proves that third-party involvements tend to bring marriages to an end. Some partners will wait, forgive, endure and try to forget (though I doubt they will ever completely forget … for how can you turn your memory on and off at will?). You have to remember what you are trying to forget in order to forget it.
There are a few exceptions to that rule, but the odds are greatly against you if you are hoping to make a HAPPY DUET out of an UNHAPPY TRIANGLE. It just is not that easy. It just doesn’t work that often.
4. WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED FROM YOUR PAST EXPERIENCES THAT WILL SHED LIGHT ON YOUR PRESENT SITUATION?
Hopefully, you will not have to marry as often as Zsa-Zsa Gabor or Elizabeth Taylor or Mickey Rooney to learn from experience. Many marriages contain elements that were out of control long before the marriage became a reality. But people still insist on gambling their lives and their well-being on the unrealistic hope that things will be different next time rather than facing reality.
You would do well to learn from the past. Discover the garbage you brought out of that previous relationship and deal with that garbage before you ever allow yourself to enter into another marriage relationship. Otherwise you will be destined to live that tragedy all over again.
You see, it isn’t really second or third marriages that are bad! It is carrying the same old garbage into those marriages that dooms them. So deal with the junk in your life. Get rid of it and give yourself a real chance at success next time around. We are going to help you deal with that very thing over the next several weeks.
STAGE TWO
As the shock of divorce begins to wear off, a process of ADJUSTMENT begins to take place. Shock means facing the facts of divorce. Adjustment means doing something about those facts. And this is an excellent place to GIVE A DEAD RELATIONSHIP A GOOD PROPER BURIAL. Mourn it if you will. Hurt if you choose to. Cry if it feels good. But don’t be satisfied to swim in a sea of self-pity for the rest of your life.
Feeling sorry for yourself is not totally escapable, but I would like to suggest that it should be limited to a five second experience about once every other week! Is what you are looking for only a warehouse full of “I’m so sorry’s” from your friends? Self-pity can be so self-defeating, so depressing, and that is why it is not good for you. you are the one that counts now. If you refuse to look out for yourself, who do you think is going to do it for you? Unnnggghhhuhhh! I think you got that one right!
STAGE THREE
This is the stage I covet for every one of you … THE GROWTH STAGE. Jim Smoke in his book Growing Through Divorce says there are eight steps to growing through divorce.
1. REALIZE THAT TIME IS A HEALER and you must WALK THROUGH THAT PROCESS ONE DAY AT A TIME.
2. COME TO GRIPS WITH YOURSELF. YOU CANNOT DENY YOUR EXISTENCE NO MATTER HOW FRUSTRATED, LONELY, GUILTY, ANGRY, OR DESPARATE YOU MAY FEEL ON THE INSIDE.
3. SET ASIDE TIME FOR REFLECTION, MEDITATION, READING, THINKING AND PERSONAL GROWTH. Many situations you may never be able to change, but you can change yourself anytime you really want to.
4. GET TOGETHER WITH HEALTHY PEOPLE WHO ARE STRUGGLING BUT GROWING. There is only minimal comfort in hearing other peoples’ divorce stories while you are going through divorce. At first it may help, but soon it becomes boring. Healthy people are those who let the past die and who live and grow in the present.
5. SEEK PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING OR THERAPY IF YOU NEED IT. Asking for help is a sign of strength … not a sign of weakness.
6. ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOUR ARE DIVORCED (OR IN THE PROCESS OF BEING DIVORCED) AND YOU ARE NOW SINGLE. It ought not to hurt too badly to say it. So repeat after me: ”I AM SINGLE … AND I’M OK!”
7. PUT THE PAST IN THE PAST WHERE IT BELONGS AND BEGIN TO LIVE IN THE PRESENT.
8. COMMIT YOUR NEW WAY TO GOD. BEGIN NEW THINGS, AND SEEK THE HELP AND RELATIONSHIPS YOU NEED TO BEGIN ANEW.
I’m going to back off now and let my co-partner lead you in the Discussion Exercise.
The first session Discussion was centered around some of the feelings that were most prevalent in their lives. LaDonna encouraged them by saying, “We can learn a lot from you, and others will learn a lot too if you will take the courage to share. Tell us what you are feeling and what you are struggling with.”
Several were able to be open and share while other were reluctant and hesitant to share their feelings. One fellow could do nothing but cry the whole first session. Another confessed he was devastated that he found his closest friend in bed with his wife when he came home early one afternoon.
Another explained that the feeling he was experiencing was abject loneliness. One of the dear ladies who seemed at the time to have all the words but none of the “music” responded immediately, “I have discovered that since I have Jesus in my heart, I never have to feel lonely” … to which he responded immediately “Bovine Droppings!” (Well, that is not exactly how he put it. ”BULL S*#T” is what he actually said, and the class burst out in laughter and acceptance of what he was feeling and saying.)
The purpose and goal of that first session was to help them realize that there are many feelings that are prevalent in their situation and it is all right to have those feelings. How we manage those feelings is the more important thing, and that is the theme for the second session.
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