making it even harder for me to focus.
I had reached a point at the age of seventeen where my anxiety and panic disorder started to take a hold of my life. It was so scary as I did not know what was going on and why I was feeling so strange every single day. Short of breath, heart-pounding, sweaty palms and everything that goes with anxiety. I was running out of the school in fear, wondering what was going on, what was wrong with me. I could not tell a soul out of fear that I would be judged. It was so debilitating and no wonder I couldn’t focus on my schooling!
After leaving school, I initially worked in construction for a friend’s building company. This was not for me. Dirty hands, dusty environment all seemed like too much hard work for me. I went on to study a Hospitality Management degree after the advice of a career advisor. I didn’t even last one year as my anxiety was still spiraling further out of control. My anxiety was so bad I started to have panic attacks driving to college. I remember taking my oldest childhood friend driving with me over the Harbour Bridge on weekends, just to try and help me conquer my fears. Back and forward weekend after weekend until I started to gain some basic confidence in driving that far again. She didn’t really understand what was going on at the time, but she was always willing to support me. I started to become agoraphobic. I would feel the room spinning at college, fearful of the next episode. I remember sitting in the park at lunchtime, trying to distract myself with meaningless conversations with the other students, to keep my mind off the fear and anxiety I was experiencing.
I didn't understand for many years what anxiety really was. After starting to learn more about it through therapy, it became evident that it often comes from an internal struggle with self, post-traumatic stress from past experiences and being very future focused. Anxiety thrives off an experience our brains relate to from a past event or trauma, which we then fear in some form in the present, even when there is nothing to fear. This wasn’t something I understood and I donʼt believe many would if they had never experienced it before. I felt like I was completely losing my mind. How on earth could I be successful, how could I go on to achieve great things, be that husband or father if the start in life is already off to a terrible one. I began to slowly learn what this internal struggle was for me. All of the trauma that I had pushed down and not processed, the fear of failure and the deep shame that I was not going to be successful just like my dad had become a reality in my head. Anxiety can be unbearable and exhausting. It can feel like there is no way out and that you are going crazy. It feels like nobody can hear you and trying to explain how you are feeling, particularly for me twenty-six years ago, was so difficult. I suffered in silence for so long and I may as well be put on another planet on my own as that is how it has felt for many years of my life.
I buried myself in work, business and meaningless tasks to avoid how I was feeling. It’s been a lifetime of suffering and not many people, not even my parents understood me or knew how they could help me. It’s been a journey filled with confusion, unanswered questions, fear, an internal struggle and a deep need to prove myself to the world. I did not want to be a failure and I had to prove that I too could go on to be successful just like my dad. I hide my anxiety in fear of judgment, ridicule, and criticism. I was ashamed and it’s been really hard for me all those years.
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