hard but aren’t necessarily successful. It’s not just about hard work; it’s also about working smart. Teachers, for example, can work really hard but aren’t necessarily recognized for their efforts. But, if a teacher develops her skills, learns from her mistakes, moves forward, and keeps improving, she may end up being recognized as Teacher of the Year. That teacher worked smart.
Interestingly, once you are successful at something, you tend to breed success, seeing it return to you again. For example, in 2011, we were mired in a pretty rough recession. My clients in Newport Beach felt the effects of the bad economy, but because they’re very gifted professionally, they adapted to the changes, moved forward, and continued to be successful.
As long as what you are pursuing is realistic, you can do it. However, if you want to achieve something outside the probable, such as become an Olympic athlete when you are past your prime and lack coordination, for example, this may not be feasible. Achieving something like this is possible, but you need more than hard work and earnestness. You also need the right physical attributes, special talents, and special circumstances. Since there’s a limited pool of people with the right combination of these factors, not everyone can achieve something specific like this.
But any of us can achieve general accomplishments, such as financial success, as long as we can adapt, learn, and grow. We can be very successful in many things in life as long as we apply this method. Any of us can be good at something if we apply the same skills of success.
When we pursue things like money, fame, success, or prestige, we are actually pursuing the deepest level of happiness. We all just want to be happy. That is the truth. Unfortunately, when we get on this path toward success, we think that if we reach our goals we’ll be happy. But reaching these end goals doesn’t automatically make us happy. When we reach our goals, we might say, “Wow! That actually didn’t make me as happy as I thought. Everyone loves me, I have a lot of money, but I’m not truly happy.”
We must remember that anything we can achieve can be taken away, even if we’re fantastically successful and a multi-billionaire. Our achievements are inherently impermanent, and this threat of losing them always lurks. Life brings change. When change hits, we often suffer. If we want to be happy, we have to be very earnest about success and we have to work very hard. We must also be honest and be flexible. For example, if we run a business and it collapses or doesn’t make us any money or doesn’t bring us joy, we must take appropriate action—close it down and move on to something else. Only then will we be truly happy.
Unfortunately, when it comes to happiness, we often delude ourselves through addiction. We think what we are aiming for—money, fame, love, whatever—is our key to happiness. But once we achieve it and the intensity of happiness quickly wears off, we then think we need more of the same to get that feeling back. We keep going, looking for that high, saying, “I’m happy when I’m on my drug, so don’t take my drug away.” But since it can be taken away, obviously addictions don’t work, and they cause us suffering.
Let me offer a different example. Perhaps we say to ourselves, “Right now, I really like what I’m doing. I’m in a loving relationship, and I have a couple of great kids. But sometimes I have these intense fears that kick in. I get very afraid when I hear stories about divorce, people losing their jobs, or someone’s kids getting sick or being in a serious accident.” If there is a threat to what we have right now, then ultimately we’re really not completely happy. True contentment must be unconditional and available 100 percent of the time for us to be truly happy. If our happiness depends upon certain circumstances, then it’s not really a true, lasting happiness.
Here’s an example you can probably understand. Many years ago when my children were very young, three children were killed in a car accident in Orange County. After the accident, moms in the area were fearful because of what had happened, imagining losing their kids like that. It was such a dark, scary thing, and they suffered in thinking about what could happen. Even though their own children were very happy and doing well, just the fear of such a tragic incident caused the mothers unhappiness.
We must be honest when these bumps in life come, and we must deal with them, address them, feel them, and heal. Are we ultimately in a constant state of happiness? If we answer no, then this is where earnestness comes in. We must keep learning tools and skills that help us maintain and improve our constant state of happiness. It is possible for life to go very, very well, but it takes work. As long as we’re not turning towards addictions, then we can find this constant state of happiness with earnestness. In turning towards addictions, people delude themselves into thinking they’re happy when they’re really not. We have to be honest, and addictions don’t allow us to be honest. When we’re truly feeling what we feel and we’re honest, then we’re going to keep working on finding ways to be in a regular state of happiness.
If we are rich or famous but unhappy, then we’ll probably not enjoy life, even though outwardly we may seem successful. We must realize that we should strive to be happy now, even though we are still on our journey toward whatever we may be pursuing; the end result of our journey must not be the factor in our happiness. I believe any of us can have a very happy life right now. It takes work and honesty, but it’s worth the effort.
Chapter Four
Waking Up at Princeton: It’s Not Always the Degree You Get That Makes You Smart
Many years ago, when I was working toward my first master’s degree at Princeton, I had an experience that changed my life and put me on a new path on how to live. I had accomplished much at Princeton: I was graduating with honors, I had won many awards for my research work, and I had been accepted into one of the top PhD clinical psychology programs in the United States. All seemed to be going well. But . . .
On a beautiful spring day, one of my last at Princeton, I decided to go to a park and just hang out for a few hours. The day was pristine, and I lay on my back on the grass, just gazing up at the sky and the trees. This moment spent lying on the lawn was the most beautiful experience I’d had during my entire stay at Princeton.
But the enjoyment turned bittersweet as I realized that, although I had been at the university for almost three years, I had never done this and I had missed out on just being: being present and enjoying nature and my surroundings. I had been so busy achieving that I had never paused to enjoy the simple wonders of the campus. It was a very sad experience for me but one that pushed me forward and helped me to start changing the way I lived my life. Of course, I didn’t undergo an overnight change, but I did begin to slow down and enjoy the journey. Besides achieving, I started enjoying the process of moving forward, growing, and just being. I began to appreciate nature and life as it happens right here, right now.
When I moved to California upon graduating from Princeton, I discovered beautiful hiking trails, and I found many people in my doctoral program that would join me on different days for long walks. I was truly committed to take the time to enjoy life, instead of only focusing on achieving. And I wasn’t alone. When I started exploring the trails, I probably had about ten people from my doctoral program who would hike with me at different times, on different days. It was so beautiful hiking on the hills and the mountains. Yet at the end of the program, I couldn’t find one fellow student who had the time to go hiking anymore. Instead, I had to find other people who would join me; these people had obviously learned to enjoy the journey of life.
One of the key factors of happiness is that we do need to enjoy the journey, no matter what is happening in our lives. If we are on that achievement track, if we are trying to make money, earn a degree, achieve fame, etc., we still need to enjoy life along the way. It isn’t that it is wrong to achieve, but it’s wrong to miss out on life as we achieve. The path of achievement-driven gratification leads to a very empty, sad life.
Take pleasure in life, get out, be with friends, and embrace nature.
