passages, an original and two rewrites. Then we will discuss them.
Original Version
The company’s Recycling Implementation Committee has designed a survey to find out how we recycle and where we can improve. Recycling is one of the major issues we face today. The survey is due back to the committee by the end of the month.
First Rewrite
The Recycling Implementation Committee has decided the best way to recycle at this company is to find out how we recycle already. Once we have responses from all the offices, we can better determine how recycling will help you. We need your answers by the end of the month.
Second Rewrite
To determine the best recycling program for your office, we need to know what you want to do and what works in your office already. This survey from the Recycling Implementation Committee will be used to learn what works now and what you think will work in the future. Let us have your ideas by the end of the month.
The first version, typical of many memos, is about the company’s Recycling Implementation Committee. It reads as if it were written by a member of the committee who wants people to know what his or her committee is doing. It adopts a complete writer point of view.
Compare the original to the first rewrite. The first rewrite is about the committee’s decision on the best way to recycle. It moves closer to a reader point of view. Instead of being about just the committee, it is about something the committee has done to affect the reader.
So a close analysis will demonstrate point view–reader or writer or somewhere in between. However, there is a faster way to determine point of view, one that will work quickly for you at work. Let’s look again at the first two passages to identify the personal words. Those are the words, usually pronouns, which refer specifically to a person.
In the original version, all the personal words are “we,” an indication of total writer point of view. The first rewrite includes “we” several times but also contains “you,” a reader point of view word.
Now we have a quick way to measure the point of view in any passage of writing. Count the personal words.
Writer point of view words: I, we, us, me, mine, our, and the rest of the pronouns referring to the writer.
Reader point of view words: you, your, yourself. Language has a lot more words for “me” than for “you.” Another excellent reader point of view word is the reader’s name.
With this method for measuring point of view, let’s look at the second rewrite. Count the personal words.
Reader point of view: 5, your, you, your, you, your.
Writer point of view: 2, we, us.
The content of the second rewrite matches the reader point of view of the personal words. It is not about the committee or a committee decision. It is about recycling for the reader. Note also, how the first personal word in the final rewrite is “you.”
Having mastered this simple method for determining point of view, take a look at your own work. Count the personal words. Most people have only one or two “you” words in a one-page memo. For most people, the first personal word is an “I” word. There is no rule on what to do. Use the results of your measurement to determine how close you are to the point of view you want to achieve. When you add more “you” words, you’ll also see a shift in content, away from your needs and toward the reader’s needs. People will like your writing if it is about their needs. Nothing is more important that you. Cole Porter, I think, says it best:
Like the drip, drip, drip of the raindrop, when the summer shower is through
A voice within me keeps repeating you, You, YOU.
Night and day, you are the one,
Only you beneath the moon and under the sun.
Practicing Point of View
Here are some passages written from the writer point of view. Rewrite them so that they show the reader point of view. (Samples of possible responses are in Appendix I.)
1. So that we can speed up the order, we need all the information listed on the accompanying form.
2. Our services are state of the art. Our response time is the fastest in the business. We have the largest amount of stock available. And we have more locations than any of our competitors.
3. Payroll checks will now come out on the first and the third Friday instead of the second and fourth, beginning next month. Consequently, the series will include one one-week pay period rather than a three-week pay period. Those with individual questions can ask their office managers.
4. I think the project is going well. The other department managers have approved most of the recommendations in your memo. I don’t know if you got the schedule at the meeting last month, but the project will probably be completed by the deadline.
From the General to the Specific
From time to time, you will find yourself wrestling with several points to make about one subject. A useful rule to follow is “from the general to the specific.” Make the main point first, then back it up with specifics. Here is an example:
“Our department is working too many overtime hours. Last month, the staff totaled 102 overtime hours. That is a 10 percent increase over the previous month.”
Helpful with Numbers
Notice how the writer states the conclusion for the reader. Figures then support the conclusion. While not all specific statements in memos use figures, much information in work writing is conveyed by numbers. When you use numbers, especially if you have a complex array of figures, make a general statement before you introduce them.
A common place for going from the general to the specific is when you are writing an example. In the first sentence of a paragraph, clearly state a conclusion you can support by facts. Then use figures, quotes or eyewitness accounts to illustrate the first sentence. The LEB123S format (Chapter Three) follows the general to specific rule.
The following passages illustrate the general-to-the-specific rule. The general statements are underlined. The first example is simple. Others become more complex.
Our department is the most productive in the company. We were the only department to achieve all of our strategic goals last year.
People who eat a light lunch perform better than those who eat a heavy meal at noon, according to Dr. Angus Craig of the University of Sussex.
Dr. Craig, speaking at an American Medical Association sponsored conference, reported that alertness and efficiency reach a low ebb about two hours after one begins eating lunch.
If you write anything—a letter, a memo, a pamphlet, a company brochure, a report—never underestimate the power of anecdotes. If you come upon one in your preliminary research, don’t just
