Writing up these interviews and going back through the printed materials gave me a chance to walk my own walk, talk my own talk about “the ache for connection.” All my films have changed me. This one has been no different. It has taught me how much I had to learn about my own subject. It has sent me on errands of penance and reminded me of my own snares of pride. When penance has been offered to me, I have struggled to practice a deeper humility. And now, more than ever, I try to be alert to “the rumor of angels” that so often goes unnoticed in our own lives.
My hope for the book, Forgiveness:A Time to Love and a Time to Hate, is to inform but not dictate, to raise questions but not answer them. If this encounter results in a radical rethinking of what one understood about forgiveness, I will have succeeded.
Helen Whitney, January 3, 2011
INTRODUCTION: THE CHANGING FACE OF FORGIVENESS
Director Helen Whitney
Forgiveness is not something in the other world that we are looking for—it is an experience in this world, an experience of healing broken relations without which we cannot live. It is that fundamental. — Monsignor Lorenzo Albacete
Forgiveness is elusive, mysterious yet primal; it is both an idea and an ache. The giving or withholding of it touches us at the most profound level of our being. Over the last two hundred years it acquired the aura of a uniquely religious word, but forgiveness is now changing and there is no consensus about what it is or what it is becoming
For centuries, forgiveness has been expressed in prayer and meditation. Though the religious practices vary, it is embedded in all sacred texts. “All religions have some kind of structured forgiveness mechanisms that are rooted in fundamental existential concerns,” says theologian and Roman Catholic priest Monsignor Lorenzo Albacete.
Muslims pray five times a day asking for forgiveness. During the month of Ramadan there is a ceremony called the Night of Power, when they stay awake praying for forgiveness so that the scroll of their actions is cleansed of their sins.
The Day of Atonement, the most important Jewish holiday, is centered on forgiveness and repentance. Judaism teaches that if one causes harm to another but then genuinely apologizes and attempts to right that harm, then the wronged person should offer forgiveness. “We believe that just as only God can forgive sins against God,” explains Chief Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, “so only human beings can forgive sins against human beings.”
By its long attachment to the Catholic sacrament of penance, forgiveness has become synonymous with a hushed and privately whispered exchange between priest and sinner. “With all its faults, you go into a secret little room with a curtain and a screen that separates you from the confessor,” says Monsignor Albacete, who explains that we may or may not know who the confessor is. But that really doesn’t matter. “The confessor is just there as a representative, an envoy of the transcendent presence from whom you want the possibility or experience of forgiveness.”
For Christians, Christ’s final words on the cross asking God to forgive those who crucified him, are the defining text. In God’s eyes, nothing is beyond forgiveness and it is available to all without limitation. In that same light, while recognizing that forgiveness is not always easy, it is something that each Christian strives for.
“God says, behold, I make all things new—not patched, not repaired, but new. And I think that’s what forgiveness does.” Kathy Power was a sixties anti-war activist who lived undercover for twenty years while being on the Ten Most Wanted Fugitives list for the murder of a policeman. Eventually she turned herself in, knowing that she would have to atone for her actions. During her time in jail she had an epiphany. “I was sitting in my cell when suddenly these words came to me: ‘Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.’ I realized I could never forgive myself until I was also able to forgive the people I opposed.”
For the Amish community, who immediately and absolutely forgave the man who shot ten of their children, killing five of them, forgiveness is uncompromising, complete, and unconditional. Such unquestioning forgiveness reflects their ability to, “forgive the perpetrator without having to forgive the act,” as one Amish woman explains. “When I saw the bodies of the little girls it just made me real mad, but mad at the evil, not at the shooter.” For the Amish, forgiveness comes from God. It is an order, a commandment, and unambiguous. It is absolute and not of this world.
What has changed is that forgiveness is no longer the confine of religion but is in the air as never before. It is ubiquitous: it has left the church confessional and the pulpit, it is in the fractious streets and on the psychoanalyst’s couch, it drives the restorative justice movement, it is the subject of scholarly conferences, and it fills the self-help bookshelves. Forgiveness-is-good-for-your health has become the new mantra for a burgeoning field of research, while twelve-step programs around the world incorporate forgiveness as an essential guiding principle for recovery.
Reconciliation, a close relative of forgiveness, is at the heart of truth commissions across Latin America and Africa. It is part of an emotional dialogue between blacks and whites, rich and poor, amputees and their assailants. Far-flung tribal cultures are turning to forgiveness rites and rituals to heal their communities. In Eastern Europe, forgiveness has provoked intense debate among those who collaborated and those who resisted, among those who informed and those who felt betrayed. It has entered the human rights debate about torture, atrocities and genocide.
These contemporary settings for forgiveness present startlingly new realms for transformation and reconciliation, but at the same time, inescapably, they present complexities and problems. As we broaden the range of forgiveness do we deepen or cheapen its power? What does its ubiquity say about us, and the times we live in? Questions are now being asked not only about the power of forgiveness but also its limitations and, in rare instances, its danger.
Traditionally, one of the therapist’s roles was to relieve the patient of his neurotic guilt. But in this new forgiving environment is there a risk of robbing the patient of an appropriate sense of sin and authentic existential guilt? Are there times when forgiveness might be in conflict with other values, such as self-respect, self-defense, or allegiance to the moral order? Are there special classes of victims, like abused children or battered wives, where forgiveness could be harmful? Are women so socialized to forgive that they can be considered a danger to themselves? Are victims of atrocities being asked to forgive prematurely, fostering a culture of impunity within their nations?
In the last decade, millions of dollars have been spent on forgiveness research. Provocative new studies suggest it could be good for our health. Fascinating questions are being asked about whether forgiveness is an imperative of biology or even of evolutionary survival. Are we hardwired for forgiveness—and revenge—as some scientists suggest?
And yet, with all this attention on forgiveness as it enters the mainstream, it appears there is little agreement about what it is. For instance, there are profound differences within the religious traditions: Many Christians believe that forgiveness should be bestowed as a free gift without any pre-conditions, while Jews believe that it should be contingent on sincere repentance and, if possible, restitution and reparation. And outside of religious differences, individual experiences of forgiveness are varied, frequently contradictory, and often fiercely contested.
For some, forgiveness means being healed of the hurt and emotional burdens of their past. “Forgiveness means I don’t have to carry around this huge weight, this concrete ball of painful, awful suffering and rage,” believes Deb Long, who has forgiven her husband for
