important to realize that there is no such thing as a great relationship ending because of one single thing. For example, did your relationship end because you were caught cheating on your partner? Then know your cheating didn't end the relationship - there were reasons why you allowed yourself to cheat and it is those reasons that ended the relationship - possibly amongst many other reasons too. In this example, the cheating was merely the final straw that broke the camel's back but up until that point there were other straws that were weighing the relationship down.
The writing is always visible on the wall prior to a relationship breakdown. Sometimes it is visible to both partners for a long time prior to the eventual break while other times it is only visible to one partner. But in nearly all cases the writing becomes clearly visible once the relationship ends. For example, it is common for partners who have been cheated on to say, "I knew it, I knew something was wrong for months, but I just couldn't pinpoint it, but now it's all so clear..." before elaborating on all the events that made the fact their partner was having an affair actually quite obvious.
Let's use the issue of one partner having an affair to illustrate the kinds of points - straws - that you may write down as reasons why things went wrong and he or she left you:
I stopped giving her my attention months ago and was spending way too much time at the bar with my buddies.
I've been flirting with other women right in front of her; she probably thought I was cheating too
I let myself get too stressed about money and took it out on her, instead of working with her to get through our problems
She kept saying she wanted kids and the clock was ticking, and I kept joking "you better look elsewhere, because I don't"
I used to give her flowers every Wednesday, then I just stopped
There's no need to continue with this example list as by now you should be able to see that whatever reason you can think of you should write down. It doesn't matter if it's right or wrong - if it comes to mind, write it down. This exercise is about helping you get your head straight by allowing all the reasons that are in your head about what could possibly have harmed your relationship to come out right now in a controlled and private environment. It is far better to blurt out what isn't accurate, or even what is, privately than it is to blurt it out to your ex without thinking through the ramifications first. By brainstorming this list now, you'll be starting the process of coming to terms with the reality behind what caused your situation, even if your list doesn't exactly clarify it just yet.
If you get stuck, ask yourself questions like: "What did I do that she didn't like?" or "What can I think of that I shouldn't have done?" or "What could I have done better?" or "Is there anything I can remember that she asked of me that I ignored?" Then write down your answers.
The truth is in your list
Remember, the key to creating your list of possible reasons that contributed to ruin your relationship is to ignore blaming anyone in favor of just being honest about the many things that you (or they) did that worked against rather than for a healthy relationship. If you're honest, and if you've written everything down that comes to mind, then your list should be filled with a number of things that you said or did - or didn't say or didn't do - that may have added up as straws to break the camel's back. Remind yourself that it's never one thing that ends a relationship; it is always many things compounded. The "one thing" you think caused your breakup is usually just the final straw.
For this reason, the list you now hold in your hands is extremely important to the future of your relationship with your ex. The items you've brainstormed may each have contributed to your ex leaving you. Sure, some of the items on this list may have little or no bearing on your ex's decision to leave but the mere fact that you included them on the list is an indication that you feel they may have. For this reason they are important because, as you will see later, restoring your relationship is of no value if you are unable to prevent yourself from walking down the same path again and ruining it once and for all.
Review everything on your list. Don't critique any item, or cross any item off just yet. Just review it. As you do, be sure to write down any additional thoughts or items that come to mind. Keep doing this until you feel your list is extensive and covers everything that may have worked to sour what you had with your ex.
What should you have done?
Here's the truth: most relationships end without the truth as to why it ended being discussed openly between both partners. In all likelihood, your ex has walked out on you without having communicated his or her true feelings about why they're walking out. If they did communicate a reason, it was probably easier just to tell you about the "final straw" than it was to tell you all of the reasons that really forced their hand, many of which may now be on the list before you.
Did you know that it is also common for partners to do something bad so that they can get out of a relationship easier than if they had to own up to the many reasons why they wanted to leave in the first place? Many people will cheat on their partners and allow themselves to be caught as the easy way out. It's much easier to do that than to criticize someone's personal qualities directly. Both men and women do this often, sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously.
We started the process of writing down these reasons not to lay blame but to help bring clarity to your mind about the causes behind what pushed your ex away. Your ex will probably never tell you the truth if the reason they left relates to your personal qualities and this is especially the case if your relationship was special and loving. As ironic as it is, sometimes it is easier to hurt someone by doing something that you know they won't like than by telling them that they are doing many things that you don't like.
Remind yourself right now that the real reasons your relationship ended are probably on your list. Even if this is incorrect - even if the real reasons are completely unrelated to you or you have failed to pinpoint them - there's no other way you can find out what they are right at this moment. All you can do, for now, is to move forward on the basis that it will be helpful to find out what things you could have said and done better in the past so that you can do so in the future. If the things on your list did contribute to harming your relationship, they won't again. If they didn't, then they won't harm any future relationship you establish, whether it is with your ex or someone else entirely.
You can't change the past; whatever in the past sent your ex packing is now completely out of your control. It's done and there's no going back; there's only going forward and the first step to going forward constructively is to identify not what happened in the past that you had control over but what should have happened that you have control over.
To do this, take a fresh piece of a paper and draw two columns. In the first column, write the first thing from your list into it. In the second column, write down what you think you should have said or done differently.
For example, let's look at the first item from our previous example list:
What went wrong
I stopped giving her my attention months ago and was spending way too much time at the bar with my buddies.
What should have happened
I should have given her my complete devotion. If I was at the bar with my friends she should have been with me. If not, it should have been rare. I should have made it clear that she was more important to me than drinks, bars, or even my friends. I should have shown more interest in being with her than being anywhere without her. I should have made her feel special.
Now,
