at my reflection in the mirror I think they have succeeded.
My mind feels like a broken crystal glass thrown onto a grey concrete floor. I am afraid the government is going to build a legal case against me and brain farm me locked away in a dungeon.
I think the government will want to put me on trial for the Enron scandal if it falls. I know that the government is trying to frame me for a crime I did not physically touch to commit. I think framing me for a crime is the only way the government can hold me in Florida; unless they believe I am insane; and then who wants to be around crazy people.
The last ten weeks have been very hard on me; and I no longer want to listen to the voices in my head telling me to work longer hours for the government.
In the beginning I wanted be like Napoleon Hill in nineteen forties; when he lived in the basement of the White House. I have quietly trained myself for years waiting for the opportunity to recreate history emulating how Napoleon Hill advised the generals and President on how to invade countries and build economies; and in doing so personally help orchestrate control of huge parts of the world.
I want to leave the covert spy job behind me in Florida. I am sure the government led by a jealous Dick Cheney has replaced me with one of their own people like Mr. Rove.
Besides government agents did not smoke marijuana all the time like me. Like I spoke out loud many times; “who would ever believe a pot head is helping the President run the USA”?
I feel psychologically triggered by pressure of shadow running the country; deep inside my brain; and this massive pressure is constantly pushing me to the edge of my abilities in my brain.
I have to get out of Florida and away from the government covert manipulations. I am speaking to Sean and he agreed to pack some of my belongings into a storage locker when I leave Florida.
Sean tried to talk me into staying at his house; and I declined Sean’s invitation because I know the government has bugged Sean’s home. I am too afraid of the government C.I.A knock program that never pays cash for my services.
I hear the doorbell ring and I answer the door for Sean.
I look up and I can see Kathy has tracked me down; and when Kathy looked at me; she had love in her eyes.
I stepped outside of the house; and into Kathy’s open arms.
I have shot my mouth off too often pointing out the security failures of the country; and now my mind is at war with the military hawks and Secret Service and C.I.A knock program; and Dick Cheney’s special team of the NSA.
Suddenly I remembered all of the love that Kathy and I have shared together. Kathy’s familiar perfume smells so good to me.
I tell Kathy that this is my last night in Florida.
Kathy grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. Kathy asked me; what is wrong with you; why are you leaving me?
I pulled Kathy closer into my arms as tears rolled down my face. I told Kathy that she would not understand; I could see Kathy is trying to be patient with me.
Kathy and I went for a walk around the block with heavy hearts; and tears rolling down our faces.
My heart was overflowing with lost love. I kept holding Kathy’s hand while I pulled her firm body closer to mine. We would stop from time to time gazing into each other’s eyes; and then look at the brilliant stars that cascade across the universe.
I am deeply in love with Kathy; and I am afraid the government will hurt her if I do not obey the voices sent to me through digital software signals in my head.
I wish I never got involved with the government because the President feels like a brother I never had; and Don Rumsfeld is like father to me; and now I must leave the country. We were all seamlessly standing back to back facing the world at one time or another.
Kathy held me in such a special way. Kathy loves me deep inside her heart; and I could feel her love cast into words as she caressed my face. Kathy wanted to know why I have not called her; all I could do was cry into Kathy’s shoulder.
We kept praying together crying into each other's shoulder most of the night. I love this beautiful Italian lady and she loves me.
Kathy’s emotions are all mixed up. Kathy knows I am leaving tomorrow; deep inside my soul I can feel the sharp pain tearing Kathy’s heart apart. Kathy told me she dreamt we will get married and have a baby together. I know I am holding someone that I really love; and the love being ripped apart feels painful deep inside my soul.
I quietly tell myself over and over; I will never let the government hurt Kathy.
Kathy looked beautiful in a white tight fitting dress under the moonlight; and that night I wished she was my wife. The time was late into the evening; soon I will have to leave the woman I love behind.
I hated the government for not acting to help me financially during my finacial crisis; making me leave Florida; and the woman I love.
When I worked for the government; in my mind I made sure that the government never connected me with Kathy; and only now the government can see me walking with my beautiful lady.
Kathy had to work early the next day; and I could feel our painful separation coming closer. Like small grains of white sand falling through a tiny hour glass; Kathy and I are running out of time with each other.
Kathy and I kiss each other for the last time; feeling the kiss that ignited flames of passion to last a lifetime. I promised myself that I would protect Kathy from the government; and never contact her again.
I am afraid to show anyone any love; because I know the government will only hurt the things I love; and use the pain I feel in my heart as a weapon against me.
One day vengeance will be mine.
The only way I have protected my friends is by never showing the government voices in my head I love any of my friends. I love Kathy; and leaving her behind is the only way I can protect her from the government.
I walk Kathy over to her new yellow mustang convertible; and I could feel more tears rolling down my face. We were both shaking and crying as we kissed each other good bye.
As I watched Kathy drive out of my life I knew Kathy has my heart; and I feel the cold empty dark hole appear deep inside of my chest. Tears of misery cover my face; and these drops of salty water fueled my thoughts of revenge and hatred toward the government.
I fell to my knees and I cried into my hands; what have I done to myself?
I keep telling the voices in my head I hate the government for making me do this to myself.
Deep inside of my heart; I just wanted to keep working and stay in Florida. More than anything I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Kathy and my old brown cat.
I feel like the government has crushed my life by not helping me financially; I could feel my eyes getting wilder as the anger overflowed out of my brain into my soul. I vowed to myself that one day I return in another program as “President Fantasy Spy”.
