story arises in a new situation.
Story: “I am working so hard and I am actually making really good money now, but I just don’t have time for myself to do the things that I want to do.”
1 What are you feeling?“I am feeling frustrated, annoyed, confused and maybe even angry.”
2 What is the belief attached to these feelings?“I have to work hard in order to get ahead in life and that means I must sacrifice the things I love.”
3 Is this belief true?“No.”
These examples are straight out of my own life, stories with unconscious beliefs that cycled beneath the surface creating more of the same experiences for me. For the purpose of deeper understanding I will explain the beliefs around these stories a little more.
“I should be further ahead in my life at this age with a solid career, family and money in the bank.”
Society tells us that we should go to school, then go to University, then get a job, get married, have children and live behind a white picket fence in order to be considered “successful.” In white South African culture, working as a waitress was a job you did when you were in school or in your early twenties and not something that you were still doing later in life. It was a “stepping-stone” that you used to earn money while preparing yourself for your future career. At almost 37 years old, I had a conversation with my partner about what I had been interested in studying when I was younger and it was only then that I enrolled in a Diploma in Counselling and embarked on my chosen career path. I also believed that I had to have children at least in my early to mid-thirties and by this stage I should be completely self-sufficient financially. The proverbial “dream life.” So, are these beliefs true? No, we do not all fit into a square, some of us are circles, triangles, stars and all manner of different shapes and sizes.
“I was told that I shouldn’t bother because I am going to fail anyway.”
This one is a beauty! The story that goes with this is of me as a young girl, in my bedroom and studying. My father, (not biological, but also the perpetrator of my sexual abuse) opens my bedroom door and asks me what I am doing. I tell him that I am studying for my exams, to which he replies, “Don’t bother, you are going to fail anyway.” True? Hell no! I did not do well at school, but I hated it and I hated life and most of the people around me. I hated myself and was trying to cope with the myriad of things going on inside of me related to the layers of trauma that I had experienced. School was not at all at the forefront of my consciousness, somehow coping with my anger and pain was. Drinking, smoking and taking drugs numbed me from it all and I would much rather have been stoned or in a drunken haze than sitting in a classroom that bored me anyway. This belief held me back all the way until I was almost 37. I danced and was really good at it, I could have taken it further, but why bother I was going to fail anyway. I studied hair and makeup and was really good at it, I could have taken it further, but why bother I was going to fail anyway. When I did try and I did fail, it confirmed what he had said and I gave up, reinforcing that belief and locking it in place.
Nobody taught me that it was okay to fail, that it was okay to make mistakes and to know when that happened it was simply life guiding you to do something differently. So, when I failed, I gave up. Is that belief true? Again, absolutely not.
“I have to work hard in order to get ahead in life and that means I must sacrifice the things I love.”
This one was a gift from my Mom (love you Mom, you are amazing!). My Mom lived through her own horrendous trauma, she too was not guided or held through these experiences and so how was she to know how to do the same? My Mom has had an extraordinary journey and I love and respect her so very much. She has made her mistakes in life, but I know that she did the best she could with what she knew at those times. I know too that she would love to go back and change some things, but all occurred as it should. My life journey has been precisely what it had to in order for me to finally step up and do the work that I am doing in the world now. My Mom left an orphanage at fifteen I think it was and went out into the world. Throughout her life she worked, and she worked hard. She was determined to have more than enough money to give to her children everything that she never had and so she worked and worked and amassed her fortune gifting us more than we needed in clothes and toys. Yet this came at a cost. She sacrificed time with us, eventually spending her weeknights living in the city so she could get up early for gym and get to work early, finishing late at night, and it was this time in my life where the sexual abuse would begin. There is an extra layer to this belief though which is attached to my old money story, and that is that money does not buy happiness. Is that belief true, Yes. Except there is an added extra to it, “money is evil and actually causes unhappiness (abuse) and because of this I do not want it.”
As we explore our stories through these questions we can shift through layers and layers of beliefs until we come to the core and we can replace them with new stories. You see, we become so attached to our stories of the past that we create our future in alignment with all that we have been through. Yet those stories are in the past, and we get to choose what we create for our future. We can change our story to transform our future. I once walked in the world as a victim, then I changed my story to a survivor, and I held onto that one for a long time. Then I changed it once more to a Warrior Woman, not one who needs to fight but one who leads the way steadfast in her strength and prowess. It is the survivor who needs to fight to protect all that she has become as she transcends victimhood.
The Warrior knows and in the knowing comes an inner peace that does not require justification, the Warrior learns when to speak and when to let be. The Warrior walks in awareness, present to the mysteries of life, listening to the guidance within her Heart and the calling of the Ancient One’s. She is connected to the Earth Mother and hears her song. The Warrior stands open to the skies as he connects to the Stars, Moon and Sun. The Warrior is the Dreamer, the Dancer of Life and the Hearts beating drum. The Warrior knows, the Warrior is One.
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