dabbed her eyes with a tissue and took a deep breath. “Did you talk to the family?”
“His son was here with a friend. I talked to them. They were not surprised. They understood how very sick he was. They knew that his ice was very thin for skating.”
She felt the acute pain that a son feels with the loss of a father. She wondered what Edward would say if he knew she had given the last medication. She wished that the doctors had dealt with the problem without including her. She was used to her patients getting better, getting healed. Not dying. And not like that.
“I don’t want to be a nurse any more,” she moaned.
“You don’t have to be. At least not for tonight.” He reached to take her hand then decided against it. He spoke softly. “Tomorrow, you will get up and talk to your Jesus, then come on duty and help many more patients. Hundreds more. You will lose some. But you will help many. Many.”
“I’m so tired,” she said.
“Go home. Have a beer. Smoke a cigar.”
“I wish I could,” she said. “Thank you, Dr. Soysal. I’m very grateful. You’ve been very kind.” She stood up and reached for her cloak, hoping to regain her composure. They walked out of the conference roome together. She was already putting her long cloak around her shoulders. She was gathering her identity with it, retreating into her studied persona.
“Oh, and by the way, do not tell your old boyfriend about the medication you gave. There is no need to discuss that. I’ll talk to the family about what we did and why.”
She spun around sharply. “How did you know about…?”
“I am amazing, eh?’’ and he laughed his wicked laugh. “Go home,” he said with great tenderness. “You will be a great nurse. But only if you agree to go home, have a glass of beer and smoke a cigar.”
She laughed through her tears. He reached out and took her hand in both of his.
“If you don’t learn to care for yourself, you won’t make it, no matter how much you know.” He released her hand and turned to go.
She felt very young and very old all at once. He was right and she knew it. How severely she had distanced herself from the emotions that death and loss had summoned. How well knowledge and skill had protected her from the depths of feeling that she dreaded. She started to speak but he held up his hand.
“I will see you tomorrow,” he said. “But only after you see your Jesus,” and he turned and strode down the hall.
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