relationship and when or if they leave, why they sometimes return. These are questions I have also asked myself a multitude of times. I can only say that Wayne exerted a form of brainwashing on me which caused me to believe that staying was the best and only option available to me at the time. Coupled with that belief were my natural introversion, naivety, social anxiety and shyness around others, all of which left me vulnerable to an unscrupulous man with mental problems of his own. While I chose to remain, he also chose to continue abusing me, and regardless of whether I stayed or left, nothing mitigates or excuses his reprehensible behaviour.
I have written this book using my actual diary entries to document exactly what occurred as it happened rather than relate my story wholly as a narrative. I hope this format will help make my experiences as real as possible while providing the reader with a clearer picture of what constituted daily life for me and for, I am sure, many others, both now and then. Note that these entries, in particular the early ones, are written with some degree of immaturity, despite my being twenty-four in 1985. Yet, they are indicative of my mental and social development at the time which I regard as slightly backward compared to my peers inasmuch as my innocence and naivety made me less capable of detecting people with dubious intentions.
At the time of the first diary entries, I was sharing a unit with my friend Narene with whom I attended university in Alka Springs. We were in the third and last year of our Bachelor degrees and both of us intended to pursue post-graduate studies the following year. At the time I met Wayne, I was seeing a kind man called Michael. With plummeting self-esteem and little self-confidence, I was hitting a low point which prevented me from seeing Michael’s worth. My state of mind left me open to Wayne’s ‘charms’. When we first met, he acted as though I was the most interesting and attractive female he’d talked to in a long time. This was balm to my bruised sense of self. His attentiveness made him stand out from others and despite misgivings I allowed him into my life. He became integral to alleviating my loneliness and the feeling I had of being a misfit in society. His constant talking dispelled fears that I was boring and unable to carry a conversation. I didn’t have to contribute too much while he held the floor, and this suited me just fine.
As our relationship progressed, Wayne withdrew his conversation while similarly isolating me from others, resulting in more time spent alone with him. Sustained togetherness did not result in our getting to know each other. Rather, Wayne used this time to belittle me relentlessly or he’d refuse to converse with me for days. This was so different to his initial ‘romancing’ and the constant attention he had given me that it exacerbated my confusion and lack of belief in my ability to attract and hold someone’s interest.
I can’t explain why I allowed his abuse to continue when I had never been the subject of anything similar in the past. I had never been a ‘doormat’ before but, somehow, I slipped into that role almost as soon as the relationship began. Wayne’s behaviour was, even then, unacceptable. I railed against it whenever it occurred yet couldn’t drag myself out of the strange inertia I felt when he abused me. I was simultaneously angry with him and detached from his behaviour. It was as if I were split in two. I wanted to leave the first time his violence expressed itself yet another part of me blamed myself for his actions. I became incredibly determined to fix him and create the relationship I imagined we could have. After some years of marriage, I knew that my imagined relationship would never materialise. It then became a matter of surviving each day with mind, body and soul intact.
1985
Friday 21st June
Narene and I went to the Republic Hotel. Wayne, Ian, (friend of Wayne’s) Narene and I were by the bar. I went and sat at a table and Wayne came over and raved to me. He said he’d wanted to ‘crack onto me’ (this phrase was part of the vernacular of the young in 1985) at the Mentals concert. When he said that, I vaguely remembered on that night a thin dark looking guy standing at the fringes of our group, staring at me. Narene, Wayne and I danced then he was supposed to come over our place but Michael (on again off again boyfriend), Narene and I went to Impies (Imperial Hotel) and I didn’t see Wayne again that night.
Friday 16th August
Narene and I went to the Flye Inn then as we were walking to Impies we ran into Julian (friend of Wayne’s) and Wayne and they followed us to Impies. Wayne sat beside me at the bar and raved on again about how he wanted to go out with me, that he was attracted to me and didn’t know why and he asked what my ‘scene with Michael was’. He then said he’d wait until ‘I sorted my head out’ and then pursue me.
Wednesday 28th August
I went to bed at midnight and Wayne turned up but I only talked to him through my bedroom window. He later said he knew from that moment on that I didn’t want him otherwise I would have just invited him into my bedroom then. He said he wouldn’t try again.
I remember while writing this entry originally that on that night I was annoyed by Wayne’s presence at the unit every day and the fact that he was never giving notice prior to visiting. # I was also annoyed that Wayne had assumed that he could come to my bedroom window whenever he pleased and I would welcome him in as though his was normal behaviour. Not inviting him in that night shows that my instinct about Wayne (his persona had lately felt a little ‘off’) was working properly at the time. However, the more he pursued me with his declarations of love and adoration, the more my ability to be objective and see through him, disappeared. I can’t believe that I fell for his ‘romancing’ which was essentially a form of stalking. Knowing that I let him into my life makes me feel disgusted and angry with myself for being so gullible and accepting of behaviours that initially had aggravated me.
Tuesday 10th September
Narene and I went up to the uni (University of Alka Springs) bistro on her moped. Wayne was there and came over and said that he only came over our place now because Bob (a friend of Wayne’s) wanted him to. He told me that he couldn’t come over as a friend anymore because he couldn’t accept being with me when he knew that I didn’t want to take things further. He then got really angry and uptight and left. # ‘So, we can’t even be friends,’ I thought.
His wanting and expecting exclusive commitment from me so soon after he’d met me is a crucial warning sign. It was all or nothing with him. He did not have the patience to watch our friendship perhaps develop romantically and was often frustrated and annoyed that I was not moving emotionally at the same pace that he was. Or should I say I was not tolerating nor accepting of his control as rapidly as he would have liked me to.
Monday 14th October
Narene told me Bob is trying to match-make Wayne with me as he’s rapt in me. Wayne had told him at the Flye Inn that he was in love with me.
When I heard this, I thought that maybe I could give Wayne a chance. I was doomed not to have anyone else (this was my pathetic thinking at that time). Michael must have had a new girlfriend as I never saw him out at night and Bill (another man who had previously expressed a desire to further our friendship) was neatly tucked away with his new girlfriend. And now Narene, my best friend, had Bob. I felt so strongly that I was alone and left out and that feeling made me a little desperate.
Tuesday 15th October
Wayne turned up tonight and we watched a movie but he kept trying to talk over the dialogue saying ‘This is boring. I came over to talk not sit staring at the TV.’ He left at 10, halfway through the movie. Later in bed I had a horrible dream about black magic and Wayne brutally murdering these people and also trying to kill Nareen and myself in our flat. I woke feeling depressed from the dream and remained depressed the following day. I remember feeling low because of the sense I got from the dream that Wayne could be capable of violence even though he had not openly exhibited such tendencies. Despite that feeling I still examined what of my behaviours caused him to leave suddenly last night.
