time, anxious with people, even ones I knew, not wanting to be disciplined in my personal life or at work, or held accountable for my actions, continuous ruminating about past grievances, just not able to let go, wanting to dominate or control any situation or relationship, and just this overwhelming need to race through everything I did. It’s like I was always in a race, but have no idea when it started or why the heck everything I did had to be done quickly. I ate quickly, I talked quickly, I walked quickly, I did my work quickly, I drove quickly, etc. I was definitely not born with a SLOW button, for sure!
One of the biggest freedoms for me now is not reacting in the moment to anyone. Because I feel centered if something happens or a person does something that I don’t appreciate, I immediately step back and review the situation. There was no reviewing process in the past. Now I have a giant Pause Button that allows me to not lash out or make snap decisions. I also now do not respond back to ANYONE in anger or rage. I had no idea that in the past when I did that, I was giving away my power. I like having my power now and have no intention of ever giving it away again to anyone or any situation. I am so grateful to longer be a snapshot person :)
Mentally/emotionally and physically, I went to my first 12 step meeting at age 19, started psychotherapy at 20, saw my first psychiatrist/started antidepressants at age 23. I remember when I started antidepressants back in 1986. Depression back then had such a stigma. You didn’t talk about it. It was hush hush. I felt such deep shame about taking medication and always thought if I just worked hard enough in therapy I would eventually not need medication. I had no concept at that time or for many years later that depression was a disorder of the brain and might be something I will always need medication for.
I may have been diagnosed with Severe ADHD-Hyperactive/Impulsive Type and Major Depression but with the aid of medication, vitamins, minerals, fish oil, amino acids, diet, exercise, and most recently adding Neurotherapy, I feel great!
All the chronic symptoms I have lived with have dissipated and/or been relieved to the point I barely notice. Freedom from symptoms is so much more than what I ever could have imagined because I just don’t have to focus on it anymore. I now have more time visualizing my future and where I want to go, the things I want to do, and accomplish and nurture my relationships with the people around me that matter in my life.
I truly believe when you are so busy surviving, you can’t truly focus forward past your own feet. I wasted so much energy. I have always had the analogy that I have been treading water since I was 13 and decided I would commit suicide when it got the point where I could no longer bear living. I realize now 36 years later I accidentally held myself hostage. Making that decision to stop living was so deeply rooted in me. I did just enough to get by. But at the same time, I had very little energy, was extremely sad, frustrated and felt trapped in my life. Those feelings never truly changed even after 30 years of working on myself. Without normalized dopamine/serotonin levels, I never stood a chance to regain my footing without getting chemically treated with Ritalin and then fully healing with all the supplements I added to my daily routine and with the addition of Neurotherapy.
As far as relationships, I had my first boyfriend at 19. He was such a great first boyfriend. He was funny and doting. He always bought me flowers and wrote me cards. I think that was healing for me as for the first time in my life I had a male figure wanting to spend time with me and wanting to give to me. We stayed together for 2½ years. My next relationship lasted for a year. He also was a sweetheart. A good person who wanted to settle down and have children. I knew that was something I wasn’t capable of. Never mind the fact that I took care of a child from 11-18 there was no way I wanted the responsibility again of a child. I remember when we broke up, he cried. I was so deeply touched by that. In fact, I felt so bad that I didn’t get into another relationship for 12 years. Not just because of the pain I caused but because being in a relationship meant being sexual and I binged even more intensely when I had to be sexual. I spent a TON of time in therapy trying to heal that. What hard work!! Sexual abuse sucks!!
From 23 to 35, I had a few one night stands, a few six date relationships, a few couple months relationships, but that was about it. Definitely a lot of impulsiveness just jumping into relationships with men. Now that I look at them, they weren’t relationships, but in my mind they were. I really had to work hard to get past my deep rooted rage towards my father. The poor guys I took that out on. I remember one guy, OMG, he was so kind!! The nicer he was to me the angrier I got. In fact, I broke up with him because he was too sweet. That is so unbelievable to me now. But I had too many levels of rage/pain to work through before I would be able to appreciate a “nice guy.”
The other piece of the puzzle for me has been chronic fear/anxiety. I know for sure it started when I was 11 when my childhood ended and I truly believed I was never safe in that house anymore. If it was there before that, I just don’t remember. I was little and I was so busy with my friends before that there probably wasn’t any time to even think about it.
All through my life, I have left friendships. I always believed I did that because my mother died when I was 2 and I was incapable of making lasting bonds with people. I also believed it was because of the lack of bonding growing up.
But today, I just don’t believe that. I think it was both those experiences AND the low levels of dopamine/serotonin that made it so hard to truly love and want to attach to people in a healthy way. I also think my energy overall was desperate. The desperateness was so deep that I had no way of knowing what it truly was. As I sit here now post diagnosis and 8 months into my new life, I think I feel a level of contentment which matches my level of desperateness before. I feel an overall fullness in my body. Before there was such a bottomless pit of emptiness. No matter what I did I could not fill it. What a horrible maddening way to live.
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