head to toe. It made my pulse jump and my palms sweat. I sucked in a deep breath and I knew I wasn’t hiding my desire well from him. He brushed some hair from my face and smiled a winning smile.
“I understand Selene, but just know I will never stop waiting. One moment with you is all I will ever desire.” What the crack? If only he could have said he wanted a lifetime, not a moment. I knew what a moment meant in boy world. That very statement was going to be my strength to deny him. I rolled my eyes at him and began to walk.
Linden stayed with me and we walked with less tension. He was easy to talk to. He asked how my day had gone and I told him everything. It was sweet of him to flip to big brother, although he really was barely older than me. He laughed when I told him about Red girl. It was nice to not feel so alone. I knew and trusted Linden and he made me happy. We continued talking until we got through the cafeteria line. He looked uneasy all of the sudden and I knew he had a group of friends to go to. I nodded in acknowledgement.
“I’ll see you around.” He looked up to the left and then up to the right with his eyes and scratched the back of his head. “You sure?”
I knew he wanted to be with his friends, and I knew I would forever reject him, so it would be wrong of me to make him stay. “I am sure, go on.” He left but looked back at me a few times. That was another reason Linden and I would never hookup. I wanted him to stay and protect me but he didn’t. I knew I gave him the go ahead, but he could have stayed. Or, better yet, he could have never displayed wanting to be elsewhere.
I watched him walk away and knew shamefully I was falling for him. I shook my head and realized I was standing in the middle of the cafeteria like a foolish first year lost in chaos. I held onto my trey and my pride and examined my options. I took a long breath and mustered up my courage and started walking. I was not really sure where to go but I was going. The bathroom stall sounded better with every step I took. Then I heard my name. I looked around trying to locate the voice. I thought maybe I was hearing things since I didn’t really know anybody. I took another step towards café latrine and I heard my name again. I looked again and saw that it was Red. I really had nowhere else to go, but I still questioned for a moment whether the bathroom was going to be my best option.
I rolled my eyes, mostly at myself, and I walked over to her table and she motioned for me to sit. The table was filled with the craziest looking girls of the school. All of them had their own unique style that would suggest that you not get on their bad side. Shikes! What was Red doing to me? “Hey.” I said it lifelessly and sat down and picked at my food.
I went the whole lunch not looking at them and not talking to them. I was just happy that I was not alone and sitting in the bathroom stall. It kind of bummed me out that only the freaks wanted to accept me. I must have been more of a freak than I had suspected. I listened to them talk and really they were normal girls talking about normal things. I realized I was most likely darker than all of them combined.When I finished eating what was edible I looked up and caught the dark haired girls glare. “Yeah,” I said it all tough-like, it just flew out before I thought about it. I guess I didn’t like how she looked at me. I knew instantly that that was a dumb move.
“I should kick your face in,” she said as she stood up and looked down at me. There was nothing more irritating than bully types to me. I stood up and gave her my best evil eye. “Not if I kick yours in first!” I said it without fear. By the looks of her she could clobber me in no time flat. She had dark hair and dark eyes and was built like a linebacker. I was not the type to take crap from people though. Plus, I really didn’t care if she did hurt me.
Everyone around our table was staring at us, anticipating a chick fight I assumed. I thought for sure I was about to get into my first fight. Then she smirked at me. “You’re alright kid,” she sat back down and started talking to one of the other girls. I had no idea what that was about. I didn’t think I seemed to be tough looking but she just dropped it. That group of girls was so strange to me. I felt so awkward sitting there with them all.
I got up to throw my trash out and put my tray where it belonged. Red followed me. “You are in,” she said it like she was telling me I got back stage passes to the best concert in the world.
“Uh, okay, thanks” I forced a smile at her and kept walking.
“Well you should be thrilled. I am in by default. My sister is the older, prettier red head. Not just anyone gets to be in.” I really didn’t know what I was “in” but I thought I already wanted out.
“Awesome, catch ya later.” I dumped my tray and walked away from Red.
I found the bathroom. It had my name all over it. I just had a few more steps and then I could lock myself away for at least a little bit. I really wished I could have just gone home. I looked over as I was about to open the door and was stopped in my tracks. I saw Levi’s group of friends and they saw me. They did a somber nod and looked away from me as guilt filled their eyes.
I ran into the bathroom and bust into the first stall I saw. I locked myself in it and cried. It was bad enough seeing them, but for them to look away from me hurt even more. It cut through me like a rusty ragged knife. They should have been able to understand my pain. They could have taken me in and we could have gone through losing Levi together, but they were leaving me here alone, just like they had done to Levi.
I was foolish for thinking they would learn from Levi. I had hoped they would change. What more would it take for them? Was Levi’s death a waste? My mom and I both felt it would have helped if Levi’s death impacted others to turn from drugs. But, by the looks of them, it seemed to drive them further into them. I may be all dark and gloomy. I may have even begged God to take my life and at times I still wish my time here was through. But I am also wise enough to know my life is not mine to take. Are drugs really worth it? I wondered what they made you feel like and why Levi chose to throw his life away for them. To me, they just seemed to make people look and act stupid. Over time, so many people end up like Levi. I don’t think he intended to be an addict, but he was and before he knew it, he was into heavier deadlier things. I remember the day I walked in on him holding a bag of cocaine. At the time, I didn’t know what it was, but he still beat me up and told me not to tell mom. I started to feel sad for Levi’s friends. They needed help just like Levi did. Lord, please forgive them and help guide them to different choices.
I stopped crying and calmed myself down. I really could not keep crying like this. I needed to pull myself into the dark numb place in my mind and stay there. I took in a few deep breaths, I walked out of the stall, and patted my face with cold water. I reached in my purse and touched up my face with some emergency makeup and sucked in one more deep and slow breath. I headed back out to the chaos. I walked out tall and strong and looked only where I was going. I could not look at them again, and thankfully, the bell rang. I could just keep on walking to my next class. Red found me and followed behind me. She was so bizarre to me, although I did find it comforting to have a little side kick.
Red and I mostly stayed together, wordless, until a couple elective classes made us split. That was another one of my worst days; they seemed to be almost every day anymore. Today was supposed to be the day when Levi and I finally could be in one building. I could have ducked under his wing and found shelter. But I was left there alone and exposed, broken and ashamed of my existence. The raw hatred I had towards Levi in that moment made my body ache and my head hurt. I hated Levi for leaving me. He abandoned me just like our dad. I felt like such a worthless nothing. I belonged trapped in that glass room in my mind for all existence. I should have been the one to die. So what I was a called Prophet. What the crap did that even mean? I got to look at evil every night. That was no gift in my eyes.
I was beginning to have trouble finding the line between God and Abaddon. It made no sense when I really thought about it. If God loved me so much he could wipe out Abaddon
