I brutally declined her proposal.
However, that wasn't the first time she attempted to get me to participate; she tried to convince me to do so on multiple occasions. One could see greed shining in her bloody eyes every time she asked, and she was sharpening her teeth for a big payout in cash.
The most mortifying and disgraceful thing about her actions was the fact that she clearly didn't care if I became a whore just like her. She didn't care if I lost my sense of righteousness completely and quit my job in favor of working the streets. She didn't care if I contracted some lifelong sexually transmitted disease that would cause me to slowly wither away and die.
She simply didn’t care.
The only thing that mattered to her was getting more money for more heroin.
•••
I began to get highly anxious in my own house. People knew where we lived and many men she bought home looked like they were capable of breaking into our residence and easily overpower a small woman like me.
Once, I caught a glimpse of a man who was snooping around my bedroom window. Whether he knew that was my room or not, his intent to gain something sexual from this whore house must have been the reason he was investigating.
This happened multiple times, to the point where I began to sleep with a hammer under my pillow. I knew that these men were stronger than me and if I were to wake with one forcefully trying to enter my room, the only place in this world in which I could create some illusion of safety, I would have had no other option but to bludgeon him to death.
I didn't want to do this. However, my panic attacks were getting out of control. I was hyper-alert all the time and I felt that if I were really put in a fight-or-flight mode, I would be able to kill to protect myself.
My mother would have hated the fact I felt like this—not because it was rather bizarre that a twenty year old girl could become so paranoid about sleeping in her own bed, but because that would have been bad for business. Her street merit would become a memory and she would lose substantial profits. She would rather have me overpowered than taint her homemade empire.
I felt obliged to stay wary in my current situation. I knew that if I were to let my guard down, one day one of these disgusting, sick perverts would creep out of my nightmares and bring harm to my body in reality. I couldn’t let it happen, so I had to be careful.
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