- )
The rocking chair – the heroic police officer – Mercedes S-class saloons – the problem with the ferry booking – Paul gets in touch with his ‘inner child’ – When You Come to the End of Your Lollipop – Anne and Mark – the witty dentist’s receptionist – Cognac – ‘a simple cup of English breakfast tea’ – Super Mario – the problem with Hennessy’s current cellarmaster – normal cheese – the problem with French stamps – The French Helpfulness Index – window cleaning and shutter painting – the fetching waitress in Bordeaux – the helpful dentist – Louis, the flying dog – Paul spots something incredible – the divine Château Mirambeau – a judgmental waiter in Jonzac – Where do you go to my lovely? – Stanground boys and the art of bicycle borrowing – why the French are shorter than the English – funny sunflowers – Hiroshima – a tour of the Médoc wine region – Madamoiselle Toptotty and the magnificent warehouse – ‘Zey are all good vintages, monsieur’ – Château Lynch-Bages and the awful lunch – French merde, German merde – un trog, une trogette – Quasimodo – an old lady crosses the road
SATURDAY 4 AUGUST
We couldn’t fit the rocking chair into the car. We’d drawn up
