of it.
Is he sad? Now that he’s dying what does he think about? Does he want me to love him now? Does he still feel the same as he did when he was the devil? Does he care that he’s leaving me? Does he know what happens when he’s gone?
It’s cold on the floor. Like being dead. The floor is dead. I am dead. Only a child of the devil can survive.
19th October
I guess I’m not over my father after all.
25th October
Today it was my turn to ask the questions. I asked Joan how people could tell when they’d dealt with stuff. I wanted to know why the memories of my father could still affect me and how I could tell if I was getting any better.
I found out that Joan is the consummate professional when she turned it around and asked me how I think they would know.
Before I’d started seeing Joan I felt like I must have dealt with my stuff. I’ve been living with all this in my life forever. It’s not new stuff for me. But, if the patterns of behaviour I learned as a child are still controlling my life then maybe I haven’t dealt with it.
Apparently, now my stupid patterns of behaviour aren’t working so well at keeping things manageable for me. Now, everything is unmanageable and completely out of my control.
I haven’t gotten over my “stuff” at all. All I did was find a way to cope with what was going on in my childhood. Nothing ever got dealt with. I just moved on.
Joan wanted to know if I always considered things in black or white. She’s worried that I see my “condition” as either being on or off. I’ve either dealt with it or I haven’t. I think she wants to bring a few shades of grey to my black/white, good/bad, true/false world.
I cried as I told Joan I want to be over it. I can’t do this anymore. I want it to be over. I can’t do this anymore. No one gets it. No one gets me.
Everyone thinks I can just snap out of this like I have a choice.
Конец ознакомительного фрагмента.
Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес».
Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию на ЛитРес.
Безопасно оплатить книгу можно банковской картой Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, со счета мобильного телефона, с платежного терминала, в салоне МТС или Связной, через PayPal, WebMoney, Яндекс.Деньги, QIWI Кошелек, бонусными картами или другим удобным Вам способом.
