greatest of the Pharaohs. You’ll find him on every list of really important people.
Thutmose III died in 1447 B.C. in the fifty-fourth year of his reign, or the thirty-second counting from the death of Hatshepsut. None of his obelisks, inscribed with whopping big lies about his seventeen campaigns, remained in Egypt. They were picked up as souvenirs and carried to distant lands. One of them, known as Cleopatra’s Needle, although it has nothing to do with Cleopatra and never had, is now in Central Park, New York City, where it causes passers-by to pause for a moment in the day’s rush and inquire: “What the hell is that?” It is called Cleopatra’s Needle because the world is full of people who think up those things. If you ask me, it always will be.20
1 Pronounced Hȧ-chĕp’sŭt.
2 Or, if you prefer, Thothmes, Tahutmes, Tahutimes, or Dhutmes. Or Thuthmose, Thothmoses, Tothmoses, Thuthmoses, Tethmoses, or anything within reason.
3 Pronounced Chumley.
4 She wanted to be the boss whether anyone loved her or not. Some people are like that.
5 Egyptologists who examined the mummy of Thutmose II almost 3,500 years after his death say that he was not a well man. He looked awful.
6 His skull was pentagonoid in shape. His face was small, narrow, elliptical, and hopeless.
7 He is now in the Cairo Museum.
8 Wazmose and Amenmose had died in infancy. So had Neferubity.
9 Pharaohs wore artificial beards symbolical of artificial wisdom.
10 Manetho places Ahmose I in the Seventeenth Dynasty. Now that is just silly.
11 When they started to argue, something was bound to give, and it wasn’t Hatshepsut.
12 Hatshepsut’s Prime Minister was Hapuseneb, a bald-headed old fellow with a wen on the end of his nose. He died poor.
13 He also raised at Karnak two pink granite obelisks, one of which did not fall down, though it was always slightly askew.
14 Like so many great women, Hatshepsut was a garden fanatic. Always asking for slips.
15 Khesyt wood is a special kind of wood obtained from the Khesyt tree.
16 Senmut did not go to Punt.
17 A friend suggests that when Hatshepsut heard of the birth of Thutmose IV she just gave up. An enchanting theory, but the dates are against it.
18 One of Senmut’s statues is in Chicago. Another, now at Cairo, was discovered by two English ladies, Miss Benson and Miss Gourlay, of all people, while poking around in the Temple of Mut.
19 But finally the money gave out. Nobody knows where it went.
20 In the reign of Amenhotep IV, or Ikhnaton, the Hittites grew so strong that the Egyptian Empire fell apart. I forget, at the moment, what became of the Hittites.
PART II
ANCIENT GREEKS AND WORSE
Pericles Alexander the Great Hannibal Cleopatra Nero
PERICLES
PERICLES WAS the greatest statesman of ancient Greece. He ruled Athens for more than thirty years in its most glorious period, from 461 B.C. to 429 B.C. Or, rather, the people ruled, for Athens was a democracy. At least, that’s what Pericles said it was. He only told them what to do.1
Pericles was called the Olympian because of his wisdom and eloquence. He was also called Squill Head, or Cone Head, because his head resembled a squill, or sea onion, a cone-shaped vegetable found in those parts. The Greek comedians made many jests about the unusual shape of Pericles’ head. He was the only statesman they had ever seen with his hat off.2
Through his mother, Agariste, Pericles belonged to the Alcmæonidæ, a rich and aristocratic family which had already produced a number of statesmen. The Alcmæonidæ were suspected of betraying Athens to the Persians, and several of them had been caught at bribery and corruption. But they had managed to live most of it down, as the other Athenians were too busy living things down to give their full attention to anyone else.
Agariste’s uncle, Clisthenes the Reformer, was famous for bribing the Delphic Oracle. He even attempted to reform the Laws of Solon, so you can see how bright he was. Solon was one of the Seven Wise Men of Greece and a national hero. He had legalized brothels in Athens.
Xanthippus, the father of Pericles, was one of the three important statesmen of his day. The others were Aristides the Just and Themistocles. They all won lasting renown by constantly accusing one another of peculation and fraud3 and calling names at election time.4 Eventually, they were banished from Athens as public nuisances, leaving the field to Pericles, who was to excel them all in the arts of leadership.5
Pericles was the people’s friend.6 He was so fond of the people that he paid them to go to the Assembly and vote, and they were so fond of him that they elected him year after year. You can’t say Pericles bought them up, for how could he help it if they always voted for him? Pericles was rather close with his money in other respects. He seldom had a new suit, but nothing was too good for the citizens of Athens, whom he paid out of the public treasury.
As democracy means government by the people, the Athenians would gather on the Pnyx7 and govern. Pericles would deliver an oration, and then the Athenians would yell and shout and second the motion and make treaties and declare war, and Pericles would add a few little touches to make it more binding. If it was still unconstitutional, he would fix that, too. He reduced the power of the Council of the Areopagus, a group of feeble old men who held their jobs for life and whose duty it was to declare everything null and void. He let them tend the sacred olive trees on the Acropolis.8
Pericles also paid the jurymen, who were chosen by lot and served in bunches of 401, 501, or more. As the average Athenian citizen was not awfully bright, it was necessary to have a great many of them on each jury.9 Those who wished to serve drew black and white beans from a large pot, and if they drew a white bean they went right to work. They did not have to prove that they were completely ignorant before they were accepted as jurymen. That was taken for granted.
Most of the minor Athenian officials were chosen by lot. The ten Generals and the Superintendent of Finance, however, were elected. You could hardly choose them by lot, since peculiar abilities are needed for handling a lot of money.10 The job does not sound like much fun, as you can’t have any of the money yourself, but maybe you get over that, or something.
One notable proof of Pericles’ genius was his management of the Delian League, or Confederacy of Delos, which had been organized in 477 B.C. to protect
