style="font-size:15px;"> •9 ~ J’O (sounds like ‘Joe’ accentuating the J hard; but I think of geography, ninth period of school)
•10 ~ Sure (or Sir, depending on the local accent) [said very quick] (sure, you’ve made it to 10)
•11 to 19 are spoken as above as: 10-1, 10-2, etc, so that 13 is 10-3 and sounds like Sure-San
•20 to 29 are spoken as above as: 2-10, 2-10~1, 2-10~2, 2-10~3, etc, so that 25 is 2-10 ~ 5 and sounds like R-Sure ~ Wu
•30 to 99 are the same format as the 20 to 29 formula, just prefix the 10 to make the 30, 40, 50, etc, and suffix that with the last digit to make 31, 42, 53, etc. So 99 is 9-10 ~ 9 and sounds like GeO-Sure ~ GeO
•100 is E-Buy (1-00), and you start all over again so that: 247 is 2-00 ~ 4-10 ~ 7 and sounds like R-Buy ~ Sir-Sure ~ Chee
Get it? I still have to work these larger numbers out in my head like algebra equations, but once you get the basics it really is quite simple, (especially compared to something like French).
You’ll be relieved to know that for communicating large sequential numbers such as your hotel room number, which might be 2303, this is given in separate digits 2-3-0-3 (R-San-Ling-San), so if you already know 0 to 10 you’re fly’n.
While we’re on the subject of language, keep an eye out for some of the really bad English translations that have been printed on Chinese signage. One of my favorites was a large sign for a restaurant that offered a kid’s menu, sold burgers, and had a license to serve alcohol: and the name over the door was, Big American Alcoholic Family Restaurant.
And because many Chinese learn their English from US movies, you’ll see a lot of slang used too, such as a clothes boutique called: Make Yourself F**king Lovely (yes, it actually exists). And I’ve seen a sign in a hospital directing people to the gynecological department: C**t Examination.
Some of these signs are so unbelievable you just have to photograph them, because who’s going to believe you otherwise?
At the Airport
The first thing you’re going to notice when you arrive at a big Chinese airport is the military efficiency of everything.
The airport personnel are polite, quiet, very efficient, and I’m pretty sure they’re being paid to smile. And one of these smiling and perfectly turned out airport officers will politely direct you through the immaculate terminal building, like she’s the zookeeper, and you’re the penguins.
The unfriendly officials sitting in their cubicles waving you forward one-by-one are the immigration officers, (even if these officers were paid to smile, I’m not sure if they’re capable of such human expression). Get your documents in order before you line up here, because these automatons are super-efficient, miss NOTHING, and they’re very intolerant of disorganized travelers. An imprecise document, an incorrect or near-expired visa, or if you look a little different to your passport photo (different glasses, different hair color, or maybe you’ve grown or shaved your beard), all these little things are noticed and receive the same intense scrutiny as a short curly hair in their won ton soup.
The immigration officials take their duties very seriously, so:
•Stand upright, facing them like a robot (it’s what they understand)
•Present your correct documentation (it’s the only thing they want from you)
•Don’t try to make eye contact (they don’t like it)
•Don’t speak (even if you speak perfect Mandarin, they won’t be listening)
•Don’t lean on their booth (you’re not in a pub, and you will make them grumpy)
•And just don’t try to be friendly (how can you be friendly with a robot?)
By the time you’ve got through immigration your luggage should be getting dizzy on the luggage belt. But before you make a quick exit into the sea of oriental faces waiting the other side of customs control, think: do you need to use the restrooms?
The airport restrooms may not be the best you’ve ever used, but believe me, they get much worse and you should take advantage of these facilities before you begin any onward journey. I’m warning you: do it now, or prepare to regret it.
Foreign Exchange
Now, get some Chinese currency.
You can usually do a currency exchange at your hotel, (if it’s a big one), but you’ve gotta get there first. So if you didn’t manage to buy some Chinese Yuan (CNY) before you travelled, you need to get some before you leave the airport. You need to find a foreign exchange office or a cash machine (ATM) in the airport and withdraw a pocketful. Sure, USDollars are recognized, but let’s face it, you’re going to get ripped off if you try using them; just pull out your plastic and get a bunch of CNY.
If one Chinese ATM doesn’t work for you, try another because some Chinese banks can be selective with which foreign credit and debit cards they decide to recognize.
A word about Chinese ATMs: they’re mostly in Mandarin text. The ones at the airport should have English and Mandarin options, but outside of the big cities don’t expect this language option. Often you can get a pretty assistant to help you if the ATM is within a bank, or what I do is just remember which line of Chinese squiggles is the one I need to select, (however your card may have been swallowed by the time you work this out for yourself).
Did you tell your bank and credit card provider that you’re going to China?
*I’ve had some of my credit cards blocked because my thoughtful card provider assumed that my wallet had been stolen. I could have been completely stuck, penniless and destitute because of the incorrect assumption of some self-righteous little pen-pusher in creditcard-land. I’m sure he meant well, but it buggered up a whole day for me.
If you’re relying on Travelers Checks, unless you’re staying at a fancy hotel that can exchange these for you, you’re going to have to visit a bank. Prepare yourself for a lot of queuing, a lot of paperwork, (and I can think of better ways to spend my afternoons).
Taxis, etc
As with many countries in the world, the humble taxi driver isn’t the most highly educated person you’ll ever meet; there are notable exceptions, but these are as rare as a real Rolex in China.
Often taxi drivers don’t come from the city where they’re working, so they’ll often need your help to find the place you want to go to. And unless you are going someplace like a well known street, or landmark, or hotel (be aware that there can be several hotels of the same name in the one city, so include the street address too), or a popular shopping district, you can very easily find yourself lost, lost, lost, (and your taxi driver demanding the fare and that you get out of his car wherever he decides to stop – if this happens it’s usually safe to ask to be taken to a big hotel, where you should be able to ask for assistance from the friendly receptionists).
Prepare yourself for a Chinese taxi ride:
•First, easiest and most professional method of explaining your destination is
