KING
Could he be mad?
DAISY
We all get paranoid. Those at the top, how can they avoid going completely crazy. Generals slaughter their armies for a historical victory that has brought along only hunger and lice. Princes rummage through history to find a nice berth in the neighbouring country. Lawmen believe the world starts and ends with them. But you can’t call your rulers “crazy.” You call them “eccentric,” and the people love their eccentrics—the more royal they are, the better! And, generally speaking, the people love Hamlet because he is handsome.
BOOGEYMAN
The people are sentimental—they bear anything as long as there are photos in the paper, and the leader’s smile is sweet enough....
DAISY
Look out!
ACT I
SCENE 3
The same, POLONIUS coming from upstairs.
POLONIUS
Champagne for the actors!
KING
Oh—oh!
DAISY
Forget it.
POLONIUS
Our agreement stands broken, sirs! Prince Hamlet reported to the King that he had meticulously checked the script of this charity performance. I myself, whom Their Highnesses trust unswervingly, checked the checking and everything seemed correct! His Majesty is furious at the impudence of your performance!
BOOGEYMAN
If you’ll allow me....
POLONIUS
But...he is satisfied. Prince Hamlet is, in his turn, as hysterical as a bitch with a gelded lover, ha-ha (waits for the others to laugh—the others laugh). Well, for the time being, as you’re foreign citizens, you’ve a chance, but in this country things change—maybe you’ve already heard that....
BOOGEYMAN
If you’ll allow us, we started from a legend, not knowing how nostalgic it was, and we endeavoured to observe the whole truth....
POLONIUS
It is not in plays that the truth is written!
BOOGEYMAN
It seemed to us that justice....
POLONIUS
It happens that, unless you’re of noble extraction, you can occasionally be right, but only from certain points of view! Anyway, you can wipe your ass with the justice from Denmark. For example, you’re invited to tonight’s wedding feasts! Is that justice? I would have had you hanged, preventively, for the next shows. Alas, our rulers don’t always listen to my astute advice. Anyway, as it’s high season, and the inns are full, tonight you’re going to stay in the new wing of the prison. It’s...heh...closer. We’re going to read the script again and compare it to the shorthand record of the performance. Here, take the key to your cell. Come on, don’t be afraid. From the moment of birth we live in a conditioned freedom!
QUEEN
Thank you, monsieur!
BOOGEYMAN
We simply did our duty, Sir....
KING
(bows, holding his crown with one hand) Much obliged, Master Polonius.
POLONIUS
Right. Do not debauch, do not enter into conversation with the Danes. Do not eat much—the chief doctor of the Court asks us to feed on maple tea. Do not mix with the other people in the prison. Not all of them are, at least for the time being, overnight guests. Sleep well, have fun as the Prince is waiting for you and then, if you are hungry...no, you’d better not be hungry! No, no, you don’t need to thank me! (The three actors exit backwards, bowing all the time) Good night, sweet king!
ACT I
SCENE 4
POLONIUS, DAISY.
POLONIUS
Have you got Her Royal Highness’ collar ready?
DAIS
Yes. She will look more beautiful than ever. The starched white collar hides her delicate double chin wonderfully.
POLONIUS
Let everything be ready! I hope that Master Stocking and Master Sock have already warmed up the divine tights for the night?
DAISY
It goes without saying, sir.
POLONIUS
Very well. Come, let me pinch your cheek, dear! (pinches her). Right. What do you know about my daughter? What are Ophelia’s whereabouts?
DAISY
Your child, shaken by so much reading, is resting in her maiden bower. I suppose she’s practising music, just before going to bed.
POLONIUS
You suppose? What have I ordered you to do?
DAISY
Yes, sir! She doesn’t leave the house anymore, hasn’t received any letters or notes!
POLONIUS
Er...the Prince...has he written anything more to her?
DAISY
Little and hastily, but I have confiscated everything!
POLONIUS
(aside) Little and hastily? Why, in the old days I used to write often! I still have a copy of each letter. But we, the generation of sacrifice, the heroes that built the chain of fortresses we now give up, one by one, to the Norwegians, were full of respect in our letters. We used to write in verse and sign, “He who loves you, doesn’t need to sign.” (to DAISY) Does he bring the letters himself?
DAISY
No, sometimes a servant does it, sometimes a guard, sometimes an actor or a double Norwegian spy. A man has just brought the latest.
POLONIUS
A man? What do you mean “a man”? Whose man is he?
DAISY
I don’t think he belongs to anyone.
POLONIUS
Then he’s unborn. Everyone belongs
