I bought myself some rope, because, I guess, I wanted to see, you know … ’
‘By yourself?’
‘Yes.’
‘Why by yourself? I thought it was with a guy.’
‘Wait. I just wanted to try it first and see how it was. Listen: it didn’t stay that way, being alone.’
‘Okay.’
‘I was lying on the floor in front of the mirror in my bedroom, actually just right over there, and I tied one of my wrists to my ankles and I put the rope – this miniature brown hairy ball of twine that people probably bought for their little cats – I put it underneath me. I mean, I put it under my ass. And I had to touch myself, it was the feeling, that fraying twine on my skin, how I couldn’t move normally. I was locked like that with that texture all over me … ’
‘Yeah?’
‘I wrapped my whole chest. I did it so my tits pushed nearly back to my chin. I pulled up the twine up between my legs … My back was arching, these sounds were coming out of my lips and I held the ends of the rope down on either side of me and I started thrusting my chest in the air, feeling the rope go up into my pussy and my breasts fucking jiggling and I couldn’t move my legs, all right?’
‘Yeah?’
‘And he walked in on me!’
‘Who?’
‘The guy I was seeing.’
‘Who was it?’
‘I’m not going to tell you his name … ’
‘That’s not what I meant.’
‘I was in love in with him.’
‘Oh.’
‘And he started yelling at me: What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? I saw his face. He looked like he was going to hit me.’
‘He did?’
‘My eyes squeezed shut.’
‘He hit you?’
‘He was so mad at me.’
‘I could never hit a woman. Never. Absolutely fucking never. I don’t care what she was doing.’
‘I felt his breath over me, these rapid huffs. And I thought for sure he was gonna hit me and I just stayed there, god, I couldn’t move away. I was trying to stop from even breathing … But when I opened my eyes, I just opened them in a blurry slit, I saw that he was in my underwear drawer looking for something. Then he came back to me, down at my legs, he was crouching right at me, where the biggest knot was. He had my camera, my clit was pulsing so fast … ’
‘So he didn’t hit you. Thank god.’
‘He took pictures of me. He took all these pictures while freaking out and sweating and unwinding the rope and throwing it twisted all over my body!’ She was shaking. Her arms were strangled so tight around her chest that her tits came up near her chin. She ripped the plaid blanket off herself.
‘I hated him right then. I told him: Fucking tie me tie me tie me back up! I tried to relax my eyes, look him straight in his face, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t.’
‘He sounds like a violent asshole! I’m not surprised. Why were you in love with him?’
‘No, you don’t understand. I crunched my teeth together until tears came down my cheeks … I wanted that feeling, I wanted that strangling … And it was like he finally heard me, like he was finally paying attention to me the way that I wanted. It was amazing, I swear, he started doing it. He was taking the rope from my stomach and winding at my ankles. He lifted my legs up and wrapped my thighs tight. He coiled my stomach with the rope and it burned. Then he yanked up my wrists and slapped my face.’
‘Holy fuck. Who raised this guy?’
‘He was the kind of guy who never said what he meant.’
‘But he’d hit you before, hadn’t he?’
‘No … No, he only did that once, the last time. Fuck, I don’t want to tell you any more.’
‘Why?’
‘Because you hate him. It’s clear. And I get it. But, I mean, you don’t know how I felt … ’
‘Why do girls like you always go for the guys who treat you like shit?’
‘I couldn’t help it.’
‘Because you were “in love” with him, right?’
‘Please. Stop.’
‘Why are you shaking?’
‘I didn’t tell you what he did with the pictures.’
‘Let me guess. He blackmailed you.’
‘Blindfolded.’
‘Brilliant!’
‘I started to hallucinate. It was like the space under my eyes got white. It was like being outside, like a river was rushing close by and I felt something squirming up against my back, as if I was lying in the gunk of the earth. The ropes were still burning my gut but I felt something cold and curling, like it was trying to get up under me. Like it wanted food. Like a million tiny snakes were moving toward my thighs. It got sharp there, underneath me, like their mouths were open, like all their tiny teeth were starting to bite me and it was all focused at my cunt. They wanted the skin and juice of me. I was arching my back, trying to shake the pain off my skin, but I was squeezing my thighs, squeezing inside, trying to not let them go in, but I kept getting wetter and wetter, they were slipping inside me, the million tiny snakes … I was going to come. I was on the verge of the biggest come of my life. ‘
‘And what happened?’
‘I heard stomping downstairs. It broke me. I mean, I couldn’t see. And there were people downstairs banging at my door! A bunch of them pounding up the flight of stairs, my front door was fucking open and I heard them running down my hallway and there I was, I was blindfolded, tied up, flat on the floor, squeezing my thighs – god, I couldn’t help it, I couldn’t help it!’
‘Hey, you’re okay now. You’ve already said the worst.’
‘No no no! I haven’t! He was laughing, they were all laughing at me like that. There were at least four guys in my room. I heard him coming over to me. He was whispering to the other ones, watching me there. I was cold everywhere, I wanted it to stop.’
‘Why didn’t you just say that?’
‘Because I was too in it. Can’t you see that I was in it?’
‘In what? I don’t fucking understand.’
‘The guy stroked my hair. I thought it was his fingers. I couldn’t see. He
