He asked us to sit and, walking behind his desk, pulled an airmail letter from a drawer. He was still standing and, while he leaned on his desk with one hand, he slapped the letter against his trouser leg with an action that fanned up a few flakes of ash.
‘They’re just not playing the game — they’ve thrown this right back in our faces. We were looking for some good faith and they gave us nothing!’ He shook with passion. ‘Nothing!’
He threw the letter down onto the desk and fell back into his chair. One by one we read the letter. Stockley passed it to me like it was a hot potato.
Seymour had said, ‘Seven-and-a-half? They can do better than that. Let’s ask for fifteen; maybe we’ll get ten.’
‘We feel,’ the letter said, ‘our initial offer was more than fair. We made this offer in order that you would sign quickly. Please reconsider and get back to us as soon as possible.’
‘Maybe the offer is fair, Seymour,’ I said. ‘Do you know what is standard?’
Seymour had lit another pipe and smoke was streaming from his nostrils. Everyone looked at the smoke-enshrouded lawyer for a reply to this reasonable question. He tapped the mouthpiece of his pipe against his cheek:
‘Don’t be tricked by their letter,’ he said. ‘I deal with contracts all the time. All this means is that we were a little high on our fifteen. You know they can’t say, ‘Well, we thought that fifteen was a little high. Why don’t you ask us for ten and we might go for eight or even nine. This is a standard tactic. We’ll just hit them a little lower next time, that’s all.’ Seymour thumped his pipe down in his ashtray like a gavel as if to say, Case closed.
But Kerryn contemptuously said: ‘But you just said they weren’t playing the game.’
‘Oh, they’re playing a game alright! They call it hardball. These are top-flight people. Savvy … and ruthless.’
‘I’m worried,’ said Brod. ‘I’m worried we’re gonna blow ’em off.’
‘You have to trust me,’ said Seymour. ‘This is the way it’s played. You can’t let them roll over you now — if you do they’ll have you for breakfast later on.’
But Brod came back, ‘Do you mind if we step outside for a couple of minutes? I think we ought to talk between ourselves.’
Seymour couldn’t stop us from doing that and we walked a block away from his office, to a pub. We sat in a semicircle around the bar. When we got our beer we began.
‘Ring Billy — all we have to do is find out what’s fair. It’s obvious Seymour doesn’t know.’
‘He should have gone lower to begin with.’
‘Yeah. They might have given us nine.’
‘It’s too late now.’
‘This being in limbo is killing us — we’ve got to get out soon or it will be too late, no matter what percentage Seymour can get.’
‘Yeah. Let’s take the seven-and-a-half and run.’
‘Seven-and-a-half of something is better than fifteen percent of nothing.’
‘God! You’re wise, Stockley,’ I said.
Kerryn brought the meeting to conclusion, ‘Let’s up and down these beers and give the good news to Seymour.’
‘Man, he’s gonna love this.’
Brod knocked on Seymour’s door. The room was clear of smoke. I think he knew what we were about to say. Brod spoke, ‘We’ve decided to sign now. We’ve got to get over there soon or we won’t have anything left for America.’
‘Very well.’ Seymour was disgruntled. ‘That’s fair enough, I suppose.’
He picked up his pipe and started to fill it.
‘But there is something else.’
He put the filled pipe on top of a box of matches and handed out five xeroxed copies of page five of the contracts. As we read them he lit up, and spoke between draughts of air:
‘The second … sentence in para … graph three.’
The flames from the pipe, dimly visible through the smoke, shot six inches above the bowl when Seymour released his sucking pressure. When he was sucking, I thought, those flames must be blasting right on his tongue. As he spoke I tried to get a glimpse of it, but the light streaming in from behind, and the smoke, made it difficult to see anything. I imagined that he had a kind of asbestos sheath that he slid over his tongue, and this gave me a mild case of the giggles as I was apparently reading the contract.
‘This wouldn’t be so funny, John,’ said Seymour, ‘if you understood what it was that was being said. That line means you have to pay back any advances they give you — whether or not you make it. Do you know what that means? You’re going to be paying them back for the rest of your lives — unless, of course, you’re phenomenally successful.’
We carefully read the clause. To me, and everyone but Seymour, it seemed to mean the opposite. It said that advanced money was non-returnable royalty — it should be paid back only if we made money on the contract. But Seymour insisted that it said we had to pay back no matter what. ‘Here, you read it.’
Subject to ARTISTS fully performing all of ARTIST’s respective obligations pursuant to this Agreement, and all of the ARTIST’s warranties and undertakings hereunder, COMPANY agrees to make to ARTIST the following non-returnable advances against royalties:
He picked up his pipe. It had been smouldering in the ashtray. The small amount of time it had lay there allowed the tar to settle in the bowl and soak up into the remaining tobacco. The smoke produced was ten times more acrid. As he fired it up we winced in anticipation of another burn.
‘The percentage is okay … but you can’t … go with … this … they will screw you royally … mark … my words.’
‘But it doesn’t say that, Seymour,’ I said. The others nodded in agreement. ‘It says non-returnable — non-returnable, right?’
‘Yes. But look at the words before it. ‘Subject to artist fully performing … That’s badly defined. They can say you didn’t fully perform and make you pay back everything. You can’t trust them.’
‘But it …’
‘Now, look. Would I tell you how to play guitar? You hired me to interpret contracts for you. That is what I do.’
He tapped his pipe on the ashtray and slowly cleaned it out.
‘I’ll tell you what we’ll do. I know a Queen’s Counsel. I’ll take it to him and get an opinion. Fair enough?’
We supposed so. We should have said no at every step, but each time it seemed to be just another two weeks on a very crucial point. We walked out into the world of plaintiffs and defendants.
‘I dunno,’ said Stockley. ‘I agree with you, John. But we’ve waited this long already. And it is a pretty important
