well as your own name or that an orange is an orange…say it to yourself, ‘An orange is an orange. I know the lines. Go on say it.’ ‘An orange is an orange, I know the lines.’ There. ‘And thank your lucky stars you didn’t have that prawn sandwich.’
2
PHYLLIS
A SHORT HISTORY OF THE TOWPATH
Phyllis (68) is sitting on a seat by the towpath of the canal in Nottingham. Night. She has two carrier bags.
PHYLLIS: Oooooo…oooooo…I’m being spooky now...can you tell? Ooooooo. I’m a bit pissed as well, I’m not denying it, a bit ratarsed. I love it like this…this fine mist…all the streetlamps and that… and that water look…it’s like it’s been polished and buffed. I were nearly in it earlier. About an hour ago. I was in a mess with mi bags, and it threw me off kilter. I couldn’t get both handles at once, and I went to grab the second handle, and lost mi footing. I thought ‘Here we go again.’ I were in last year. A fisherman pulled me out, and as he pulled me out mi knickers got pulled over mi head. I couldn’t see where I was, mi head was in mi knickers. It was very nice of him to pull me out though cos I can’t swim. Anyway I was heading back in tonight cos mi leg wasn’t working when I went to grab mi bag, and this hand, it came out of nowhere and pulled me back, and there was this young man standing there, and he asked me if I was alright, and I said ‘Fine’ and he said ‘Can I walk you home?’ and I said ‘Could you walk me to the next bridge?’ and he said in a very educated voice ‘Of course I’ll walk you to the next bridge’ cos he thought that was where I lived and I couldn’t tell him I didn’t live anywhere really, could I?
He set off much too fast. I said, ‘What’s yer name?’ and he said, ‘Robin.’ And I said, ‘Is that Robin…Rob…Robbie or Sir?’ And he said, ‘Anything you like except Sir’ and I said ‘Alright Robin, Rob, or Robbie, I’m very pleased to meet you but you’re walking at scout’s pace, aren’t yer?’ And he said, ‘What?’ And I said, ‘One, two, three, four…’ …and I was trying to imitate him, and I almost fell in again cos mi leg wasn’t working again, and he pulled me back on to the path, and asked if I was alright, and I said ‘It’s no good if you walk at scout’s pace’ and he said ‘Sorry, I’ll walk a bit slower’ and I said ‘You’re educated aren’t you Robin, Rob or Robbie?’ and he said ‘Yes’ and I said, ‘I can tell, but you mustn’t walk so fast’ and he said ‘Right.’
We got to the next bridge and he said ‘Is this it?’ And I said, ‘No, it’s the next one’ and then I said ‘I’ve been drinking’ and he laughed and I said ‘Why are you laughing?’ and he said ‘What have you been drinking?’ and I laughed and said ‘What haven’t I been drinking? I’ve had lager, I’ve had whiskey, I’ve had white wine, I’ve had vodka, but that’s not the reason I’m unsteady on mi pins…no that was this fella as hit me…well he hit me on the chin…I didn’t mind that cos I could see it coming…it was fair and square, do you know what I mean…but then he kicked me on the leg, and I thought that was sneaky…you couldn’t see it coming down there, and it hurts. Well mi chin hurts…but I’m not inconvenienced by that…whereas the leg is an inconvenience, especially when you’re near the edge and your bags are giving you trouble…’
You see that line…I must tell you this…that line…well do you know I was sitting here by the canal one night…not on this seat, the next one down, and I’d only had three glasses of white wine and this girl walked past, and I said to her, ‘What’s that hill?’ And she said ‘What hill?’ And I said, ‘That hill.’ I said, ‘I’ve lived by the canal all my life, and that’s never been there before.’ And do you know what it was? It was a factory, and they’d painted the roof green, and I thought it were a hill. I did feel a fool. But I don’t know…if you half shut your eyes even now…in the mist…
Robin, Rob or Robbie and I got to the next bridge, and he said ‘Is it this one?’ and I said, ‘No, it’s the next one.’
I have…I’ve lived by the canal all my life. I lived with my grandma and I used to say to her could I go and swim in the canal, and she would say ‘No, it’s dangerous’ and I would say ‘It’s alright…I’ll take my water-wings’ and I would jump in. We loved the water…there were four of us girls, and we loved the water. None of us could swim, but we all had water-wings. And do you know what there was at the bottom of Grandma’s garden? There was a barrel factory. And we would borrow the barrels and fill them with water, and you’ll never guess what we put in next… you know Daz…we put in whole packets of Daz…and then we’d get the step ladder out the house, the step ladder that were used for papering and that, and we’d climb the ladder, and jump into the barrels, and the Daz would make that much froth it would shoot up round us in great plumes like ostrich feathers in the wind. I can’t tell you how we laughed…and then we’d take the barrels back to the factory. Next to the factory were the mine… it were still there then…it’s gone now…a coal-mine just down there, and when the men came up to the surface, do you know what we did…they’d take their clothes off and we’d cover them all over with the red mud that came off the banks of the canal, and then they’d dive in, and as the mud came off, all the coal dust came off as well, and they’d come out shining and clean.
We got to the fourth bridge and I said to Robin, Rob or Robbie ‘This is my bridge now, thank you very much’ and then I said ‘Do you know something?’ and he said ‘What?’ and I said ‘You’re a real gentleman. Do you know how I know that?’ And he said ‘How?’ And I said ‘Cos as we’ve walked along, you’ve steered me round all the puddles, and my shoes are all dry…and you’ve walked through all the puddles, and your shoes are all wet. I live just here…I’ll be fine now…bless you Robin, Rob or Robbie, and I mean that. Night.’
I went a few yards and tucked myself into a nook of the bridge, tried to hold mi breath…waited there a minute and came back. I could just see him…Robin, Rob or Robbie…I didn’t want to disappoint him…could just see him, the back of him…striding back up the towpath…double scout’s pace if you ask me…
3
EDWINA
I was researching Life After Scandal when I met Edwina Currie. Matthew Parris had already told me that you couldn’t meet her without being impressed by her sharp intellect and insight. I phoned her up and she said, ‘Alright, I’ll meet you at the Atrium next Tuesday at twelve o’clock…it’s opposite the Houses of Parliament. I’m on air at two o’clock but that should give us two hours. I’ll talk about salmonella, but I’m not going to talk about John Major. I’ll leave you to do the booking.’
The Atrium has something of a Spanish holiday resort about it…a lot of pot plants, light filtering down through a glass roof…and we sat on a raised balcony above the main body of the restaurant, which would have been a swimming pool if it was a hotel. I was there in plenty of time, with my red book…I use large red A4 size notebooks and rapid-flow pens…very rapid flow when you have someone as articulate as Edwina Currie to interview…and a glass of fizzy water. I was the only person in the restaurant.
Edwina arrived exactly on time; and as it turned out talked only about John Major. I was impressed by her…and I thought but for circumstance she would and should have played a more significant role in public life. She would be much better employed sorting out social problems in inner cities than appearing on Celebrity Wife Swap.
THE POISONED CHALICE
