two bungling stoners called Cheech and Chong. In fact, if memory serves, we were watching Things Are Tough All Over. These two buffoons really were hilarious, and we roared for the next hour-and-a-half. I don’t want to sound too sentimental, but it was a bonding experience for Dad (a World War II B-24 tail gunner) and me (a struggling college student) over a movie whose unifying theme was…drug use, of all things. Dad and I chuckled about the movie for the next couple of days.
Then, toward the end of the week, I got a little irritated with myself. I hate drugs. I absolutely detest marijuana. I’m sorry, but I think marijuana users are knuckleheads. See, even here I have to stop myself. Knuckleheads. I’m poo-pooing the issue by using an inane euphemism like knuckleheads. What I should be saying is this: Marijuana users are breaking the law. They’re drug users and drug users belong in either rehab or in jail. And this is really my point about the pot culture in America and around the world: Many of us fall victim to the same mentality when it comes to marijuana.
Let’s start with a well-known fact that’s really a myth: pot is not a real drug. You’re an uptight idiot if you oppose its use. In fact, why don’t you just relax and get a hobby, sport? Smile. God loves you, dude. Hey, it’s all good. And finally, look around you. Everyone’s tried pot.
In the battle of Madison Avenue slogans, pot users are getting the best of those of us who vehemently oppose its illegal use. They’re winning the war of words. Worst of all, they’re winning by being completely illogical about it. I’m amazed at how similar people’s stories and excuses are when it comes to pot use. They all say the same things and use the exact same verbiage when they’re under suspicion for drug use. It’s uncanny—almost like they’re operating from a universal playbook—like some goofy life coach has huddled them all together for a pep-talk.
This One I Call Page 1 from the Pot User’s Playbook
FIRST and foremost: deny, deny, deny. This does occasionally work, especially if you’re dealing with a naïve interrogator, such as an employer, doctor, teacher or school administrator. Simply tell them you don’t know what the heck they’re talking about.
IF you feel that you’re dealing with a skilled interrogator and have nowhere to hide, give ground only in small increments. Start with, “I once tried pot…I think.”
IF you are pressed for how much you smoke, tell them that you only take a drag or two, nothing more. Now this is crucial: always underestimate your pot use by at least 90%. They’re probably too dumb to realize that a “drag or two” is code for “I smoke out almost every weekend. Let that be our little secret.
WHEN being harassed for how frequently you smoke Mary Jane, simply say: “Oh, just special occasions.” If they ask for a definition of a “special occasion”, be as vague as possible. Never surrender specifics. Mention something nebulous about a friend’s birthday party, at which the whole world seemed to be smoking—including the guy’s own mother. Maybe mention an obscure holiday.
IF the unjust, fascist interrogation continues, tell them that everyone (parents, politicians, doctors, mail carriers, bloggers) smokes weed, and that they need to open up their eyes and get with the program. Of course not everyone smokes weed, but just about everyone WE know does. But they don’t have to know that.
DURING the outrageous interrogation, be sure to slouch and yawn frequently. Casually shrug as much as possible. Offer a subtle, wry smile. In this way, you’ll give your Nazi interrogator the distinct impression that marijuana use is not a big deal. Let them know, by your body language, that weed is not a “real” drug. Reefer heads are not bad, nor are they dangerous; after all, Cheech and Chong were certainly not evil or dangerous people! They’d never hurt anyone and neither would you. Point out that the weed whackers of the world would never storm a bank in a rage and shoot its occupants. Tell them that, if this person had smoked out that morning, they would have breezed into the bank and passed out hugs, not bullets.
YOU may be asked if you use other drugs like cocaine, ecstasy or heroin. Your reaction, even though you may be helping yourself to these new substances, should be one of absolute horror and shock. Exclaim, “Absolutely not! Do you really think I would be that stupid? People who use those drugs are idiots. People can overdose or die on sh_ _ like cocaine.” Of course, we’re implying, oh so subtly, that pot is not a real drug. If you’re a good enough actor, you can really drive home this point. You can also divert attention away from your cocaine or heroin use.
THE fascist dictator may ask you where you got your weed. Be very careful here; a truthful answer could wreck your supply line, as well as expose other people to unwanted scrutiny. This question must never be answered honestly. Start by saying, “Some guy gave me the pot.” If pressed for a specific name, give only first names. Say, “His name is Ricky. I don’t know his last name.” Remember that this Ricky does not live in your neighborhood. He does not attend your school. He does not work in the company. He’s not a friend, nor is he a relative. Like Deepthroat, Ricky is that shadowy figure lurking in the darkened parking garage. He’s a mystery man and nobody knows his true identity. Of course, we know that Ricky is someone you know very well, but they don’t have to know that.
IF asked when you’re going to stop using pot, tell them you’re not a user. Remind this fool that you only smoke on special occasions and don’t need the stuff. Feed them that line of bull from the 1980s that marijuana isn’t physically addictive. Pray they don’t cite the recent report showing more teens in drug rehab, for pot smoking, than for all other drugs combined. That would not be cool. Tell them, “Sure I tried it, but who doesn’t?” If it’s a school administrator asking the questions, imply very strongly that 80% of his teaching staff has tried marijuana at one time or another. If you’re real bold, suggest that he/she has tried pot. Let them chew on that one for a minute.
WHENEVER you get the chance, always extol the virtues of hemp. Tell them how wonderful hemp works with clothing products. Remind them that weed can help treat many ailments: AIDS, nausea from chemotherapy and glaucoma deficiency. Cite the recent study that claims marijuana use may help prevent Alzheimer’s. Offer to bring this nit-wit a copy of High Times so he can read it for himself.
Reaction to the Playbook
When I give the playbook to my students I watch them carefully. Two years ago, I got rave reviews from my 5th hour class. You would have thought this was material worthy of Jay Leno. Several of them giggled and stole knowing glances at one another. “This is great!” they said, slapping their knees. “This is so true!” I know that, I tell them. I’m not logging my twenty-sixth year in high school for nothing. I also know that the kids who giggle could, very well, be the one’s using pot. I certainly hope not, but they might be.
Last year, the playbook bombed with my 4th hour. Their faces said it all: This is interesting but nothing that relates directly to us. They clipped the handout into their notebooks and calmly waited for the next topic. There were probably no pot users in that class. I was a little bummed out by the lack of feedback, but I was happy to be teaching a class full of lucid individuals.
The Cancer of Justifications
Let’s consider what Cognitive Dissonance might say about the issue of marijuana use. Thought #1: I smoke marijuana. Thought #2: I know marijuana is bad for me. So, in order to maintain these two cognitions at their current levels, the user would have to pile on justifications. And just what are those justifications when it comes to pot use? Well, you’re already read the Pot Users Playbook. It’s full of them. All too often, I’m afraid to say, the issue usually plays out in the following manner: Thought #1: I smoke pot. Thought #2: Pot is not a real drug. There’s little danger to it.
And so
