Rex said.
“I’ll bet you did.”
“That’s not all I had to do. You want to hear what else I had to do?”
“Do I have a choice?” Grant said, blowing air out of his mouth.
“I had to write her a formal letter of apology, can you believe that? Me, write an apology letter. I don’t write letters to anyone. That was a tough one. The whole list of things I had to do was crazy, even by my standards, which we know are, well, out there. I had to send her flowers for two weeks, send her a huge box of Teuscher’s truffles, the biggest box of some almond toffee I could find, and some other stuff too. Wine, Pinot Noir, I think maybe, not cheap.”
“She always liked the truffles and the toffee. I used to buy them both for her. She never gained an ounce … I still don’t believe you.”
“You keep listening, you will.”
“What else?”
“She said I had to go to church for a month, get a note from the padre each time and send it to her. She wanted a box of cigars, and I had to send a picture of me sitting on a pony,” Rex said.
“A picture of you smoking the cigars on the pony?”
“No, just sitting on the pony.”
“What else?”
“A Slip-n-Slide, a Wrist Rocket, and a Yahtzee game.”
Grant could not believe he was having this conversation. He half-wondered if it wasn’t a hallucination, an after effect of the events of earlier in the day, combined with medication.
“Anything else?”
“A bottle of Roederer Cristal, or Clicquot Grande Dame, I forget which, and some caviar. That shit’s expensive.”
Grant was starting to laugh out loud now. “What else?”
“Ice cream. Blue Bell, and Graeter’s. Goat cheese from somewhere, I forget where.”
“That’s all?”
Grant was doubled over and having trouble breathing at this point, he was laughing so hard. He was having trouble speaking, as well.
“A Kentucky ham, some really good bourbon … do I have to go on?” Rex pleaded.
“Yes….” Grant barely able to get the word out.
“I couldn’t find the case of Fizzies she asked for. I don’t think they make them anymore. Pop Rocks, or Chocodiles, I don’t think they make those either.”
“She asked you to get Pop Rocks and Chocodiles?” Grant asked, speaking louder than before.
“No, not those. I just always liked them, and since I was already on a shopping spree, I tried to find them for myself. You liked those too, as I remember.”
“Just get on with it.”
“Anyway, I think you get the overview here that there were some hurdles that needed to be cleared before she would acquiesce and even talk to me. She made me send her a goddamn hula hoop, and something called Wine Gums, which sounds more like a disease. You ever try to package a hula hoop for shipping? Do you think I deserved all that? Do you think it was really necessary for me to go through all that to get her to talk to me?” Rex asked.
“She let you off easier than I would. I’m surprised she didn’t ask you to shave your head and paint it blue.”
“It was mentioned….”
Grant was still laughing and barely able to talk. He was still not convinced that this was on the up-and-up, but for right now, at least it was starting to sound pretty funny.
“I can’t imagine why she asked for some of that stuff. It doesn’t really sound like her. She doesn’t smoke cigars, or drink, really. I do see some of it, but she—“
“Maybe all those years you two were together finally took its toll on her. She’s finally chain-smoking cigars and cannon balling the booze. She just couldn’t take it anymore.” Rex was laughing now.
“Still strange. Damn funny, but strange,” Grant was still laughing.
“The shit I do for you, and you’re still giving me grief about going silent for a few years? You are such a douche. It ain’t my fault you two broke up, so don’t keep giving me that shit.”
“You didn’t help out though, that’s for sure. Back then, I mean. Maybe this punch list now helps a little bit, but….”
“But nothing! Look, it ain’t my fault either that you gave up on law after you got out of law school and went the way you did. You had stuff on your mind and it didn’t work out, get over it, get on with it. Get over her, get on with her …. You got yourself into this mess.” Rex took a deep breath before he launched into the second part of his tirade. “Look, with all this shit, I decided to start my own thing, my own business, so I don’t have to worry about crap that somebody else is doing that could get me in trouble. Now, I get in trouble, it’s my own fault.”
“It usually is your fault,” Grant added.
“You know what I mean. Look, you seem to like working with computers, so….”
“Computers don’t intentionally screw you over.”
“Right, so that’s ok, there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I didn’t say there was.”
“No, but you have this ‘things-didn’t-work-out-like I planned’ thing about you. Hell, nobody’s stuff works out as planned. Shit happens, and you shouldn’t worry about it. When were you the happiest?’
“I don’t know.”
“Bullshit, you know the answer to that question.”
“Computers are easier to deal with than people. I did the law thing … I don’t know. I was with a firm, like you, and found the thought of just being another number was not … not—not something. I don’t know what it was, but I know what it wasn’t, and it sure wasn’t right for me. Computer work is steady. I work for some high profile companies. Only problem is, I keep thinking about getting out of the contractor racket and getting somewhere permanent, but every time someone wants me on staff permanently, it doesn’t work out for some reason or another. Things are always good, just don’t last as long as I would like,” Grant said, looking out towards the exit to the bar.
“Sort of like all the meaningful events in your life, eh, chief? Look, I want you to at least think a little more about still doing your own thing, but maybe doing it with me and….”
“And what?”
“Just think about it, that’s all I’m asking. Think about getting off the corporate teat, strike out on your own. You could do it with me.” Rex said.
“Strike out?”
“Poor
