we realize it or not, elders are our teachers. They do not have to be standing in front of a classroom or writing best-selling books to teach us. They teach us with their daily lives, with their courage, and with their perseverance. They even teach us when we see them handling something in ways that cause them pain, and we vow to never handle things that way if we were to find ourselves in similar circumstances. Lou became highly debilitated during her advanced age and bemoaned the fact that she could do very little. Her daughter, after seeing what Lou had struggled with, vowed to join a gym and to maximize her physical ability as long as possible. Ted felt terrible that his dad had limited options for help and where he could live as he reached the age of 90. Because of his dad’s experience, Ted faithfully set aside money just for his personal care in old age, should he need it.
Elders are not only our teachers, they are still learning as well. Even people with significant cognitive impairment are continuing to grow and learn. As foundationally spiritual beings, we continue to have the potential to grow spiritually every day we are on earth.
One of the most amazing examples of growth comes from Kathryn who was 103 years old. An Assisted Living resident, Kathryn often had trouble sleeping at night. Janelle was one of the caregivers that often worked with Kathryn in the middle of the night. Janelle would bring Kathryn cocoa and gently rub her back. She and Kathryn got to be very good friends. During their time together Kathryn became a mentor to Janelle and helped her figure out what to do in order to help her son, who at the time was failing in school. They laughed and talked and often prayed together.
A few weeks before her death, Kathryn confided to others what the relationship with Janelle had meant to her. Janelle was a black woman and Kathryn confided that she had lived her entire 103 years believing she hated black people – until she became friends with Janelle. Kathryn said, “I have been prejudiced my whole life about black people and now I know how wrong I was. I have prayed and asked God to forgive me. As soon as I did, I felt lighter than I have in years. My spirit soared in ways I didn’t know were possible. My relationship with Janelle has truly changed my life.”
Kathryn’s family had no idea of the spiritual growth she was experiencing, or the way that Kathryn’s wisdom had been able to help Janelle. At Kathryn’s funeral, the family bemoaned the fact that Kathryn had had to live to such an old age and had become so frail – nothing like her former self. Like so many people, her family had not realized that, even at an advanced age, a person is still capable of the type of remarkable personal and spiritual growth and ongoing contribution that Kathryn had enjoyed in the last year of her life.
That kind of growth is not uncommon as people review their lives and the choices they have made and try to make sense of all of it. This is one of the opportunities of later life! Just because a person is frail or having cognitive difficulty, does not mean that important and valuable things are not happening in their lives.
The elders in our society have been our parents, teachers, soldiers, nurses, shopkeepers, hair stylists, pastors, executives, and leaders to name but a few! The value of their collective wisdom is astonishing! They have used their lives to serve us and make our lives better. While they may not have always been perfect, as none of us have, they have stayed the course, doing the best they can, helping us, and growing us either directly or indirectly in the process.
Elders deserve to be treated with respect and dignity – to be treated the way we would want to be treated if we were in their place. They have a right to be encouraged and supported in ways that allow them to FULLY live out their lives, making the most of every year, every moment that they have on earth. Regardless of their physical or cognitive infirmity, elders are continuing to both contribute wisdom in some form and to grow spiritually every day they are privileged to live.
When we work to target the Resiliency Potential in elders, we affirm that their life has meaning and purpose and work to preserve that. At the same time, as we adopt the Resiliency Potential within ourselves, we begin to see the value in finding new solutions to challenges elders are facing, and to be positive possibility thinkers, ourselves.
Elders Are Still the Same Person on the Inside!
Regardless of their age, frailty, or cognitive impairment, older adults remain the same person inside. They simply may be unable to fully express who they are in the same ways that they used to do. We have to be paying attention.
There is a mistaken idea that when a person starts experiencing memory loss or confusion, the person they have previously been is gone. That simply is not true. They are still the same person you have known. They are simply having difficulty organizing their thoughts, expressing what they want, or remembering what they intended to do or say.
Have you ever taken a test in a difficult subject you didn’t really understand? Organizing your thoughts and trying to express yourself was a significant challenge. You probably felt at least a little sense of panic at the time. You realized you were having trouble. You couldn’t pull everything together. However, you were still YOU. You still cared. You just couldn’t figure it out. That experience is somewhat like the difficulty most people with dementia experience.
Have you ever found yourself temporarily disabled and discovered that your friends didn’t include you or you weren’t able to participate in the usual gatherings? When group activities were centered around physical activities such as hikes, big shopping outings, attending major sporting events, or going dancing, your friends didn’t invite you because it would be too hard for you to do, and you felt very left out. But, you were still YOU! They were still your friends. You simply couldn’t do what you were used to doing with them, and their lives went on without you. That is similar to the experience elders have when they become frail or infirm. They are still themselves on the inside. It is hurtful to them to be unable to engage in those things that in the past have offered both enjoyment and companionship.
Have you ever been part of a group gathering where people largely ignored you? Maybe they interacted with each other, but for some reason they almost acted as if you were part of the furniture. There was a part of you that may have wanted to cry out, “Hey, come talk to me. I’m here. I’m interesting. I’m of value.” That is the same feeling many elders experience as others talk about them as if they weren’t there, ignore them and simply do tasks around them, talk down to them using condescending language, or act as if dealing with them were too much trouble.
Elders do have value. They deserve to be treated as someone who matters. This includes enabling them to fully live out their lives in a setting that, as much as possible, mirrors a normal, independent life, even if there are some protective measures built into the environment. When elders are treated as if they continue to have something to contribute and their life continues to have meaning and purpose, they respond by staying more engaged with life. They are better able to retain social and verbal skills, and to problem solve when life presents challenges. When surrounded by people and circumstances that are encouraging their Resiliency Potential, elders are much more likely to continue to thrive.
A Person Not a Patient
Have you ever been a patient in a hospital? Or have you ever visited a medical office where no one really knew you? Have you experienced being in a situation where others told you what you had to do and made decisions about your life without explaining their
