would be alright and to go back to sleep. The next morning, gram returned with our aunts. Everyone was crying. I heard my uncle say, "If l get a hold of him, I will kill him." I was pretty sure he was talking about our father. I did not know what happened, but I knew it was bad. Everyone, including my sisters and brothers, was crying when I came down the steps. I asked my sister Helen what was wrong, and she just said everything would be alright.
2 Without Mom
Joe and I continued to ask what was wrong, and if mom was still in the hospital. I wondered why everyone was in our home. It worried me, because not long ago a truck had hit our brother Joe, and everyone came to our house. I knew instinctively that something was not right. Our father was nowhere to be found. My sister, Helen, was so upset, it was making me cry. I did not know why, but Helen's and Mark's faces were like nothing I had ever witnessed before. Lyda, Charlie, Betty, and Margie had a look that I will never forget. Joe and I were beginning to understand that something horrible had happened, but never realized how awful it was.
Helen took Joe and me out into the court. She explained that Mom was taken to the hospital last night because she was very sick. The doctors could not fix her, so she went to Heaven to be with God. Joey asked when she would come home, and Helen said she couldn't. I asked why she could not; our young minds could not understand that our Mom was dead. It was sad that sixteen year-old Helen had to be the one to break the news to us. Our mother was gone.
Helen let us absorb what she had told us, and said that we would be okay. Gram stayed the night and then returned to her home the next day. Our father came home and went back out. Our mom was out a lot, so I was used to her being away for the day or night because she worked. But as days went by, and she did not come home, I asked again and again when she would be back. My brothers and sisters were completely grief-stricken. Their faces told the story to Joe and me even though we could not comprehend completely the words they had said.
Our father stayed away night after night. I guess that was good since we did not have to worry about him coming home to harass us. Helen would go to gram's when we were so hungry we could not take it anymore. She would return with some food.
Thinking back to that time, I now realize that our mom was the anchor of our family. When she walked into a room, life came with her. The house came alive with her stories, and she introduced laughter into our lives. She was our protector, our ray of sunshine. We were all completely lost, adrift at sea without her; it was hard for any of us to accept that she was not coming back. Our hearts and our spirits were broken.
Never again would we hear her laughter or the sound of her beautiful voice. Things were tough when she was there, but now they were bound to be unbearable. We always knew we could count on mom. She was someone who would listen to us when we were sick or hungry, and always found a way to get what we needed. We belonged to her. Now would we belong or matter to anyone other than each other again?
I have been so scared at different times of my early life and beyond, but when the realization that mom was not coming home, I started a life long dream to belong; somewhere, anywhere. I would never again be hugged as a child, or belong to someone again, at least not until I became an adult. I was always scared of people leaving me. Always feeling like I was a burden, another mouth to feed. It seemed as if my purpose in life was gone.
I missed out as a small child, No longer having someone to hold me and realize the warmth of being loved. I could close my eyes and actually feel how that used to feel. As years went on, I often wondered where I did belong. When gram came, there was food, but no comfort and no love. I don't remember anyone ever hugging us. Our father seemed to know when gram was there. He would drop in for short periods. Not to comfort us, but to change his clothes. Months went by, and we came to realize that our father had a girlfriend who had children of her own. One day, he came home and told Helen to take her brothers and sisters to Father Burke, the parish priest at Saint Michael's Church.
Father Burke had helped us in the past. My father said to tell him that he could no longer take care of us children. He wanted the priest to place us in a home. He took our mother's watch, her one piece of jewelry, and gave it to his girlfriend. We never saw him again. He never said he was sorry, or showed any sadness, or asked if we were hungry. He never even said goodbye.
It seemed our father wanted a new life with his new family. We were glad to be rid of him. Helen and the others would not have to deal with his drunken rages and his messed pants anymore. Helen did not listen to his orders though. Instead, she went to our gram and let her know what he had said. Gram took us to her house to live with her and her son, Ogie. He was gram's only son.
Gram had six daughters. Ogie was a step above our father, but not much more than that. Gram and Uncle Ogie seemed more like husband and wife than mother and son. He never married, and had some very strange ways. Ogie could do no wrong in gram's eyes. He drank often. He was very demanding of us. Looking back, I think he was jealous of us because he thought we took attention away from him. I was terrified of him. Luckily, he stayed in his room most of the time, especially after he had been drinking.
All uncle Ogie would have to do was look at me, and it just felt like I was melting away. I wished I were. To me, he was the boogieman. He knew we were scared, so he took advantage of that fear. He seemed to really enjoy the power he had over us. He tolerated Betty the most. She had such a great way about her. But I don't think I have ever met anyone who did not like her.
Unfortunately, because of this, she had to wait on him hand and foot. She was the only one allowed in his room. Poor Betty became his servant. I asked her, when we got older, if he had ever abused her. She did not want talk about it. He would come home drunk and tell us to get in line to get a nickel. Of course he would have to torture us before we got it. One by one, we would wait in line for our nickel. Me first, then Joey, Margie, then Betty. Lyda was last because Charlie was usually out shining shoes.
When he would get to her, the fight would begin. He would tell Lyda that she looked just like our father. She would try not to respond, but sometimes he would continue to needle her. She would give him a look, then tell him to keep his nickel. One time, she threw his nickel on the floor. We all followed by throwing our nickels on the floor, too. Loyalty was important to us even then, as young as we were.
It seemed as if Lyda was a target for all the adults. She often would stand up to them when she thought they were wrong. Throughout her life she would often fight for the underdog. She was not a tough person. She was a little girl who would not allow people to humiliate her, or anyone else she cared about. Even then, as a child she had integrity. I think it intimidated the men in our lives that wanted us to fear them. She was not afraid of Uncle Ogie; at least she did not let on if she was. Margie and I were completely different. We were both equally scared to death of him.
We all loved and admired Lyda. At 12 years old, she was our leader. I believe she taught us lessons along the way. The most important one? Never allow someone to degrade you. Helen, although the oldest, was very kind, yet shy and subservient. Mark did what was asked of him. He never wanted to cause a problem or make waves. Charlie was a rebel but took to his shoeshining everyday. Charlie made some good money working. He was a hustler. Charlie was the best moneymaker of all of us, and our gram knew it.
She took all the money any of us made. Charlie would come in, and right away she would ask him how much he made. If it were four dollars he would say one dollar. Gram quickly came to realize she was being scammed. She resorted to searching him and if he was caught she would keep him in; which was the worst thing she could do to Charlie.
Charlie was rarely home. He was a restless spirit. Gram would punish him and he would sneak out. She even put a dress on him, thinking he would be too embarrassed to go out in public, but he still went.
