an experiment; that ok with you?”
Now when did I ever say ‘no’ to Michael? I smiled a smile I’m sure he recognized because he continued the journey and took me straight into my bedroom and set me in the middle of my giant bed. Breathing deeply I watched and allowed for his lead.
Drawn into the clutch of his eyes, we were inches apart, his breath sweet and warm, he said, “Missed you.” Just like old times our lips joined like magnets and I surrendered completely to the need that had been waiting so impatiently to be met. His lips clung to mine with possessive fervor and need. For only a second we were allowed to taste each other. While gently suckling his tongue the wave rolled into us as a severe gush of heat that radiated from our very core. The fight or flight response kicked-in and I was ready to take on any foe and hold onto Michael for all I was worth. That’s exactly what we did; we held on like it was a muscle memory. The continual gushes of heat pulsated through us, back and forth and then morphed into a nearly unbearable softness and the heat adjusted to soothing warmth. We each quivered quietly and laid still knowing that the wave was not far from returning and any movement would encourage its re-ignition.
Michael, ever the bold one, was not through with his experiment. Inches apart and staring into each others eyes we felt the eye-contact-reconnect ever so slightly. He said, “The heat is new.”
Waiting for his next move, I just took in the moments and stored them in my recall knowing that I would need them later on down the line when I was left alone again. My happiness must have showed because Michael smiled at me revealing his own. We were together and for me, that’s all that mattered in those moments.
Moving my hair away from my eyes and sandwiching his hands around my face, Michael brought our lips together again. He was in control for only a few seconds and for those few seconds his lips were soft on mine. Never wanting to be a sideliner, I wrapped my arms around his neck and put my own hands into action to contribute to the ‘experiment’.
Again the wave came at us in the form of radiating heat pulses that vibrated to our finger tips and toes. Michael rested his entire body on top of mine and we held on again, crushing our bodies together to reinforce our alliance and unity. During that episode we each cried out a couple of times either expressing surprise or fear. Always accepting the comfort of each other as part of the joined experience; I wanted more and Michael’s moves expressed the same.
Michael put our bodies through some pretty tough paces as he kissed me time and time again. At each sacred kiss we were blessed with more machinations of the wave. Delighted and frightened at the same time, I wondered if Michael was thinking about a double suicide. At each onslaught our hearts beat faster but it didn’t matter to me if I died of a heart attack. Dying in Michael’s arms would be the best way to go. I encouraged his ‘experiment’ because I was nearly dead without him anyway.
Sometime during Michael’s ‘experiment’ I began to be concerned for Michael and for his continued living. I was afraid that I might actually hear his heart stop beating. That concern aided me in putting a kibosh on Michael’s death march. With nearly unbelievable effort I wrapped my legs and arms around him and tucked my face in the corner of his neck, held on tight and then didn’t move. That decompression move was not unknown to Michael and he followed suit by gaining the greatest amount of purchase possible and didn’t move.
Our bodies were saturated with sweat and it took a few minutes to get our breathing under control and our hearts to return to some semblance of normal. Plastered against each other without movement gave us the peace and balance. Eventually we took our joined sighs and were able to separate without reigniting the wave.
Michael was the first to speak.
“That was something that I probably should’ve warned you about. We allowed the wave to hit us ten times during that ‘experiment’.”
He stopped talking and looked at me.
“Any comments?”
“Baby, I have about a gazillion questions but this was your experiment, what do you want from me. You know that you can have anything you want, I’ll give you anything I can?” I nearly sobbed.
“The last day that we were together I lied to you.” Michael confessed.
“I told you and Lu that the sexual draw was gone. It wasn’t gone altogether and I knew that it wasn’t gone for you. I could feel your need for me. I could feel you trying to suppress it for Lu. I hated myself for leaving you like that but I got what I wanted – that connection to Lu”
Michael lifted himself onto his elbow and looked into my eyes to register my reaction to his confession.
“You already knew, didn’t you?”
The realization hit him in that moment that I could always read his tells.
“Yeah baby, you can’t really lie to me. I can see the truth when I need to. The truth is that all I really needed was for you to be happy. I can always deal with any pain if I know you’re doin’ ok.”
Michael’s frown revealed a touch of anger. I placed my fingers on the wrinkle above his nose to smooth out his face and take the anger away.
“You were always in the back of my mind and I could see your face as you bravely sent us on our way without getting your needs met. I knew you’d be facing pain and I am ashamed to say that I allowed you to suffer so that I could get what I wanted.”
He watched my expression but wasn’t finished with his need to purge himself of his unconscionable behavior.
“Baby, I am so sorry that we left you and we need to make amends. Lu would be here with me to tell you that she’s also sorry but she had to work.”
Patient for him to say what he needed to say, I listened and felt his love for me in his need to make things ‘right’.
“Michael.”
I said his name for the first time and it felt like a gift.
“I love you. No amount of pain would stop me from giving you what you want. I think I would even die in the effort, if that’s what it took. Baby, that’s just the way it is for me.”
My words were wrapped in quiet tears – tears of resignation and acceptance of the way ‘the connect’, the connection between Michael and me, had worked out for me.
The frown was back and my fingers automatically reached to smooth out the wrinkle the frown had placed above his nose again.
“You are the bravest and most lovely person I’ve ever known. How can you love me so freely and unconditionally?” Michael wanted to know.
The answer to his question was so obvious that I wondered if we had even shared that experience.
“Michael, baby.”
I got his attention and continued.
“It’s my burden of the connect. Hell, I accept all of the gifts from the connect why shouldn’t I also be subject to the pain it takes for you to get what you need or want.”
“What do you mean, by that?” Michael needed clarity.
“Michael…”
Saying his name felt so good that I decided that I’d use it as often
